Your Fortune: Humiliation

, , , , , , | Right | February 15, 2020

My husband and I were walking down the Las Vegas Strip. We were coming back from a show that was much farther from our hotel than we’d expected, so my feet were killing me and I was completely exhausted. I was just concentrating on putting one blistered foot in front of the other and getting back to the hotel so I could collapse.

The Vegas Strip is home to all sorts of fun and strange discoveries, and outside a shop, we spotted a Zoltar fortune-telling machine that looked like it had come straight out of the movie Big. We stopped to admire it for a moment, and I stepped forward to get a closer look.

The machine suddenly burst into life, moving dramatically and speaking loudly. I emitted some sort of strangled scream, jumped about a foot, and, in my exhausted and startled state, implored the machine, “PLEASE DON’T!”

My husband about fell over laughing at my reaction. When he had almost regained his composure, he noticed a pair of strangers that had passed us. The strangers were also laughing their heads off at me, which my husband was kind enough to point out to me.

Now that I’m far, far away from that stupid machine, I can laugh about the incident, too. And “Please don’t!” has become our reaction any time an object behaves in an unexpected way.

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That Is Not Her Custom

, , , , | Right | February 6, 2020

(I help a lady ship something internationally. We have a global shipping reference guide to what paperwork needs to go with what items to which countries. She is shipping to a country where only the shipping information is required for documents. For any other item, you have to fill out a commercial invoice, even if it’s not a commercial product. The woman is shipping a dog DNA test so she can adopt a dog from this country. I ask what that consists of and she says it is only documents, and it fits in our standard 12-by-9 envelope so I believe her. She pays around 100 dollars because she wants next-day delivery to another country. This incident occurs the next day.)

Me: “Hi, ma’am, how may I help you?”

(I don’t immediately recognize her because yesterday she was pleasant and today she looks ANGRY.)

Customer: “I WANT MY PACKAGE BACK, AND I WANT MY $100 BACK!”

(My manager is helping someone a few feet away from me as it’s a small store so she, along with everyone else, hears the customer.)

Manager: “[My Name], please help this customer; I’ll help her.” *to the irate customer* “How can I help you, ma’am?”

Customer: “I WANT MY MONEY AND I WANT MY PACKAGE!”

Manager: “Okay, when did you give us your package?”

Customer: “Yesterday.”

Manager: “We don’t have your package any longer; every day our packages get picked up by drivers so they can be delivered to where they need to go. May I ask why you need your package?”

Customer: “THEY’RE NOT SENDING MY PACKAGE! THEY SAY I NEED AN INVOICE AND NOBODY TOLD ME THAT! I NEED THAT PACKAGE TO BE THERE TODAY!”

Manager: “Let me call the station.”

(The manager calls and has a short discussion with a manager at the station and then puts her on hold.)

Manager: “Okay, it seems like all you need is to fill out a commercial invoice. You can fill it out right now and I’ll fax it to her and it will be on its way.”

Customer: “NO! I SHOULDN’T HAVE TO FILL THAT OUT. I’M NOT SELLING ANYTHING! NO ONE TOLD ME I HAD TO FILL IT OUT!”

Manager: “[My Name], can you speak with the station manager on the phone, please?”

Me: *picks up the phone* “This is [My Name].”

Station Manager: “So, it says here that it’s only documents.”

Me: *recognizes the customer by this point* “That is what she told me, and the SRG states that if it’s only documents, it doesn’t need a commercial invoice. In fact, that was the only thing for [Country] that doesn’t require a commercial invoice.”

Station Manager: “If that’s what she told you, you did nothing wrong. However, she lied. I have the package in my hand and I clearly feel swabs. If these are clean, we just need a commercial invoice, but if they are used samples, that’s a whole different story. I just wanted to make sure we’re in the clear. You can go back to work.”

(My manager takes the phone and backs up my story, because she helped me out with that lady yesterday.)

Manager: “All right, ma’am, so we have a few options here. You can either go down to the station and pick up your package, or you can call the 800-number and request that it be sent back here and you can pick it up tomorrow. Unfortunately, we cannot give you back cash as this occurred yesterday and we’ve already given the bank drop. There’s no way to refund cash if it’s not the same day. You’ll get a check in the mail in six to eight weeks.”

