(I am one of two attorneys for a small law firm. There aren’t very many employees that work at the office and thus if even one of them is out sick we have to pick up slack to help each other out. On this particular day, three of them are out of the office, so I am helping by answering the phone.)

Caller: “Is [Other Attorney] available?”

Me: “I’m sorry, he’s left for the day. Can I take a message?”

Caller: “Tell him [Caller] called and I need him to return my call. Think you can handle that?”

Me: “Uh, yes, sir, I am pretty sure I can handle that.”

Caller: “Are you sure? I know assistants are always screwing s*** up. I should know; my assistants f*** up all the time.”

Me: “Sir, are you one of our clients already?”

Caller: “Nope.”

Me: “Well, I hate to break it to you, but I am an attorney here, and you won’t ever be a client.”

(I hung up. I don’t want clients who treat my staff poorly like that, so I don’t care if we lost business. It sucks to see people not get stood up for on this site, so hopefully this is a win for those who need it!)

(I’ve recently changed jobs; I was a retail worker and am now a receptionist at a law firm, where my job mostly entails answering the phone and taking messages. After a month, I’m starting to feel good about my decision to change jobs, reflecting on how lucky I am that I no longer have to deal with crazy people. Then this phone call happens.)

Me: “Thank you for calling [Law Firm]. How may I help you?

Caller: *an older female voice with the most nasal, New-York accent I’ve ever heard* “Yeah, I need an attorney. A woman attorney, to be specific; not one of those guys who think they know it all and will charge you an arm and a leg to have you listen to them talk on and on.” *almost shouting* “Only a woman could possibly understand my pain! Do you even have female attorneys there?”

Me: “Yes, ma’am, we do have female attorneys here at [Law Firm]; currently half of the attorneys we have on staff are females. However, depending on what is it you are seeking assistance with, we may have to refer you to one of our male attorneys, instead, as they would be best able to assist you in your particular situation.”

Caller: *ignoring that last sentence* “Any of them Jewish?”

Me: *hoping I heard her wrong* “Excuse me?”

Caller: “Are any of your female attorneys Jewish?”

Me: *in my best retail voice* “With all due respect, the religious preferences of our attorneys isn’t a factor in their employment here at [Law Firm], and it certainly isn’t something I’m able to comment on.”

Caller: “Yeah, yeah, Ms. Politically Correct. Now just answer my question: are any of your female attorneys single, Jewish women?”

Me: *cue internal sighing* “The marital status or the religious preferences of our attorneys are not things I am able to discuss since those factors do not have a bearing on their experience, education, or ability to do their job. Now, if you aren’t actually seeking legal assistance, I’m afraid there isn’t anything else I can do to assist you with today, and I will be ending this call.”

Caller: *now shouting* “Well, how else am I supposed to find an attractive, educated, and intelligent Jewish attorney for my son to marry?!”

Me: “Ma’am, you do understand you’ve called a law firm, correct? We’re not a dating service and do not advertise as such.”

Caller: “Well, where else am I supposed to find an attorney?”

(I decided to keep my mouth shut and not advise her of online dating. I ended the call and let out a good laugh. I felt bad for the caller’s son, assuming he wasn’t aware of his mother’s antics, as well as any other law firms she had called or was going to call. So much for getting away from crazy customers.)

(Our office used to be a family practice with three separate lawyers. Because the father is soon to retire and our office is an older house, his children (two sons) have moved to their own offices. We now have a much smaller staff, and I’m one of three people who open the office before eight each day. Our clients understand the lawyer doesn’t come in until nine, so they tend not to call before that time. However, when I come in one morning, the phone is going off at 7:30. We are expected not to answer phones so we can get morning tasks done before we answer, so I wait until eight to answer the first call of the day.)

Me: “Good morning. [Law Office].”

Caller: “About time! I’ve called seven or eight times already!”

Me: “I apologize; we don’t open office until eight o’clock. How can I help you?”

Caller: “Until eight?! This is life or death, and you’re going to make me wait until eight? What if I had been dying?”

Me: “Then I would hope you’d call an ambulance or the police. How can I help you?”

Caller: “I don’t know if I want him helping me anymore, if that’s how y’all act. Maybe I need to be calling someone else.”

Me: “That is your prerogative, sir. I apologize we couldn’t help you when you liked, but no one is able to answer your calls before eight. Thank you and—”

Caller: “Wait! I want to talk to Mr. [Lawyer #1] about representing me! Don’t be hanging up on me yet. Any chance I can talk to him?”

