Having A Light-Bowb Moment

, , , , | Right | October 4, 2018

(The hardware store where I work is in a large Asian immigrant community, and while the younger generations often speak fluent English, the older generations often don’t. Sometimes this can cause problems, but usually we find a way to work through it. Sadly, though, we only have two or three bilingual associates who can translate. I’m working in the lighting department, organizing light bulbs, when a little, old, Asian guy walks up to me and shouts in a thick accent:)

Customer: “BOWB!”

Me: “Excuse me?”

Customer: “BOWB!”

Me: *assuming he means “lightbulb”* “Okay, what kind of bulb?”

Customer: “BOWB!”

Me: “Okay, sir, what kind of bulb?”

Customer: *frustratedly* “BOWB!”

Me: “Um… Do you have an old bulb?”

(I’m frantically looking for someone who can translate and coming up blank.)

Customer: *frustratedly* “BOWB!”

Me: “Sir, I—”

Customer: *now livid* “BOWB!”

Me: “I under—”

Customer: *practically trembling with frustration and anger* “BOOOOWB!”

(At this point, he finally grabs something from his pocket and shakes it under my face. Turns out it’s the old bulb, all right. Unfortunately, his grip on the thing is weak, and it goes sailing past me to shatter on the ground. I stare at it for a second, and then back at him, because that wasn’t exactly expected.)

Customer: *in a tone like someone just kicked his puppy* “Bowb…”

(The poor guy looks just so crestfallen that I pick through the shards, pull out the metal base with a wattage rating, and manage to line it up with a replacement. And of course, as he leaves, in a cheerful tone now…)

Customer: “BOWB!”

(To this day, my coworkers tease me about it by saying, “BOWB!”)

I’m A Complete Lesbozionist

, , , , , , , | Related | October 4, 2018

(It’s my 18th birthday party, just after I’ve officially come out of the closet to my family. It is snowing outside, which means the rest of my family is surprised when my grandfather and step-grandmother arrive, as they NEVER go out in the snow. It soon becomes apparent why when my step-grandmother asks to speak to me in private. She tells me that she and my grandfather heard about my “decision” and she wants me to reconsider. She and I have never been even a little bit close, but I make the mistake of humoring her for over an hour. She tells me about how hard it was for her to have a lesbian daughter, and how wonderful it was when she then came back to the Mormon church.)

Step-Grandmother: “And I had to work very hard to speak frankly with my daughter about her… um… lesbozism.”

(Suddenly it felt like my soul had left my body as I contemplated the word “lesbozism” until she stopped talking. Needless to say, she didn’t convince me, and years later my friends and I still speak of “lesbozism,” and its practitioners, “lesbozoos.”)

So Thtupid

, , , , | Learning | October 4, 2018

(I am Mexican, but this happens when I am studying in China. We meet a few Chinese people who are learning Spanish. However, they are taught that the only correct Spanish is the dialect that comes from Spain. In Spanish from Spain, the letter Z is pronounced close to English “th,” while in Latin America it’s pronounced like an S.)

Me: “Quiero comprar unos zapatos.” *I want to buy shoes.*

Chinese Girl: “Oh… You’re saying it wrong. It should be ‘thapatos,’ not ‘sapatos.’”

Me: “Well, in Mex–”

Chinese Girl: “You have to learn how to speak proper Spanish.”

Me: “You do realize I’m a native speaker, right? You’re actually trying to correct the way I speak my own language.”

(She just blushed and pointed to where I could buy a pair of shoes.)

No Foreigners Are Allowed In Fictional Fantasy Worlds!

, , , , , , | Friendly | October 3, 2018

I’m playing a phone game where you can create a “guild.” Aside from the group chat, there really isn’t much interaction. You each set up a team of your own warriors to fight the boss, and you “collaborate” by each being able to attack the boss twice over 24 hours. The boss doesn’t heal, but it also doesn’t give out a reward until it is dead. Everyone who fights gets a reward, but whoever does the most damage to the boss gets the highest one.

In most of these guilds, the members don’t even speak the same language. The game doesn’t have servers by country. The guilds show up and dissolve without much reason. People get kicked from them if they’re inactive, if they’re doing too much damage and the leader’s jealous, or if the guild is full and the leader’s friends want a slot. It’s not a very social or coherent thing.

I’ve joined the latest guild, and I actually speak the leader’s language — English! As per usual, the group chat is empty except a reminder to fight the boss and upgrade your team. We get some Spanish-only speakers, who I can understand but the leader can’t.

About a week later, the leader quits and gives the guild to one of the Spanish speakers. The new guild description says this:

“I quit because there are too many foreigners here!”

The Spanish speaker leaves that up, and says (translated):

“Hi, everyone! I was appointed guild leader. Let’s all have fun!”

I’m still not sure if I should tell them.

Making No Concessions About The Language They Use

, , , , , | Right | October 2, 2018

(I worked in a movie theater all through high school and most days we got complaints about the prices of our concessions. This however, was the craziest thing anyone said about it.)

Me: “How can I help you?”

Lady: “You guys rape people with your prices.” *walks away*

(Well, that escalated quickly.)

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