It’s Bag-uiling

, , , , , | Right | January 25, 2018

Customer: “I’ll have a #7.”

Me: “So, that’s a bacon, egg, and cheese sandwich on an English muffin?”

Customer: “No, I want it on a plain bagel.”

Me: “No problem. So, a bacon, egg, and cheese on a plain bagel––”

Customer: “No.”

Me: “No?”

Customer: “No.”

Me: “You asked for a bacon, egg, and cheese sandwich on a plain bagel, right?”

Customer: “Yes.”

Me: “Then, why’d you say no?”

Customer: “I don’t know.”

Laughing With The Power Of 3G

, , , , , , | Related | January 24, 2018

(My younger sister and I go to the theater. Said theater serves beer, and I order one for the novelty of the experience. I have just gathered up my soda, beer, and popcorn, and realize that I can’t remember where we are supposed to sit. Having just gotten everything situated in my hands so I don’t drop it, I don’t want to set it down to check my ticket.)

Me: “Hey, pull out your ticket and see what seat you have.”

Sister: “G4.”

Me: “That means I’m in G3.”

Sister: “All right! Let’s go find that G-spot!”

(I ended up having to set all my stuff down, anyway, because I was laughing so hard.)

It’s Time To Really Make Your Point

, , , , , , , | Related | January 22, 2018

(I am nine years old.)

Me: “Are we there yet?”

Dad: “Not yet. Another hour or so.”

Me: “What time is it?”

Dad: “3:30 pm.”

Me: “What time is it?”

Dad: “It’s only 3:32!”

Me: “What time is it?”

Dad: “3:35.”

Me: “What time is it?”

Dad: “3:40.”

Me: “What time is it?”

Dad: “3:45, and stop asking, ‘What time is it?’!”

Me: “Il est quelle heure?”

Dad: *has a fit of laughs and throws a tissue roll at me* “Just… NO asking… at all.”

Your Comedy Routine Is Going South

, , , , , , , | Working | January 22, 2018

(My coworker does very good impressions and while he normally sticks to celebrities, he can do a few accents, too.)

Coworker: *to boss in a southern accent* “Get ya hands off my gun and go to church or I’m gonna tan your hide.”

Boss: “Mhmm.”

Coworker: *still doing a southern drawl* “Naw, listen here, Jimmy. The most important lessons in life is how to shoot a gun and how to get ’em girls pregnant, y’hear?”

(The phone rings and my boss goes into his office to answer it.)

Me: “[Coworker], you know [Boss] is from Georgia, right?”

Coworker: “Georgia… wait, like…?”

Me: “Like the south of the south! You’re basically doing a bad impression of people from his home state.” *sarcastically* “Way to go, buddy.”

Coworker: “No… No! He doesn’t have an accent! How the hell was I supposed to know? Are you sure he’s from Georgia? He has like no accent. He speaks like us!”

Me: “Like us? You mean he speaks English? You need to stop talking. You’re digging yourself into a deeper hole.”

Coworker: “OH, S***! OH, S***!”

(He didn’t get into trouble, since our boss has a very good sense of humour, but [Coworker] sticks to celebrities now.)

It’s Not Just A Cold Shoulder Anymore

, , , , , , | Related | January 19, 2018

(We have been having record-breaking cold temperatures for the past few days. My mom is complaining, and then she drops this gem.)

Mom: “It’s so cold I could key somebody’s car with my nipples without even trying!”

Dad: “YOU DID WHAT WITH YOUR NIPPLES?”

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