What Kind Of Treatments Has He Been Getting?!

, , , , , , , | Right | January 30, 2019

(I am working in the pharmacy section when an older gentleman approaches me.)

Customer: “Excuse me, but where are your vibrators?”

Me: “I can take you there if you just want to follow me.”

(I take him to the aisle where we also keep condoms, lube, etc. He appears incredibly flustered.)

Customer: “No, not these vibrators… Ones for your muscles!”

Me: “Well, first of all, those are called massagers, and they are going to be over in the domestics area.”

“Hamburger,” The First Word You Learn In American

, , , , | Right | January 30, 2019

(I work at a popular coffee chain in Canada. This happens in the drive-thru.)

Me: “Hi! Welcome to [Store]! What can I get for you?”

Customer: *in broken English, with a thick accent* “Hamburger!”

Me: “I’m sorry?”

Customer: “Hamburger!”

Me: “I’m sorry, but we don’t carry hamburgers here.”

Customer: “HAMBURGER!”

Me: “We don’t have hamburgers. Would you like to try a steak and cheese panini, or a turkey club, or a ham and swiss, or—“

Customer: “No. No! Hamburger! HAMBURGER!”

Me: *getting a little desperate* “Crispy chicken?”

Customer: “Yes! Yes! Hamburger!”

Me: “Okay! Anything else?”

Customer: “Fries!”

(I should’ve left it at the sandwich.)

A Sign It Isn’t Going To Work

, , , , , | Right | January 27, 2019

(Our town has a school for the deaf, so we get a lot of deaf customers in the store. I don’t know sign language. This evening we get a regular deaf customer but this is my first experience with him. He makes it clear to me that he’s deaf, so I start to try and take his order by pantomiming what I’m asking for. I ask him what he would like to drink, and he then proceeds to point at the word “tea” on the menu. We have sweet or unsweet tea. I proceed to ask him whether he wants sweet or unsweet, but he keeps pointing at the word “tea.” I decide to get him a sweet tea because that’s the most popular among our guests. When I deliver his drink, he takes a big gulp and starts making a disgusted grunting sound, and continues to point at the word “Tea.” I decide to bring out an unsweet tea and he seemed happy about it. His drink order took about a half an hour. For ordering his food, he points at the word “hamburger steak”, which is basically a hamburger patty with nothing on it. I proceed to try and ask him how he wants it cooked, but he just doesn’t understand what I’m saying. One of my coworkers, who is legally deaf, decides to try and help me take his order by signing to him. She proceeds to try and take his order for about ten minutes: she’s finally successful.)

Coworker: “He wants a hamburger steak, medium rare, with a side of greens and mashed potatoes.”

Me: “Why did that take so long?”

Coworker: “This guy seems like he knows sign language, but everything he signed to me was just gibberish.”

(After I delivered his food to him, he was pretty self-sufficient. The only downside was that he nursed his drink and his food and sat at that table for almost five hours total.)

Gangbangers Have To Use The Overflow Parking

, , , , | Romantic | January 27, 2019

(My husband and I took our nine-month-old daughter to the doctor’s for her booster flu shot. We drive into a spot that’s labeled “patron parking,” and my husband observes something to the effect of:)

Husband: “Yep, we’re allowed to park here.”

(I turn and get out of the car, while telling him:)

Me: “The label is probably for game days; the lot is rather close to the [Local College Stadium].”

(He gives me a funny look, and comes around to get the baby out of the car.)

Husband: “What did you say the label was for?”

Me: “Game days!”

Husband: *a massive look of relief rests on his face* “Oh, good. I thought you said they were for GANGBANGS.”

(I was laughing so hard that I barely made it to the building in a straight line.)

Ballet Is A High Form Of Art

, , | Learning | January 27, 2019

(I teach ballet. At this class, I have been talking to my class about the importance of being “high on your leg”: lengthening your hip joints so that your legs can easily move in and out.)

Me: “… but if you’re sinking down in your hip, it will be a lot harder to move your legs.” *I demonstrate* “So you want to make sure that you are always high.”

(A student snickers, and I realize what I’ve just said.)

Me: “On your leg! High on your leg! DO NOT come into my class high on drugs!”

(We all had a good laugh at that one. It’s now a running joke:)

Me: “What is my rule?”

Class: “Be high, but don’t be high!”

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