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Opposite Of Smart-Phone

| Working | January 2, 2015

(I’m a legal assistant. One of the associates, while a good lawyer, is known for being very disorganized and scatterbrained. He has just returned from a hearing and is running all over the office searching for something, while simultaneously having a conversation on his cell phone.)

Attorney: *talking on phone* “Well. I was just thinking about you so I thought I’d give you a call…” *to me* “Have you seen my phone? I don’t know where I put it.”

Me: “Um… no…”

(I’m thinking he must mean another phone than the one he’s talking on.)

Attorney: *searches in office, in file room, continues phone conversation* “Hey, [Other Assistant], have you seen my phone anywhere? I can’t find my phone!”

Me: *half-kidding* “Are you talking on it?”

Attorney: *stops, looks at me, laughs, goes into his office, and shuts the door*

Me: *to other assistant, staring at each other in disbelief* “Did that really just happen?”

What Came First, The Pun Or The Egg

| Working | November 26, 2014

(I am talking to some colleagues about a job some of us have been put on.)

Me: “I hope it doesn’t eat into the weekend.”

Coworker #1: “I can’t let it do that.”

Coworker #2: “You have plans?”

Coworker #1: “Well, it’s a friend’s birthday and we’re doing an Easter Egg hunt. I missed last weekend when she was making the eggs because of work so I can’t miss this weekend as well.”

Coworker #2: “No, you should definitely go.”

Me: “It sounds great.”

Coworker #1: “Yeah. Now all we need is a pun to go with this.”

(We fall silent for a few seconds.)

Me: “Well, if you let them cancel this weekend as well, you’ll just be egging them on to cancel all your weekend plans.”

Coworker #1: “Exactly! This kind of punning ability is why you’re going to go far!”

The Family Weather Report

| Working | November 20, 2014

(My coworker is an attorney. He’s walking in from lunch.)

Coworker: “It looks like it’s going to rain.”

Me: “Um, say it right, please!”

Coworker: *as Ollie Williams from Family Guy* “It’s gon’ rain!”

Me: “That’s better.”

Courting Disaster

, , , | Right | November 9, 2014

(It’s my first day working at my new career. I just graduated college and my boss asked me to call a client and remind them that their sentencing is tomorrow. It’s the Thursday prior to Memorial Day weekend. This is my first client call:)

Me: “Hi, this is [My Name] from [Law Office]. I’m calling to remind you that your sentencing is tomorrow at 1:00 pm. [Lawyer] asks that you meet him in front of the courthouse at 12:45 pm or so.”

Client: “Oh! Well, I don’t think I can make it.”

Me: “What?”

Client: “Yeah, um, I don’t think I can make it. I just gassed up my motorhome and I’m leaving for Memorial Day tomorrow morning.”

(I was completely floored and not sure what to do. It’s court, not a choice. Do I explain that she’s going to have a warrant if she doesn’t show? I told her I would talk to my boss and get back to her. He ended up calling her. She did show up for court.)

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Very Bad Reception, Part 11

| Working | November 3, 2014

(I am junior executive of a solicitor company. Despite being one of the top firms in the UK we are also one of the cheapest with a reputation of taking almost any case, despite being no-win/no-fee in order to help out people who usually wouldn’t be able to afford legal aid.)

Receptionist: *over intercom* “Miss [My Name], there is a very strange man here asking for you. Should I call security?”

Me: “No, it’s okay. I’ll come down.”

(I go to the front to see my boyfriend standing there, looking irritated.)

Receptionist: “This man is insisting on talking with you. I told him that he has no business here.”

Me: *to Receptionist* “This is my boyfriend. He’s here to take me to lunch.”

(My boyfriend smirks as we leave. During lunch my boyfriend tells me how rude the receptionist was to him: that she was telling him he had no business there and that he wouldn’t be able to afford legal aid. My boyfriend is in no way scruffily dressed, but we don’t talk to our clients like that, anyway. I decide to talk to receptionist when I return to hear her side of the story. When I return there is an angry looking man standing by the receptionist.)

Receptionist: “I’m sorry, sir, I can’t help you.”

Client: “This is ridiculous. I want to speak to someone in charge.”

Receptionist: “That’s not possible. I’m sorry. You have to leave.”

Me: “[Receptionist], what’s going on?”

Receptionist: “Nothing, this man was just leaving.”

Me: “Okay? Do you want to take lunch now?”

(The receptionist gets up to leave, smirking at the client. When she’s out the door I turn to the client.)

Me: “I am junior partner here. Is there something I can help with?”

Client: “Yes. I can her hoping to make a claim, but that woman said that you don’t help my kind here and that I wouldn’t be able to afford you guys, and that you don’t help tramps. That’s disgusting behavior.”

Me: “I absolutely agree. We’ll have a look at your case for you and determine a course of action. The legal advice is, of course, free for your troubles. We will be having words with our staff shortly, I assure you.”

(It turned out the man had quite an important case that won himself a huge payout and was our biggest case of the year. The receptionist denied everything, but after two more complaints, one from the senior partner’s wife saying that she was called a whore, the receptionist was gone.)