That’s Its New Name Forever Now

, , | Right | September 25, 2019

Customer: “Do you have one of those buzz buzz things, for your feet?”

Me: “You mean a foot massager?”

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Al Simmons Is Having Babies

, , , , | Romantic | September 25, 2019

(My wife has just gotten a letter; I ask her what it is.)

Wife: “An invite to my cousin’s… What’s that called? Spawning party?”

Me: “Baby shower?”

Wife: “Yes!”

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Who Put Sand(paper) Up Their Crotches?  

, , , , , | Right | September 23, 2019

(I am at a pharmacy at 3:00 am trying to pick up some toilet paper. There are two people arguing somewhere near the rear of the store and the store clerk is falling asleep at the checkout. It is when I get to the toilet paper section that I discover that the people arguing are standing in front of my goal. Not wanting to get anywhere near this nasty-sounding fight, I go down a few aisles to wait out the storm. That’s when I hear this gem:)

Lady: “We ain’t buying that s***ty a** s***!”

Guy: “That crap you always buy always gets all up in my a**. We be buying a** wipes, not f****** tissue paper!”

Lady: “I’m not rubbing my crotch with this sandpaper bulls***!”

Guy: “This ain’t nothing like sandpaper. This s*** be tight and it ain’t gonna rub ya raw!”

(I’m an aisle over at this point trying not to laugh too loudly. They’re making sailors proud with their foul language. I’ve never heard such a colorful argument about toilet paper before. They continue this for a bit when the guy drops some math on the lady.)

Guy: “Look right here. This has 200 sheets per f****** roll. There be four rolls in this s***. With five sheets for every hardcore a**-wiping and four hardcore a**-wipings for each s***, this f****** roll gonna last for ten hardcore s*** sessions. That’s f****** forty hardcore s***s for five f****** dollars. And your b****-a** s*** costs f****** ten bucks and I gotta dig the f****** s*** nuggets out of my a** every time I use this s***.”

(They must have heard me laughing at this point as they got really quiet. I don’t know if the guy ever convinced the lady to buy whatever it was. Definitely spiced up my earlier morning.)

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Didn’t Know The Coffee Was Supposed To Taste THAT Good

, , , , | Right | September 23, 2019

(At this cafe, we sell coffee beans that we can grind as well as drinks. A regular comes in for his morning coffee.)

Regular: “Hey, do you have a bag of Kama Sutra?”

Coworker: *pauses* “What?”

Regular: “Kama Sutra.”

Coworker: “Do you mean Sumatra?”

Regular: “Yeah, that. What did I say?”

(A bit later, while the regular was drinking his coffee, his brother came in and we shared the story. I have a feeling he’s not going to hear the end of it for a while.)

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Pink And You’ll Miss It

, , , | Right | September 21, 2019

(A customer approaches my counter just as I finish ringing another client.)

Me: “Hello, can I help you find anything today?”

Customer: “Pink.”

Me: “Okay, definitely. Were you looking for pink eyeshadow, pink lipstick, pink blush…?”

Customer: “PINK!”

Me: “Yes, ma’am, which product was it that you were looking for?”

Customer: “PINK! I said PINK!”

Me: “Okay…” *shows her a few pink lipsticks*

Customer: “No.”

Me: *shows her a few pink blushes*

Customer: “That isn’t right.”

Me: “Can you tell me anything else about the product you were looking for?”

Customer: *points at a blue eyeshadow* “Like this. I want this. Give me this.”

Me: “A pink one of this?”

Customer: “NO, this one!”

Me: *wonders why I still work here*

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