Customer: “YOU F****** HAVE GOT TO BE KIDDING ME! GIVE ME MY F****** MONEY AND GIVE ME MY F****** PACKAGE!”

Manager: “I’m sorry, ma’am, but neither your money nor your package is here. You’ll get your check in six to eight weeks and, as I said, you can pick up your package right now or have it delivered here tomorrow and pick it up then.” 

Customer: “THIS IS F****** RIDICULOUS! I’M GOING TO GO TO THE POST OFFICE! I CAN’T BELIEVE YOU F****** B****** WON’T JUST GIVE ME MY STUFF! I NEED THAT PACKAGE TO BE DELIVERED TODAY!”

Manager: “Well, you still have the option to fill out a commercial invoice right here. I’ll fax it over as soon as you complete it, they’ll attach it, and it will leave today.”

Customer: “NO! I SHOULDN’T HAVE TO DO THAT!”

Manager: “That’s actually a requirement of customs, not of [Company I work for].”

Customer: “NO! I’M GOING TO SHIP WITH THE POST OFFICE! WHERE IS MY PACKAGE?!”

Manager: “It’s at [address of facility]. Have a nice day.”

(The best part of this whole thing is that the post office will also require a commercial invoice because, as my manager said, it’s a customs requirement and not my company’s. Plus, they don’t have next-day international shipping. I would have given my paycheck to see her face when the post office asked her to fill it out.)

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Santa Versus Karen

, , , , , , , | Friendly | December 24, 2019

(It is around the holiday season. I’m at the mall, and you can imagine that it’s pretty packed with a bunch of people doing some last-minute shopping. I am roaming around the parking lot and can’t find any free spots for a good thirty minutes. Lo and behold, I see a large SUV backing out of a parking spot. In my wimpy Civic, I turn my clicker on to signal that I’m claiming this spot. As soon as the SUV completely backs out, I swerve in fast before anyone can see the empty spot. Of course, as I’m about to turn my car off, some Karen lady comes up to me with her car right behind mine.)

The Karen: “You took my spot!”

Me: “But you were nowhere in sight when I was waiting for it!”

(She keeps yelling and I honestly don’t have time for her bulls***.)

Me: “It’s the holiday season and I’m literally going to be in and out of the store; this isn’t something to be arguing about.”

The Karen: “That wasn’t the point of coming to you! You get out of the parking spot or else I’ll call security to remove your car!”

Me: “Maybe you should call Santa and his reindeers to hitch my car out of the spot.” *locks the door and walks away*

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The Teacher Can Monitor All Of You

, , , , , | Learning | November 24, 2019

(I am in a computer science class where we aren’t allowed to log in until the teacher says so. The teacher can see everyone’s screens from her computer.)

Teacher: “[Student #1], log out of your computer.”

Student #1: “I’m not logged in!”

Teacher: “Yes, you are. You just turned the monitor off.”

Student #2: “Ha! She told you!”

Teacher: “[Student #2], log off, as well.”

Student #2: “Oh, you can see that?”

(The class burst out laughing.)

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Is This The Dog Park From Night Vale?

, , , , , , , | Right | October 15, 2019

I decide to take a trip to the dog park with my boyfriend, his brother, and our dogs. As we get there, we enter the small dog section, since our dogs are fairly small.

We’re just walking around looking at other dogs playing with each other when, all of a sudden, we hear a very loud scream from some guy in the big dog section. Apparently, he is fighting with another dog owner, since her dog has been trying to get it on with multiple dogs in the big dog section.

This argument goes on for a while and each party seems to be saying some messed up s*** towards each other. I turn around and see all the owners from the small dog section huddling towards the gate like a flock of pigeons looking over to see what the two are fighting about.

This fight legit goes on for fifteen minutes and it goes nowhere, until I hear one elderly man go over to his other friend that’s still invested in the people fighting and tells him that this is such bulls*** and a waste of time, and there are more exciting things in life. Then, he says, “Here, let me give you some Viagra.”

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