We Need To Spell It Out For You

, , , , , | Related | January 19, 2018

(My brother is on his phone when our sister and I walk into the room.)

Brother: “Wow. I cannot spell today.”

Sister: *without missing a beat* “T-O-D-A-Y!”

(After a moment of silence we all burst out laughing.)

They Should Make An App For That

, , , , | Right | January 18, 2018

(An elderly woman walks in.)

Me: “Hello, ma’am. How can I help you today?”

Customer: “I want to read the Bible from my phone and my grandson told me to get it from the app store. Can you give me directions?”

Me: “Directions to what?”

Customer: “The app store. He didn’t tell me where it is, and I don’t know how to use my GPS.”

(I explained to her what the app store was. She walked away, embarrassed.)

Polite Metal

, , , , | Friendly | January 18, 2018

(This takes place at an outdoor heavy metal festival. One of the bands playing is from the partner town of the place where the festival is hosted.)

Singer: *in heavily accented English* “We are [Band], and we come from Poland. We do not speak German, and our English is not good, so our texts are in Polish. I hope you don’t mind that and enjoy our music.”

(The band started to play, and the singer launched into an absolutely unintelligible death metal growl that we wouldn’t have been able to understand in ANY language. My friend and I doubled over laughing.)

Grammar Can Save You From A Sticky Situation

, , , , | Working | January 18, 2018

([Coworker #1] approaches [Coworker #2] opposite me.)

Coworker #1: “I think there’s been a c**k-up with the dates on these reports. Could you have a look?”

(They go through them, but find the dates are actually correct.)

Coworker #2: *what he means to say* “C**k-up? My a**.”

Coworker #2: *what he actually says* “C**k up my a**.”

This Joke Has Gone To Pot

, , , , , , , | Related | January 17, 2018

(Our cousin has a job that causes him to move to new areas quite often. His latest contract is in an area close to my brother’s home, which is currently unoccupied, due to my brother’s health, so he moves in.)

Mother: “So, you know [Cousin] has moved into [Brother]’s home? Well, he’s growing drugs.”

Me: “What?”  

Mother: “He’s growing pot.”

Brother: “Oh, for God’s sake, he’s growing pot plants.”

Mother: “Yes, pot plants.”

Brother: “He’s growing plants in pots: herbs and vegetables.”

Mother: *with air quotes* “’Herbs.’”

(She was only joking, but in the worst possible taste; [Cousin]’s older brother died due to an overdose. A joke like this getting back to his parents would devastate them. She couldn’t understand why neither of us found it to be funny.)

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