Words To Get You Shot

, , , , | Right | July 21, 2018

(I work as a holistic/massage therapist in a chiropractor’s office. We primarily handle patients who are recovering from injuries. I love the work, but I have developed a serious case of carpal tunnel and had to switch careers until it is healed. My husband and I decide to take a concealed carry class together, since we both like to go out to the range to shoot, etc. One of my former patients just happens to be in the class. Note: I’m in my mid-20s but still get mistaken for 18 or 19, and this man is in his mid-50s. At the beginning of class:)

Former Patient: “Hey! I thought that was you! How are you, [My Name]?”

Me: “I’m great! My hand is doing much better, and I’ve been looking forward to this class.”

Former Patient: “Me, too! Well, enjoy the class.”

(The first day of the class is all in a “school” setting; we’re all seated at tables in uncomfortable metal chairs for several hours. When it’s time for a break:)

Former Patient: *to me, LOUDLY, from across the room* “Man! My back is killing me! I wish I could lay down on this table and let you do me right here!”

(The entire class stares.)

Me: *speechless and mortified*

My Husband: *laughing… not helpful*

(As soon as the man walks out of the room I turn to the rest of the class.)

Me: “I just want everyone to know that I used to be his holistic therapist at a chiropractor’s office. That’s it.”

(You can see the sigh of relief that sweeps through the rest of the students, and they all go on their breaks.)

My Husband: “So, you think they all thought you were a teenage hooker trying to get her gun license?”

Let Me Educate You On Politeness

, , , , , | Right | July 20, 2018

(While the company I work for is country-wide, customer service is mostly province-based, so as customer service agents, we normally don’t deal with calls from or about a province outside our own. A guy from one of our suppliers calls the English-speaking line, but speaks to me in French.)

Caller: “Hi, could you transfer me to the service line closest to Mississauga?”

(That’s in Ontario. Unfamiliar with that particular city, or where it is exactly, I try to deduce which center would be closest.)

Me: “Is that near Ottawa?”

(He speaks French and reached the Quebec line, so I think he might be based near the capital, which is very bilingual and close to the provincial border.)

Caller: *laughs* “That’s kind of right next to Toronto! My brother used to be minister for the education; guess he did his job wrong!”

Me: *silent and unimpressed, looking for the right number to transfer him*

Caller: *after a moment not awkward enough for how rude he just was* “Well, it’s a beautiful place.”

Me: “I’m sure it is. Let me put you on hold to transfer you.”

(I’m guessing he didn’t realize he had gotten a line in another province, but it was still incredibly rude. I got a call from a different guy from the same supplier right after, and he was super pleasant.)

That’s An Old Joke

, , , , , , | Working | July 20, 2018

(After adding a battery to my customer’s wife’s watch and handing it to him…)

Me: “I forgot to check what brand your watch is. May I see it again so I can enter it into our system?”

Customer: *handing back the watch* “Sure, but it’s not my watch; it’s my wife’s. She’s been with me over 50 years!”

Me: *looking at watch* “A fossil!”

Customer: “…”

Me: *mortified* “No! The brand of the watch for which I just put in a battery for you. Not your wife!”

Touch Technology

, , , , , | Working | July 20, 2018

(I write the schedule for my store. In the past, I’ve had access to my own schedule. I don’t write my own schedule, but from time to time it’s been handy when a manager is busy and I need my personal schedule to be changed. Recently they updated the software and I can no longer access my personal schedule. I tend to talk without thinking. The following conversation happens with one of the main bosses, who is the strictest.)

Me: “I was just on the schedule software and noticed a change. I can no longer touch myself. Is there a reason I can no longer touch myself?”

Boss: “Um, yes…. You can’t touch yourself.”

Towtal Ironny

, , , , | Learning | July 20, 2018

(I’m an English teacher, and I love what I do, but occasionally I spell words wrong when I write on the board; I get letters switched around in the word, or leave letters out of words without noticing. I’m normally open with the students when they notice any errors, because I want them to be open to owning their own mistakes and fixing them. This occurs during a lesson with year seven, when we are talking about irony:)

Me: “Does anyone else want to share an example of irony they came up with?”

Student: “Miss, isn’t it like how you’re an English teacher, but you can’t spell?”

Me: *pause* “Yes. Yes, it is. Thanks for that.”

(It was a good example, but we moved on quickly, as I didn’t know how to respond with dignity.)

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