How Overgrown Is That Carpet?

, , , , , | Romantic | October 7, 2018

(My husband and I have been having trouble with a particular appliance lately. I told my husband that I would ask my mother what brand she uses so we can get a good replacement.)

Husband: “Oh, have you asked your mom about those… rug mowers?”

Me: *very confused* “Rug mowers?”

Husband: “You know… vacuum cleaners!”

(We both had a good laugh at his temporary verbal lapse.)

In Soviet Russia, Mother Translates You!

, , , , | Related | October 7, 2018

(I am on holiday with my parents. To enter many tourist places in Moscow, you have to go through metal detectors and a bag check. My first language is English but I can understand some Russian. However, I struggle if it’s spoken quickly. My mother, who is fluent, has gone through the detector. The guard says something quickly to me, which I don’t catch. I look at my mum for help, so she comes over.)

Mum: “Put your bag on the table and walk through.”

(The guard looks confused as I place the bag on the table and walk through the detector. The guard says something else, and I glance at my mum again.)

Mum: “Take the bag.”

(I do so. The guard frowns but says something else.)

Mum: “Open it.”

(I open the bag. The guard, still looking really confused, checks it and nods to indicate I can go. It is at this moment that I realise why the guard is so confused.)

Me: *in English* “Mum, thanks for translating all of his instructions into Russian for me.”

Mum: “Wait, did I really?”

(The guard apparently understood some English because at this point, he looked at us and laughed before returning to checking the next person.)

Totally Hammered

, , , | Right | October 7, 2018

(I am the idiot customer in this story, with my habit of speaking before thinking. It’s 8:30 pm and I’m doing some maintenance to my motorcycle — affectionately known as “my girlfriend” as my husband jokes I’m cheating on him with her — and I can’t find my hammer ANYWHERE, and I need it to use an impact driver. A local DIY shop is still open so I decide to run out and buy a new one. I’m dressed in very baggy jeans, stompy boots, and a hoodie with the hood up as it’s a little chilly. Basically I look like a tiny thug. I’m also a bit grumpy at having to go out.)

Me: *marches up to checkout, swinging hammer and looking mildly annoyed* “Just this, please.”

Checkout Guy: *looks unnerved* “Late night DIY?” *nervous chuckle*

Me: *not thinking* “Nah, going home to beat the s*** out of my girlfriend.”

Checkout Guy: *blinks, looks terrified* “Erm…”

Me: *realises what I just said* “My motorbike! I call her my girlfriend! Not an actual girlfriend!”

(The checkout guy rang me up in stunned silence. I legged it out of the shop and hoped no one would call the police. My husband cracked up when I got home and told him about it… Oops!)

Pardon My English French

, , , | Right | October 5, 2018

(I am traveling with my family on one of those whirlwind trips through Europe. I took a French class last summer, so when we are in France I am in charge of communication. We are at a cafe near our hotel where we are trying to get supper. This is my first attempt:)

Me: “Parlez vous anglais?”

Cashier: *questioning look*

Me: *more hesitantly* “Parlez vous anglais?”

Cashier: *blank stare*

Me: “Parlez vous English?”

Cashier: *with bright look and in perfect English* “Oh, you mean English!”

(I blush as everyone else laughs.)

Whipping Them Into Understanding

, , , , | Right | October 5, 2018

(I work as the dairy manager for a large grocery store chain. The following is an encounter with an older customer who has been shopping there for years.)

Customer: “Excuse me. Can you tell me where the whipped cream is?”

Me: “I’ll do one better; I’ll show you. That way I’ll know you’ve found it.”

(This is typical retail protocol.)

Customer: *after walking her to the whipped cream* “No, this isn’t right. I can’t cook with this stuff.”

Me: “Did you mean whipp-ing cream?”

Customer: *looks and sounds irritated with me* “Whipped cream, whipping cream, whatever.”

(She grabbed her whipp-ING cream and walked away. I’ve seen her since, but she doesn’t speak to me.)

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