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Watching Too Much Pirates Of The Caribbean

, , , , , , | Friendly | January 4, 2018

I am polishing glasses behind the counter at the wine cellar where I work. Sitting in front of the counter, a couple ladies and their men discuss ghosts, which both men seem skeptical about.

At some point, pirates are brought up and both men discuss pirates with great interest.

Suddenly one lady says to her man, “Wait, you’re telling me that you don’t believe in ghosts, but you believe in pirates?”

She laughs, clearly thinking this is ironic somehow. The two men glance at each other and chuckle along with her, and her fellow lady just quietly sips some wine.

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Well, The Pope Is Cooler These Days…

, , , , | Friendly | November 29, 2017

(My dad’s acquaintance is relating this story to me about her friend in the airport. The acquaintance’s friend was trying to text her to let her know about his arrival.)

What the Text Is Supposed To Say: “Hey, I’m here in the parking lot at the airport.”

What The Text Actually Says: “Hey, I’m here with the Pope in the parking lot smoking pot.”

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Flu Right Past The Diagnosis

, , , | Healthy | November 20, 2017

(I am in so much pain that I have a friend drive me to the ER. Note: I commonly have stomach problems and this pain is certainly NOT in my stomach. I get seen fairly quickly and given pain medicine but am still in some pain in spite of it.)

Doctor: “Did you recently have the flu?”

Me: “Yes, but this isn’t the flu.”

Doctor: “Yes, it is; it is causing you more pain because you’ve gotten it two times in a row. The pain is in your colon.”

Me: “I’ve had issues like that before. This is not it. Digestive pain does not happen on one side. Check your tests again.”

(The doctor leaves. I continue to experience pain and walk around to try to relieve it as sitting down seems to make it worse. Finally a nurse comes and tells me they are taking me to get an ultrasound.)

Me: “So what happened? Did he finally believe me?”

Nurse: “Yes, your pee sample came back and you had blood in it. You probably have a kidney stone.”

(Guess what was confirmed by the ultrasound? Never have I wanted to punch a doctor so badly. The flu indeed!)

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Rated R U Serious?

, , , , , | Right | October 12, 2017

(I’m a customer in line for a midnight premiere showing of a movie featuring a lot of violence. The movie has some notoriety because a little girl says a particularly bad word in one scene. The movie features superheroes, however, and one family has mistaken it for a kid-friendly movie.)

Cashier: “Ma’am, I can’t recommend you seeing this movie with your kids.” *gestures to two kids in superhero Halloween costumes* “It’s rated R, and isn’t appropriate for them.”

Mom: “I raise my kids right. I pay your salary. They’ll see what we want. It’s just pretend superheroes, like Spider-Man and s***!”

Me: “Ma’am, I’ve read the comic book; it’s really gory and bloody. You might want to look it up first, just in case.”

Mom: “F*** you!”

(In the opening scene of the movie, a deranged man in a bird costume jumped from a roof, and splatted into the ground. This woman immediately stood up and paraded her kids and husband out. Over an hour-and-a-half later as we left, she was still yelling at the ticket guy. Poor ticket guy.)

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You Just Got Owned

, , , , | Right | August 24, 2017

(We’re a small business, so we often get calls from people thinking we need certain services. Particularly small businesses are targeted by entry level sales people and college students looking for work. One thing the owner has us do to screen for these is ask anybody who asks for the owner if they actually know his name.)

Caller: “Is the owner there?”

Me: “Possibly. Who’s calling?”

Caller: “Yes, I need to talk to the OWNER.”

Me: “I heard you the first time. Are you able to tell me what this is about?”

Caller: “It’s about his business.”

Me: “That’s too vague. Can you tell me the name of him or her so I know there’s an established business relationship already?”

Caller: *louder for some reason* “OWNER. I need the owner.”

Me: “I need to know who you are first.”

Caller: “Oh. Hi, Mr. [Business name ending in the word Rental, not the owner’s last name]. You should get more helpful people to answer the phone.”

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