Might Want To Sit On Your A** For This One

, , , , | Right | April 27, 2019

(I’m out on the floor stocking when one of our regulars approaches me. I inwardly roll my eyes because she’s always a problem customer. She’s always in a terrible mood and treats employees like crap. Today is no exception.)

Regular: “You f****** people are always f****** moving s*** around! I can’t ever find what I want in here!”

Me: *gritting my teeth and hoping it comes across as a believable smile* “What can I help you find?”

Regular: “Where the f*** is the A** BLACK?”

Me: “I’m sorry?”

Regular: “You know, the A** BLACK!”

Me: “I’m not familiar with the, ah…”

Regular: “A** BLACK?”

Me: “Yes… that. At the risk of sounding stupid, what is it used for?”

Regular: “Jesus Christ!” *gives me a look like I’m the dumbest thing on two legs, then screaming* “IT’S A STARTER FORMULA!”

Me: “Starter formu… Wait a second. Do you mean Esbilac? For puppies?”

Regular: “Yeah, exactly what I said, the A** BLACK!”

Me: *biting my lip hard to keep from breaking into gales of hysterical laughter* “Ah, sure. It’s right over here!”

(I take her to the aisle and show her the formula. In a true change of habit, she thanks me and is on her way. I go our information desk where a coworker is standing.)

Coworker: “I heard all that yelling; what was her problem this time?”

Me: “She couldn’t find the A** BLACK.”

Coworker: “The WHAT?”

Vowel Movements

, , , , | Learning | April 27, 2019

(In most Spanish-speaking countries, the letters “B” and “V” sound exactly alike, which means you have to specify “big B” or “little V” when spelling. This leads to the hilarious mispronunciation of a number of English words. I’m volunteering to help a group of students practice their English, and I’m explaining the use of a/an:)

Me: “‘A’ is used when the next word starts with a consonant, like C, N, or T. ‘An’ is used when the next word starts with a vowel, like E, I, or U.”

Student #1: *muttering to self* “Oh, a bowel…”

Me: “No, no. A vowel. Little V.”

All Students: “Oh, a bowel!”

Me: *laughs* “Nope. Vowel. Little V. In English, big B and little V have two different sounds: B is with your mouth closed, and V is with your upper teeth on your lower lip, like this.” *demonstrates exaggerated movements*

Student #2: *attempting the new pronunciation* “V-v-vowel?”

Me: “Perfect!”

Student #1: “Bowel?”

Me: “No, a bowel is part of your insides — I don’t think you want that. Vowel has a little V. Remember, your teeth have to go on the outside of your bottom lip, like this.” *demonstrates and waits for everyone to copy*

Me: “Exactly!”

Student #1: “Okay… Bow—“

Me: “Not quite!”

Students #2-4: “Like this!” *demonstrate exaggerated mouth movements*

Student #1: “B-b-b-v-v-v-vowel…?”

Me: “Perfect!”

All Students: *cheer*

(After my own mishaps learning other languages, I love teaching them!)

Lost In Their Own Translation

, , , | Right | April 24, 2019

(I am a freelance translator working from home. I translate documents in the French-English language pair — English to French and vice-versa — and don’t work with other languages. One day I receive a message from a regular customer.)

Customer: “Hi. Are you available to translate a new document?”

Me: “Hi! Sure, what do you need?”

Customer: “I need to get a 4000-word document translated from Dutch to French within the next twelve hours. I need you to use Google Translate and fix all the errors for a perfect translation.”

(I don’t speak a single word of Dutch.)

Me: “I’m sorry, but don’t you mean English to French? I’m afraid I don’t speak Dutch.”

Customer: “No, it’s okay. I just need you to use Google Translate to translate it from Dutch to French, and correct the mistakes in French for a perfect translation. Get it?”

Me: “Sorry, I think you’re going to have to ask someone who speaks Dutch; I can’t provide you with a quality translation if I don’t speak the source language.”

Customer: “Oh. Okay, then. Bye!”

(If it was so easy to translate a document and get a quality result, nobody would need professional translators!)

Need To Get Their Protein Somehow

, , , , | Right | April 23, 2019

(An old woman is trying to find some items on her shopping list.)

Customer: “I’m sorry, I’m having a hard time reading my own writing. Hmm, it says that I need Protein Pro V hair gel.”

Me: “I’m sorry, nothing is coming up under that name. However, we sell Pantene Pro V hair gel.”

Customer: “No no, it says, ‘Protein Pro V.’ You see?”

(She shows me her paper and it does look like chicken scratch, but I can kind of make out “Pantene,” for which she might be seeing “protein.”)

Me: “I’m sorry, but this is the only thing that is ‘Pro V’ hair gel.”

Customer: “I’ll have to come another day, then. It’s a shame you don’t have what I’m looking for.”

(Even when I Googled it at home, nothing came up except for Pantene.)

Learning How To Talk Crap

, , , , , , | Friendly | April 22, 2019

(My friend and I are traveling together through Mexico. We are sitting in an outdoor cafe on a square in a beautiful Mexican city when I am approached by a young woman. She engages me in conversation. I am nervous. She does not speak English, and I only speak basic high school Spanish, so the conversation is going slowly.)

Woman: “¿Cómo te llamas?”

Me: “¿Me llamo [My Name], y tú?”

Woman: “Gabriela… ¿Y cuantos años tienes?”

Me: “Tengo 23 anos.”

(She leaves quickly. My friend starts laughing.)

Me: “What did I say?”

Friend: “You told her you have 23 a**holes.”

Page 5/166First...34567...Last