What The Duck?

, , , , , | Learning | July 28, 2018

(My teacher momentarily leaves the classroom during a book reading and as expected, the class descends into child-anarchy for five minutes. Just conversations about TV shows and whatnot, but one boy sitting next to me is reenacting a scene, instead. He is yelling all the lines exaggeratedly, and even laughs in the place of the laugh-track used in sitcoms. I am not very social and don’t feel a need to talk to anyone purely because the teacher is absent for a few minutes. I am actually trying to finish the story we have been reading, but the boy next to me is making it impossible. While mustering the courage to ask him to quiet down, I am debating whether to ask politely or try and assert dominance: “Can you be quiet?” or “Just shut up!” What comes out instead is:)

Me: “Can you just quuck up?!”

(The surrounding kids that heard me went silent before bursting out into even louder laughter.)

Loud Boy: *laughs* “Sure, I can quack up! QUACK QUACK QUACK!”

(I groaned in shame and put my head down until the teacher came back. The next month was spent with me feeling humiliated while being taunted with “quack” jokes for my word fumble. Like other moments during that age, it was either quickly forgotten about or turned into a fond memory I learned to laugh at myself for.)

Keeping It Professional In The World’s Oldest Profession

, , , , | Friendly | July 27, 2018

(My friends and I are discussing an establishment that is rumoured to be a brothel, and someone mentions there is one in the town some of them grew up in. For context, we are all Christians from Christian family backgrounds.)

Friend #1: “Yeah, I’m not actually sure where it is, though.”

Friend #2: *who is particularly sassy and worldly* “Hey, [Friend #3], your mum knows where the brothel is!”

(We all stare at [Friend #2] as she realises how it sounded.)

Friend #2: *quickly back-pedalling* “She mentioned that her women’s group has done outreach there!”

(It’s still one of the sassiest “your mum” jokes I’ve ever heard.)

Must Be A Very Artsy Play

, , , , | Working | July 26, 2018

(I work in a theater. Before the show, a bunch of us are in the production office. One of the administrators comes by. They’re doing readings of plays in the theatre this week.)

Assistant Stage Manager: “What play are they reading tonight?”

Administrator:Discharge.

(Everyone looks uncomfortable.)

Me: *jacked up on coffee* “That’s… unpleasant.”

Administrator: “Oh! No, it’s about military discharge.”

Coworker #1: “Oh! Yeah, that’s where my mind went, too.”

Coworker #2: “Same.”

Coworker #3: *nods*

Administrator: “I can see why you would think that, now that I think about it. I just have more context than you guys do.”

What Books Have They Been Redding?

, , , , , , | Working | July 26, 2018

(I work in IT. I am on a call with an intern who needs a laptop sent down to her. She is giving me the address of her office, as it is not classed as a head office, and therefore is not on our directory.)

Intern: *giving address* “It’s [Number], [Street], the town of Reading.”

(She pronounces it as though you were “reading” a book. I repeat the address back, saying Reading as you are meant to say it, with the “read” being pronounced like “red.”)

Intern: “Uh, no, it’s ‘reading.’ Get it right or it won’t get here.”

Me: “I know it’s spelt, ‘reading,’ but it is pronounced with a ‘red’ instead of ‘read.’ It won’t really matter, as the postcode should tell the courier where it needs to go.”

Intern: “JUST GET IT RIGHT. I’M NOT BEING PUNISHED FOR YOUR STUPIDITY!” *slams the phone down*

(Ignoring the outburst, I send the laptop down. I included Reading in the address, and I received confirmation that it was received and signed for. The intern left six months later and the laptop was returned. When I opened the laptop, I found an entire Wikipedia article printed out and squished between the monitor and keyboard. The article was for a city in California called Redding, with a sticky note telling me to “learn my geography.” I had a good laugh over it with the rest of the department.)

Usually It Means The Opposite

, , , , | Learning | July 23, 2018

(At church camp one year, I’m a small group leader for the fourth- and fifth-grade girls. We get paired up with the boys for crafts and games. One day, when we’re doing the craft, this happens. They’re making something with beads, and each color represents something.)

Craft Leader: *holds up white bead* “Who knows what white stands for?”

Kids: “Purity.”

Craft Leader: “Does anyone know what purity means?”

Boy: “Is that when your start to grow hair, and your body starts changing and stuff?”

(Cue every adult in the room trying not to laugh.)

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