Crouton And Off

, , , , , | Right | April 24, 2020

I work at a large midwest grocery chain’s bakery. There’s a lady who comes by that my coworkers have dubbed “The Grinch” because nothing we do seems to satisfy her in any way. I’m newer to the department, so I haven’t had the pleasure of meeting her yet. 

As I’m traying up cookies to be baked, I see the cake decorator talking to her. I’m not really paying much attention until the decorator says:

Decorator: “[My Name], do we have any croutons?”

Me: “I don’t think so; I’ve never seen them over here.”

Grinch: “I get them here every week!”

Me: “I’m sorry, but I’ve never seen croutons here in the bakery.”

The Grinch walks away, mumbling.

Grinch: “Doesn’t even know what I’m talking about.”

This is when the cake decorator tells me how they call her the Grinch and she’s always mean and racist and has something rude to say about everything. Then, the customer comes back.

Grinch: “See? These are croutons.”

She’s holding a package of croissants.

Me: *Very simply* “Croissant.”

She looks at me, looks at the package, then looks at me again, and in an attempt to save face, says:

Grinch: “Hmpf, whatever, they are overbaked! The baker always overbakes them!”

Me: “Well, I’ll be sure to pass that note to my manager.”

Grinch: “Yeah, okay.”

The Grinch walked away. Please, everyone, make sure to ask us for the right thing. We’re not mindreaders and legitimately do want to help, but getting mad at us because you said the wrong item isn’t going to help anyone.

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Some Fresh Slang!

, , , , , | Right | April 22, 2020

I am at a store in the mall when a young boy comes up to the employee next to me. We’re in Australia.

Boy: “Do you have a fresher?”

Employee: “I’m sorry, what was that?”

Boy: “I need to go to the fresher.”

The employee looks around for whoever in charge but sees no one.

Boy: “Toilet, bathroom, restroom, water closet? What do you call it? My dad said ask for a fresher.”

Employee: “Oh, you are looking for a toilet. Closest one is across and a few stores to your left.”

Boy: “You call it toilet here, too? My dad says words are all different down here.”

Employee: “That’s true that words can be different, but I never heard of toilets being called freshers here.”

Boy: “Okay! And thanks!”

The boy starts running off, yelling.

Boy: “Daddy! They are called toilets!”

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Their Pronunciation Accuracy Is Low

, , , , | Learning | April 22, 2020

I’m a fourth-grade teacher.

Student: “How do you spell ‘muscle odor’?”

Me: “Sorry, what?”

Student: “Muscle odor.”

Me: “Um, what does that mean?”

Student: “It’s a kind of a gun.”

Me: “Oh. M-U-Z-Z-L-E-L-O-A-D-E-R.”

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The Terrible Trilinguals

, , , , | Friendly | April 21, 2020

I’m babysitting two small children, a five-year-old and a three-year-old. These two children are trilingual, while I am not. By virtue of spending a lot of time with these kids, I can understand a moderate amount in German and a small amount in Russian but can’t speak in either language. 

Today on the agenda is swimming lessons, and when we finish, I herd them towards the elevators so we can head back to their house. As we get there, we approach a family who is speaking Russian. The five-year-old is always psyched to find other people who speak her languages, so she strikes up a conversation with the two little girls.

As happens with regularity, the mother turns to me and starts speaking to me in Russian. I explain that I’m their babysitter and I’m woefully monolingual. The five-year-old then launches into an explanation — in Russian — of who speaks what language in her family, since not everyone speaks all three.

She makes a mistake and I correct her in English, which leads to some weird looks from the mother of the other family. I explain that I can understand a little bit, but I don’t speak it. The mother asks why I don’t speak it or learn to speak it, and the five-year-old interjects with a bit of Russian I don’t understand. 

The mother starts laughing, while the five-year-old gives a cheeky grin. The mother tells me that the kid told her I’m a bad student, which is why I don’t speak it. I also laugh, because that assessment comes from her trying to teach me Russian words for months but giving up because she didn’t like my decidedly American pronunciation. Good thing she wasn’t grading me.

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To Be Fair, Edible Undies Are A Thing

, , , , | Right | April 20, 2020

I work in a popular lingerie store. We spray our store with fragrances to increase sales. I am working on the registers on a very busy and the noise level is high.

Manager: *To [Coworker]* “When you’re done ringing that customer, I need to you to go work on the cotton panty bar.”

The cotton panty bar is just a large table with panties.

Customer: *Excited* “You have a cotton candy bar here?!”

Me: “No, ma’am, it’s a cotton panty bar.”

She doesn’t hear me correctly.

Customer: “Yeah, yeah, where is it?!”

My coworker, thinking the customer is talking about the PANTY bar, points behind the customer.

Customer: “Mmm! No wonder it smells so good in here!” *To her daughter* “They have cotton candy here!”

Me: *speaking louder* “No, ma’am, It’s a cotton panty bar… for panties.”

Customer: “Oh, panties.” *Looks down, embarrassed*

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