Not Your Happy Place

, , , , , , | Romantic | November 1, 2017

Me: “You know that ‘Happy’ song that you really hate?”

Husband: “Uh-huh.”

Me: “I heard it playing somewhere when I was out running errands today. You know that part where it goes something like, ‘if you feel like a room without a roof?’”

Husband: “Yeah, I guess.”

Me: “Well, I was thinking. A room without a roof, eh. Wouldn’t that be a cubicle?”

All Professionalism Has Gone With The Wind

, , , , , , | Learning | November 1, 2017

(I am developing some educational software. Besides me, there is the project manager, as well as his two daughters, both of whom are teachers and in charge of content, though all four of us write material. One segment involves a mouse being fed cheese. The manager is reading his preliminary script:)

Manager: “’…and then you need to cut the cheese. Then gi–’ What?”

Daughter #1: “NO!”

(The other daughter and I are face-palming and stifling laughs.)

Manager: “What? What’s wrong?”

Daughter #1: “Just… no! Not with kids. Look; I’ll handle it, okay?”

(Considering that he was about my age, I wasn’t sure how he managed to miss that bit of slang.)

One More Word And You’re Done!

, , , , , , , , , | Friendly | October 31, 2017

(My story involves a party game called “Bag of Nouns.” Everyone puts five nouns on five strips of paper and all the papers go into a bag. Teams are optional. The game has three rounds: the first round, you say whatever you can to get your group to guess the noun you drew from the bag and get through as many nouns as you can in a minute. At the end of each turn, all the strips of paper go back into the bag, so very quickly certain nouns become familiar through repetition. The second round is same idea, except you get ONE WORD to describe what’s on the paper, so you’d better hope the nouns you draw on your turn are familiar ones, or that someone in your group will figure out one of their nouns that hasn’t been drawn yet. If you screw up and say, “um,” then you’ve used your one word for that noun, and you’d better hope your team can guess from nothing. The third round is charades. We are on the second round, and a friend’s guest gets to go first.)

Friend: *to guest in question* “Okay, second round. You get just one word per noun that you draw. You can say that word over and over, but you cannot say any other words, not even ‘uh’ or ‘um.'”

Guest: “Okay.” *draws from bag, looks at it* “Right, so, this is a thing where—”

Friend: “—no. One word.” *everyone agrees to give her another shot, since she clearly missed something* “Okay, so if the noun you drew was, say, ‘car,’ you could say, ‘drive,’ or maybe, ‘traffic,’ but nothing else. If the noun you drew came up a lot in the previous round, try to pick a word from those turns to describe it that your team would recognize. Okay?”

Guest: “Yeah, got it.”

Friend: “Great. Draw again.”

Guest: *draws, looks* “Um, so, these are given when—”

Friend: “—no. Stop. Okay. So, for example, the one you drew that time was ‘Finals.’ You could say, ‘test,’ or, ‘college,’ and when that word came up in the first round, ‘stress’ was focused on a lot, so you could use ‘stress’ or something. But no other words. No sentences. No descriptions. One word for the noun you drew, and then your team has to guess based on that one word.”

Guest: *pauses* “Sure.” *draws again, looks at paper* “This is something that—”

Friend: “—yeah, okay, your turn’s over. Next person!”

(She never seemed to really understand the rule, but she also never seemed to understand that she was missing anything.)

Cats Have Nine Lives And More Names

, , , , , , | Working | October 30, 2017

(I work at an animal shelter. We have several different buildings on our site, and different rooms for the cats to be in. Our frequent volunteers know some of the longer-term resident cats really well and notice when they are adopted or pass away.)

Volunteer: “I saw that [Cat #1] was adopted!”

Me: “No, she is right here.” *points to [Cat #1]*

Volunteer: “I mean [Cat #1] out in [Room #2].”

Me: “I don’t think we have a cat by that name in [Room #2].”

Volunteer: “With the squished face? She was moved to [Other Adoption Center].”

Me: “Oh, you mean [Cat #2]?”

Volunteer: “I call her [Cat #1].”

Me: “Okay, I was unaware of that.”

Volunteer: “Or sometimes Amanda because her eyes look like Amanda Bynes.”

Me: “…”

How To Expline This To You

, , | Healthy | October 30, 2017

(Making bookings for patients is very easy. All I need is name, phone, modality, body part, and doctor name. I’ve been on the phone for a few minutes, the patient telling me a rather detailed explanation why she needs a scan of her back, yet not telling me anything I need to know. I’m polite, don’t interrupt, but I am spending too much time on this call and my coworker needs help with patients lined up.)

Me: “Okay. That doesn’t sound good. Did your doctor want an x-ray, ultrasound, or CT?”

Patient: “Scan of my back. My back.”

Me: “On your form your doctor gave you, did they write X.R., C.T. or U.S. anywhere?”

anguMe: “The paper the doctor gave you. Can you read it to me?”

Patient: “I have a paper. It says nothing.”

Me: *still very polite* “It doesn’t have your name on it? Not the doctor’s name and signature?”

Patient: “Yes. My name is [Patient].”

Me: *I can’t take it down until I know what they need and what room to start in, so I make a mental note for later* “Okay. Now the paper has nothing on it?” *I know it’s repetitive, but I have to confirm for what I have to say next if it’s true*

Patient: “Nothing. There’s nothing!”

Me: “Okay. So that means it’s invalid. You’d need to go to the doctors and get him to write you a referral.”

Patient: “It’s here!” *she’s now livid* ‘No! No. No. It says here!”

Me: “I’m sorry?”

Patient: “It says X.R. spline—” *yes, s.p.l.i.n.e.* “—Lubosac; my back!”

(I gathered it was an x-ray lumbosacral spine, but don’t you just love how information materialises?)

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