Your Salary This Year Will Be Impotent

, , , , | Working | September 20, 2017

(My coworker likes to occasionally “pick on” some of the sales managers, but it’s all in good fun, and they know she’s just joking.)

Coworker: *shouting out the window of the office to one of the managers* “[MANAGER], ARE YOU IMPOTENT?”

Me: “[Coworker], you can’t say that!”

Coworker: “Why?”

Me: “Do you know what that means?”

Coworker: “Doesn’t it just mean, like, unimportant?”

Me: “No! It means a guy can’t get it up!”

Coworker: “Oh.”

(At this point, the manager comes over, and he’s just dying of laughter.)

Me: “Never say that again!”

That’s Too Much Sharing

, , , , | Right | September 20, 2017

(My friend is traveling to New York on business. While he usually gets his own room, his boss warns him that due to cutbacks, he may be sharing a room with a coworker this trip. The hotel desk clerk is a very attractive woman.)

Friend: “Reservation for [Name].”

Clerk: “And will you be staying alone, sir?”

Friend: “Yes.” *remembers that the room may have been reserved for two* “Unless you have other plans.”

Clerk: *icily hands him his key card* “Good day, sir.”

Just Shear Innuendo

, , , | Learning | September 20, 2017

Classmate: “[Teacher], can I borrow a pair of shears?”

Teacher: “Sure.” *grabs pair of shears* “I’m pretty good at scissoring.”

Bad Grammer Luvs Compani

, , , , , | Working | September 19, 2017

(It is only after I send in an application for a job that I found online that I notice that I’ve spelled the company’s name wrong a couple of times. I think to myself that I’ve ruined my chance of getting the job. A few days later, I get a call from the manager.)

Manager: “Hi, is that [My Name]? I’m calling regarding your application for [job]. Honestly, you sound ideal, and I’d like you to come in for an interview tomorrow.”

(I went in for the interview and ended up getting the job. I wondered to myself for the first week about whether she had even noticed the spelling mistake, until I saw that she’d written a note on the staff room notice board. Just about every second word was spelled wrong.)

Louisianapathy

, , , , | Related | September 19, 2017

(My husband is from Louisiana, and he has a very thick Cajun accent. Usually he’s good about enunciating, so most people don’t have any trouble understanding him, but when he’s very tired or drunk, he’s harder to understand. We are camping with our families, and his sister is sharing our tent. One morning, I get up early to make breakfast. I wake my husband up to ask him how many pancakes he’ll want.)

Husband: *still half-asleep, says something completely unintelligible*

Me: “What?”

Husband: *repeats himself*

Me: “Babe, I can’t understand you.”

Sister-In-Law: “He said he wants four, and that he had to put the powdered milk in the green ice chest instead of the red one because it wouldn’t fit.”

Me: “…[Sister-In-Law], you have a superpower.”

Sister-In-Law: “Uh-huh.” *goes back to sleep*

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