The Complements Are Complimentary

, , , , , | Learning | November 14, 2017

(We have just finished a test and we have started a new topic: probability. We are talking about complements, which are mutually exclusive events, and our teacher is telling us not to get confused with compliments.)

Teacher: “…so, never confuse your complements.” *walks up to me* “[My Name], your marks on the test were the highest in the class.”

Me: *getting excited* “What?!”

Teacher: *to class* “See? Don’t use that type of compliment.”

Class: “OOOOOOH!”

(I giggled a little, though I felt shocked and sad. Fingers crossed; I still might have gotten good marks on the test.)

Engineered The Perfect Misunderstanding

, , , , , | Learning | November 13, 2017

(I’m checking engineers in at an alumni event where they each receive a name tag, but I am neither an engineer nor an alumni of the school.)

Engineer: “Where’s your name tag?”

Me: “I’m not an engineer.”

Engineer: “Don’t worry; it’s not that hard. Just peel the back off and stick it to your shirt.”

I’m More Of A Spooning Person Myself

, , , , , | Working | November 13, 2017

(It’s around lunchtime at my workplace, and I walk around the corner and find a coworker coming in the other direction, carrying her empty lunch container and a fork. Since I nearly run into her, she laughs and brandishes the fork at me.)

Coworker: “Haha, I’m gonna fork you!”

(She went off still laughing, with apparently no idea of what that sounded like.)

Fuzzy On The Definition

, , , , , | Romantic | November 13, 2017

(My husband and I are relaxing on a couch, individually looking at our phones. I’m absentmindedly running my hand over my scalp; I’ve recently gotten my hair trimmed almost buzz-cut short.)

Me: “I like it when my head is fuzzy.”

Husband: “Well, I don’t.”

Me: “What? Why?”

Husband: “I mean, I don’t really have a reason for it.” *sees my hurt look* “I mean, it’s not good when you’re having that weird, dizzy feeling, so I’m not sure why you’re so…”

Me: “Wait. Did you think… I meant my hair!”

Husband: “Oh! Be clearer next time!”

Things Won’t Be All Right In A Minute

, , , , | Right | November 12, 2017

(In the county I live in, it’s customary for entire conversations to consist solely of, “You all right?” “Yeah, you?” “Yeah,” to the extent where there have been songs written about it. A customer in her 60s walks into the store. My coworker is a student from a posh area up country, studying in the local university.)

Coworker: “You all right, there? How can I help?”

Customer: “You mean, ‘Good morning?’ ‘All right’ is a greeting only used by these backwards inbreds!”

(An entire store of “backwards inbreds” turned to look at the woman, and stared at her the entire time she was waiting for my coworker to go and fetch her contact lenses from the contact lens department, which she was too lazy to do herself.)

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