Me: “Mr. [Lawyer #1] isn’t in until nine o’clock. Is this about [type of law]? If so, I can get you to our intake to get a name, number, and some information.”

Caller: “What? No. This is about family law. Isn’t that who I called?”

Me: “Ah, no, sir. That would be [Lawyer #1]’s son, [Lawyer #2], who moved out six months ago. The phone books are still catching up in changing his information online. I can give you his new phone number.” *relays number to him* “Thank you, sir, and have a nice day.”

(A minute later:)

Me: “Thank you for calling [Law Office].”

Caller: “Yeah, I got a divorce case and—”

Me: “Sir, I believe you called earlier. I gave you [Lawyer #2]’s number, correct?”

Caller: “D***, this ain’t his number?? What’s his number again?”

Me: “The only number that [Lawyer #2] has is [number]. If you’re unable to reach [Lawyer #2] at his number, it may be that his receptionist wasn’t able to reach the phone. Try again.”

(The caller hangs up and a few minutes later:)

Me: “Thank you for calling [Law Office].”

Caller: “D*** it!” *hangs up*

(I guess he didn’t believe me when I told him that was the only number that lawyer had. Aside from that, I’m not sure how a divorce is a matter of life or death.)

I am a very experienced, expensive lawyer who has worked in the area of family law for over nineteen years. I am well known in my field, and have acted for people in expensive, protracted disputes.

I say this because the capacity of some clients to think that for “reasons” they know more about family law than I never ceases to amaze me.

My favourite was when a client was determined to take a course of action (involving the commencement of litigation rather than trying to resolve matters by way of a negotiation) which I had no doubt would cost him more in legal costs and result in a less favourable outcome.

Because I’m not an idiot, I advised him against his preferred course of action clearly, and confirmed my advice by way of letter, which he countersigned.

About a year later, the client had spent maybe $30,000.00 more in legal costs than he should have, and received the same, if not worse, outcome than would have occurred in a negotiated outcome.

Somewhat unsurprisingly, he was furious with me, although he knew that my advice had been clear and, because he’d countersigned the letter, he couldn’t deny receiving it.

I asked what on earth I had done wrong. His response will live with me until my dying day:

“YOU SHOULD HAVE WORKED HARDER TO CONVINCE ME.”

Sometimes… I just can’t.

(I am lawyer who works at a legal office. I open some mail addressed to me. A letter says that a lady has sued one of my clients without going to court and is ordering him to pay $100,000 or she will leak confidential information. I call my client and inform him of this, and he tells me not to worry about the bluff and to just bin it. In about two weeks I get a phone call from my client in a panic.)

Me: “Hello, Mr. [Client]. How are you today?:

Client: “Not f****** good!”

Me: “What is the problem, sir?”

Client: “You know that weird lady?”

Me: “Yes, what did she do?”

Client: “Well, she posted all this stuff all over my Facebook wall that was not true. I am now getting terrible messages saying stuff that I am not. I am losing customers from my online shops and everything!”

Me: “Okay, do not delete the messages. Copy every message and send them to me for evidence. Just get off that account while I work on this for you.”

Client: “So, you want these message sent to you?”

Me: “Yes, sir.”

(The client sends the messages. We decide to sue for defamation since she has said stuff that is not true and he has now suffered financial loss because of it. Fast-forward about six months. We are about to have our hearing in court when I drop by the office on Saturday to collect some files. I walk in and see the lady that is in the court case ruffling through my files.)

Me: “Hey, [Lady], get out of there! You are not permitted to be here, and this is trespassing.”

Lady: “Oh, f*** off, you little b****. I am taking this evidence so you won’t be able to do anything to me anymore!”

Me: “Listen, we have security cameras rolling 24/7 here. In fact, your face has been on camera the entire time.”

Lady: “I don’t care! They don’t know it is me—”

Me: “It records audio, as well, and you just admitted to a crime.”

Lady: “But—” *sprints to the front door that is locked*

Me: “That door is locked.”

(I call the police while she is struggling with the door.)

Lady: “Let me out!”

Me: “Police have been called; please remain here.”

(The police arrive soon after the call and handcuff her.)

Me: “I would like to press charges on her, please; she has broken a lot of laws!”

Lady: “Oh, go f*** yourself!”

Me: “I will. Have a nice time!”

(I got a call on Monday… Guess who wanted me as their lawyer?)