Spiritually Stone-Faced

, , , , , | Working | April 7, 2018

A new “New Age” shop has opened in town and I go to have a look. I’m not that spiritual, myself, but my father was. He died back in 2005, but since he was a hobby archaeologist and a New Age enthusiast, I often look for special stones to put on his grave when I visit him. I happen to mention that to the woman running the shop and suddenly, she happily says, “Yeah, dead fathers are nice, aren’t they?”

My eyes go wide with shock, and I say, “Excuse me?”

Then she explains how nice it is that fathers always look after their children, even from heaven or the afterlife. I relaxed a bit then, but for real, that’s not something you say like that!

Should Have Stayed Soylent

, , , , | Right | April 5, 2018

(It’s been a long, busy afternoon and I’m trying to serve people whilst preparing food. I go to serve a customer but realise the banana bread behind me is burning, so I pull it out whilst I am still listening to her order. She is speaking very softly, so I ask her to repeat her order. In the most patronising way possible, she repeats her order.)

Customer: “I’ll have two small mudslide mochas with soy sauce.”

Me: “Uh… Did you mean soy milk?”

Customer: *instantly sheepish* “Oh, yeah. I guess so.”

(She scoffed like somehow it was my fault she said the wrong thing, paid, then walked away.)

Next Caller Is From The Read Digest

, , , , | Working | April 5, 2018

(I’m having a pint when my phone rings. That’s unusual enough, and the caller ID says that it’s from Jamaica, of all places. Hmm, that’s not suspicious at all. The chances of this being a scam rise to 100% at the caller’s first badly-accented words, but I resist the urge to hang up for a moment.)

Scammer: “Hi. My name is Arthur Winters, and I am calling from the Publish Clearing House company.”

Me: “Can you say that name again?”

Scammer: “Yes. My name is Arthur Winters, and I am calling from the Publish Clearing House company.”

Me: “You mean the Publishers Clearing House.”

Scammer: “What?”

Me: “The company; it’s the Publishers Clearing House.”

Scammer: “Yes, I am from the Publish Clearing House.”

Me: “Yes, dear, but that’s not the name of that company. It’s okay. Come on. Say it with me—”

Scammer: *swears at himself and hangs up*

(Poor guy sounds like he’s going to have a tough time at this.)

You And I Can Write A Grammatically Correct Romance

, , , , , , | Romantic | April 5, 2018

(My wife and I kiss farewell before we head off to our respective cars and our respective jobs.)

Wife: “I love you.”

Me: “I love you. You are the best wife who ever wifed.”

Wife: “You are the best husband who ever husbanded.”

Me: “Not as best as your wifing… That sentence was grammatical!”

Wife: *pause* “I’m out of here.”

It’s All Sticky And Eu

, , , | Learning | April 4, 2018

(I’m a special education teacher. I am reviewing letter sounds with a second grader. I am showing letters, and he is giving me words that start with that sound. I pull out a V.)

Boy: “Um… Oh, a vampire!”

Me: “That’s right.”

Boy: “Did you know that, um… they come from, um… that country that’s really far away? Across the ocean. It’s called, um… um… Oh, yeah! Syrup!”

(Normally, I can stifle my laughter when he says things like that. Thankfully, he likes making people laugh. I’m pretty sure he meant that they come from Europe.)

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