It’s Just Not Your Day

| London, England, UK | Bizarre, Crazy Requests, Time

(A customer runs in through the door in an obvious state of distress.)

Me: “Hello, can I help you? Do you have an appointment?”

Customer: “WHAT DAY IS IT!?”

Me: “[Date].”

Customer: “WHAT DAY?!”

Me: “Wednesday…?”

Customer: *weeping in obvious terror* “MAKE IT NOT BE!”

Me: “How… how would I make it not be Wednesday?”

Customer: “MAKE IT BE TUESDAY! PLEASE!”

Me: “I… can’t. I’m sorry.”

(The customer ran outside, screaming. I found out later that he was going to lose his house if he didn’t make a payment by Tuesday, and he’d forgotten to. I’m still not sure how I was supposed to time-travel for him, though.)

Inheriting An Impossible Request

| Helsinki, Finland | Crazy Requests, Criminal & Illegal, Popular

Me: *phone rings* “[Law Firm], [My Name].”

Customer: “Do you handle inheritance cases?”

Me: “Yes, we do.”

Customer: “Well we have this disagreement in my family that has been going on for almost twenty years.”

Me: “Okay.”

Customer: “The problem is that a couple of relatives won’t sign any documents and we are all absolutely adamant that court proceedings are out of the question.”

Me: “Those are really the only options, I’m afraid. Either you can make an agreement or go to court.”

Customer: “No, that will not do. I want you to resolve it.”

Me: “I can write the contracts for everyone involved to sign, or I can take the matter to court. There is no third way.”

Customer: “No! Those options will not do! I want you to resolve it now. And I mean immediately!”

Me: “You mean at this very moment, over the phone, talking to you?”

Customer: “Yes.”

Me: “I’m sorry, but that is impossible.”

Customer: “Why?!”

Me: “It just is. I would have to do magic to resolve your disagreement of twenty years instantly, talking to just one party over the phone.”

Customer: “You are just absolutely useless!” *click*

Taxing Faxing, Part 16

| SC, USA | Extra Stupid, Technology

Me: “Thank you for calling [Law Firm]; this is [My Name].”

Client: “I need to speak to [My Boss].”

Me: “I’m sorry, she is on the phone. May I help you?”

Client: “No, I really need her.”

Me: “Okay. She may be a minute. Are you sure I can’t help you?”

Client: “No, I need her fax number. I’ll hold for her.”

Me: “Uh, I can give that to you.”

Related:
Taxing Faxing, Part 15
Taxing Faxing, Part 14
Taxing Faxing, Part 13

Email Fail, Part 6

| SC, USA | Extra Stupid, Technology

Me: *sending email to client* “I will need some information from you to get your papers started.”

Client: *in a replied email* “Okay, just send me your email address and I’ll get that right to you.”

Related:
Email Fail, Part 5
Email Fail, Part 4
Email Fail, Part 3

Making A Dis-Appointment

| Hanover, Germany | Crazy Requests

(I am a law student doing my practice course at a law firm which houses about a dozen lawyers just in the office where I am. It’s my last day, a Friday, and I’m assisting the lady at the front desk. She has just left for the back room, leaving me at the desk, when a client storms in, beet-red in the face and clearly agitated.)

Client: *in heavily accented German and just about to yell* “I have to talk to one of the lawyers. It’s about [case reference number].”

Me: “Sure, with whom do you have an appointment?”

Client: “I don’t have an appointment. But it’s really urgent.”

Me: “Oh, that’s a bummer. You do need an appointment. With whom do you want to talk?”

Client: “Mr. [Name].”

Me: “He’s not here today; he’s in the office in [Other City]. Do you want to make an appointment for Monday, as it’s so urgent?”

Client: “No, Monday doesn’t work. I don’t have time then.”

Me: “Would you like him to call you back?”

Client: “No, this needs to be done in person.”

Me: “So you would like an appointment with him.”

Client: “No.”

(I am starting to get a bad feeling about how this conversation is going to go.)

Client: “There’s more lawyers in this office, though, aren’t there? Let me talk to one of them.”

Me: “I’m afraid that won’t be possible. Mr. [Name] is the lawyer assigned to your case.”

Client: “Well, but he wasn’t my original lawyer here at this firm. I used to be with Mr. [Other Name].”

Me: “Yes, but Mr. [Other Name] left this office and moved to another, and all his cases were re-assigned to Mr. [Name].”

Client: “How is that even possible?!”

Me: “When you brought the case to us, you signed a letter of authorization.”

Client: “Yes, for Mr. [Other Name]!”

Me: “No, our standard letter of authorization clearly says it’s for all the lawyers of this office. And when Mr. [Other Name] left, Mr. [Name] took on all his cases.”

Client: “Well, then send me to another lawyer if the letter is good for everyone!”

Me: “I can’t do that. None of them are familiar with your case; they don’t work on it. Mr. [Name] does.”

(The client starts to pace in front of the desk and is breathing heavily.)

Me: “Do you want to talk to Mr. [Name]?”

Client: “Yes.”

Me: “Then let’s make an appointment.”

Client: “No.”

(The entire discussion described above is repeated. Twice.)

Me: *really annoyed now* “Okay, I’m going to break policy a bit now and see if I can reach him at the other office.”

(Usually, the offices act separately from each other, but I figure since the lawyer in question is a bit of an oddball by working at two offices, it’s okay for me to call. I do, but can’t reach him because he is with an appointment. The lady at the front desk of the other office – after chewing me out for breaking protocol – jots down the client’s mobile phone number, though.)

Me: “Now, Mr. [Name] has your number now, and he’ll call you once he’s available.”

Client: “Great. Now I can ask him when he wants me to come in on Monday for an appointment.” *leaves*

Me: *mentally goes through every known method of murdering a person*

Colleague: “Soooo, d’you think you’d like to work here permanently?”

Me: “I wasn’t planning on going to jail that soon into my career.”

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