Ich Bin Ein Idiot

, , , , , | Learning | December 21, 2019

(I’ve spent some 33 years calling on Illinois high schools as a textbook sales representative. On one occasion, while walking through a school hallway, I notice an empty classroom. Looking inside, I can tell by the posters on the walls that it is a German teacher’s room. Furthermore, the teacher’s name is on a large poster board taped to the door. Knowing the teacher will be returning soon, I pull a new German book out of my heavy book bag and wait for the bell to ring.)

Me: “Hello, Mrs. Willkommen. My name is [My Name]; I am a textbook sales rep and I’d like to show you our new German reader.”

Teacher: “Let me get this straight. You are selling German textbooks and you didn’t know that ‘Willkommen’ in German means ‘welcome’?”

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Welcome To The Stage, Ma’am-O-Gram!

, , , , , , | Healthy | December 20, 2019

During my regular mammogram, the doctor saw a lump that they wanted better images of, so I went to the clinic for the diagnostic mammogram follow-up. In my mid-forties now, I used to be an exotic dancer years ago, and I’m not exactly shy.

The nurse was getting me prepped for the diagnostic mammogram. This involved a couple of magic marker lines for orientation. She also applied some kind of metal sticker to point to the area of interest.

She turned to put a note in the file and told me, “Give me two shakes and we’ll get this done and over with.”

Odd directions… but I gave her my best shimmy, making sure that the sticker stayed attached to my swinging breasts.

She laughed so hard that she dropped her pen and needed a minute to recollect her professional cool.

Apparently, she meant the phrase “in two shakes of a lamb’s tail,” meaning, “in a short time.” She wasn’t expecting a show!

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The Back Of The TV Stays The Same Color Always!

, , , , | Working | December 19, 2019

(I overhear this in a store when flat-screens are an upcoming thing. A middle-aged couple is checking them out. The husband is a bit skeptical about the thing while the salesman has a perfect reply.)

Customer: “Well, I don’t know. We have our chairs and couches set up pretty wide in the living room, and you get discoloration when you look at these screens from an angle.”

(This is true; these early versions do show weird colors when looking at them — almost — from the side.)

Salesman: “True, the angle does have some effect on the colors, but you’ll have to rotate at least 180 degrees before you see a significant difference.”

(I assume he meant the angle for pleasant viewing was almost 180 degrees.)

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Now We Know Why They Didn’t Let Him Join In Any Reindeer Games

, , , , , , | Related | December 19, 2019

(It’s a few days before Christmas. I walk into the living room and see our dog, Oreo, wearing reindeer antlers.)

Me: “Oreo! You look so cute!”

Daughter: “Who’s Oreo? All I see is Rudolph.”

Wife: “Hitler?”

Me & Our Daughter: “WHAT?!”

Wife: “Rudolph Hitler.”

Me: “That’s Adolf.”

Daughter: “Rudolph is the red-nosed reindeer. Remember?”

Wife: “Oh, that’s right. Whoops.”

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We Call Bull(dog)

, , , , , | Right | December 17, 2019

Our clients are never able to spell their breeds correctly, which usually leads to a few funny things. I’ve seen a “S***-A-Poo,” aka Shih-Tzu/Poodle mix, and then there was the “Paptest,” aka Papillion.

I swear on my paycheck these are really written on medical documents at my company.

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