I Swear, The Mouths On These Employees…

, , , , , | Working | June 24, 2020

I’m shopping at a twenty-four-hour grocery store pretty late at night. I’m browsing the aisles when I overhear this gem.

Customer: “Excuse me, are you in charge here?! That employee over there just swore at me!”

Employee: “The f*** did that b**** say now?!”

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Bad Grammar Is Incredibly Offensive!

, , , , , | Related | June 22, 2020

When I am a kid, my extended family gets together to watch sporting events on TV. One night, we’re watching a basketball game when the officiating crew makes a terrible call. My cousin, age eight, is irate.

Cousin: “Them b******s!”

There is a collective gasp at hearing a kid swear so loudly. My aunt opens her mouth to chastise him, but my grandmother beats her to it.

Grandmother: “[Cousin]! How dare you?! You know better than that!”

Cousin: “I’m sorry!”

Grandmother: “How many times am I going to have to tell you? It’s not ‘THEM B******S,’ it’s ‘THOSE B******S’!”

Ladies and gentlemen, my grandma, the English teacher.

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Getting It All In Español, Part 4

, , , , | Right | June 22, 2020

My wife and I are on a coach tour in Spain. We are at the bar in our hotel for the night in a town that is a bit off of the beaten track. My Spanish isn’t very good but I know a few words. 

Another member of the tour is ordering at the bar. This member has been a bit loud and obnoxious.

Tourist: “Can I have two beers?”

The barman answers in Spanish. My Spanish isn’t good but I work out that he’s saying something about not speaking English.

Tourist: “I don’t understand Spanish. Can I have two beers?”

The barman repeats what he previously said.

Me: *To the tourist* “I think he’s saying that he doesn’t understand English.”

Tourist: *To me* “Oh, okay.”

The tourist turns to the barman, in English, but putting on a Spanish accent.

Tourist: “TWO… BEERS… PLEASE!”

The barman repeats what he previously said, again.

Me: *To the tourist* “To ask for two beers in Spanish, you need to say—”

Tourist: *Cutting me off* “Oh, we haven’t got time to learn a different language!”

The tourist storms off. I turn to the barman and speak in broken Spanish.

Me: “One coffee and one beer, please.”

Barman: *In perfect English* “One coffee and one beer coming up. Is there anything else?”

I just burst into fits of laughter and bought the barman a drink.

Getting It All In Español, Part 3
Getting It All In Español, Part 2
Getting It All In Español

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Sounds Stellar

, , , , , | Working | June 19, 2020

I’m getting ready to fly to a graduate program interview, and I’m using a self-check-in kiosk. I print my tickets with no issues, but then I notice that my first name is misspelled on my ticket; there is an S at the end of my name that shouldn’t be there. I flag down an employee and ask them to help me out.

Employee: “Well, this shouldn’t be too much of a problem to change. I’m sorry for the inconvenience.”

Me: “It’s no problem. I probably hit an extra key while making the reservation.”

Employee: “Can I see your ID?”

As I go to hand the employee my ID, I see my full name and I realize where the letter came from: my middle initial starts with S.

Me: “Oh… I just figured out where the extra S is from. That’s my middle initial, isn’t it?”

Employee: “You know, this is a common complaint we get. You’d think I’d know by now to tell customers and not have to look it up.”

Me: “Forget this ever happened?”

Employee: “Deal.”

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Has No One Heard Of Lady Marmalade?

, , , , | Friendly | June 18, 2020

French Tourist: “Aidez-moi, s’il vous plaît.” (Help me, please.)

I help him with directions.

Friend: “Was that French?”

Me: “Yep.”

My friend tries to tell the tourist, “Nice to meet you.”

Friend: “Voulez-vous coucher avec moi?” (Would you like to sleep with me?)

The tourist and I just stared at my friend.

It turned out that someone had told my friend that meant, “Nice to meet you,” in French. After realizing that, we all shared a good laugh.

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