Funky Listening Skills

, , , | | Working | July 2, 2019

(I’m a female in her mid-twenties who works in the deli department of a supermarket. One morning, I’m opening with a coworker, and because it’s early it’s dead quiet, so I’m telling her about how my car is at the mechanics. A manager walks past, hears us talking, and storms over.)

Manager: “[My Name], I don’t ever want to hear that kind of language! I should write you up!”

Me: “What did I say?”

Manager: “I heard you tell [Coworker] that your car had gone all f-*-*-*-y. That is not okay to say where customers can hear you!”

Me: “Um, I said my car had gone all funky. You know, f-u-n-k-y?”

Manager: “Oh.”

(She walks off without another word.)

Coworker: “You totally said your car had gone all f***y, didn’t you?”

Me: “Yup.”

Michiganese

, , , , , | | Right | July 2, 2019

(I live in Texas but am originally from Michigan. My accent can be described as “generic American,” and although I do have a tendency to speak quickly, I am very good at enunciating. I am working at a call center that only has branches in the contiguous United States.)

Me: “Hello, thank you for calling [Call Center]. My name is [My Name]. May I have your name, please?”

Customer: “Hello?”

Me: “Hello, sir! Thank you for calling–“

Customer: “Ugh, hello?! Do you speak English?”

Me: *taken aback* “Um, yes, sir, I do-“

Customer: “Stupid girl, transfer me to someone who speaks English!”

Me: “Sir, I assure you that I am speaking English—”

Customer: “Transfer me to someone who doesn’t have a Chinese accent! D*** Asians.”

Me: “Uh… you… what?”

Customer: “TRANSFER ME TO SOMEONE WHO AIN’T CHINESE.”

Me: *fed up and seriously confused* “Yes, sir, please hold.” *transfers him to the Spanish-speaking line*

Non-Stick Means They’re Easy To Pull Up

, , , , | | Right | June 28, 2019

(Very worried about my husband getting a motorcycle, I go shopping for protective gear.)

Me: “Excuse me, do you have Teflon-coated pants?”

Shop Assistant: *slightest pause* “Certainly, right this way.”

(It wasn’t until afterward that I realised what I said. He kindly sold me Kevlar pants without batting an eyelid or making a frying pan joke, and I’m sure was laughing afterward. It was a pointless purchase, anyway. The bike landed on his knee and smashed the top of his tibia. Day one. Not even on the road. Oh, well.)

Context Is Everything

, , , , , , | | Related | June 26, 2019

(My eight-year-old sister and I are playing with some action figures I have where you can take the armor off, leaving only a skeleton-like figure. She wants to play with an armor-less one, and she comes up with this gem.)

Sister: “Can I play with the naked man?”

Cretins Probably Taste Terrible

, , , , | | Related | June 25, 2019

(My mother and I are having a salad. We’re chatting, happily munching, and she glances around the kitchen. She suddenly exclaims…)

Mom: “Cretins! We ought to have some cretins!”

Me: “Wait… What?!”

(She pulled down a box of CROUTONS from the top of the fridge. This isn’t the weirdest thing she’s mispronounced jokingly, but boy was it unexpected! They were really good cretins.)