The Thing On The River Thing

, , , , | Friendly | March 13, 2018

(I have a friend in high school who isn’t the best communicator. When playing guessing games she uses the “hopeful telepathy” method.)

Friend: *obviously trying to beam the right words at us through sheer concentration* “Well, it’s a thing that things in a thing…”

(One time we are leafing through the TV Guide together and find they are showing “Bridge on the River Kwai,” which she has seen and I haven’t.)

Me: “What’s it about?”

Friend: “Well, it’s this bridge, and—” *pointing at actors in the picture* “—he gets killed, and he gets killed, and he gets killed…”

(She didn’t quite sell me on it!)

Going GaGa Over Your Abbreviations

, , , , , | Related | March 13, 2018

(I am helping my dad read the password for internet access off of the back of his router.)


Dad: “Slow down. Read it back to me like, ‘S as in “Sandwich,”’ and if there’s a number, ‘number four.’”

Me: “Okay. S as in ‘Sacrifice,’ Z as in ‘Zipper,’ number eight, G as in ‘Gladiator,’ L as in ‘Lagomorph,’ S as in ‘Salamander,’ number four, WRT as in ‘Wart’ without the vowel…”

Dad: “Hold it! So, W as in ‘Water,’ R as in ‘Rabbit,’ and T as in ‘Tarantula’?”

Me: “Yes. GA as in the chemical symbol for Gallium, and DM as in the abbreviation for Dungeon Master.”

Dad: *giving me an exasperated look* “So, that’s S as in ‘Silly,’ Z as in ‘Zany,’ number eight, G as in ‘Goofy,’ L as in ‘Loony,’ S as in ‘Silly,’ number four, W as in ‘Wacky,’ R as in ‘Ridiculous,’ T as in ‘Tiny,’ D as in ‘Daft,’ and M as in ‘Moronic’?”

Me: *smirking* “What? You didn’t like my method of reading back the password? I can’t be the only one who knows that Ga is the chemical symbol for Gallium.”

Dad: *dryly* “I still don’t know that Ga is the chemical symbol for Gallium.”

Totally Estúpido! Part 4

, , , | Right | March 13, 2018

(I work at a TV station, and I am answering the Closed Captioning issues phone.)

Me: “Hello, Master Control.”

Viewer: “Why aren’t the captions in English?”

(I check the closed captioning against the dialogue being spoken.)

Me: “Oh, the captioning is in Spanish because they’re speaking Spanish.”

Viewer: “Well, why isn’t it translating it into English?”

Me: “That’s not what closed captioning is for. It’s for the deaf.”

Viewer: “Well, can’t you make it be in English?”

Me: “No, I can’t. Again, that’s not what captioning is for. It’s so the deaf—”

Viewer: “F***ers.” *click*

Totally Estupido, Part 3
Totally Estupido, Part 2
Totally Estupido

A Three-Rubel Bill

, , , , | Right | March 13, 2018

(My coworker and I are working a Saturday morning shift and are the only two people on duty. During a slow time, a customer we both recognize and dread walks in. He has been in here before and is known for bizarre and rude behavior. He also frequently rides the local bus system and harasses other passengers. Needless to say, we are not happy to see him. As he barks out an order for coffee, he makes small talk that gets more wild as it goes on. Note: my coworker is still in high school, and is taking AP Spanish.)

Coworker: “That’ll be two dollars for the coffee.”

Customer: “You take two-dollar bills?”

Coworker: “Yep, we do.”

Customer: *taking two one-dollar bills from his wallet* “You take three-dollar bills?”

Coworker: “I don’t think so, no.”

Me: “I don’t think there is such a thing as a three-dollar bill.”

Customer: “Well, there is. I used to work for the Philadelphia Mint. I know all about all kinds of money.”

Coworker: “Really? That’s interesting.”

Customer: “Yeah. I worked for the CIA, too. And at the Hague. And in Russia. I can speak all kinds of languages.”

Coworker: “You don’t say.”

Customer: “I speak Russian.” *fires off a rapid sequence of words that sounds vaguely Slavic* “You speak Russian?”

Coworker: “I don’t, no.”

Customer: *narrows eyes and speaks fiercely* “That’s because your parents didn’t paddle you when you were a child!”

(He takes his coffee and leaves abruptly, while my coworker and I are left amazed.)

Me: “Uh. Did you get paddled as a child?”

Coworker: “Nope, not really. I got punished in other ways.”

Me: “Well, that must be why you speak Spanish.”

(We still laugh about this weird guy and his startling method of learning Russian!)

This Pot Is Handed Down From Generation To Generation

, , , | Working | March 12, 2018

(I’m talking to [Coworker #1] about a recent road trip I took, and [Coworker #2] walks by mid-conversation. My coworkers tend to see me as a goody two-shoes, mostly because I can’t drink due to a medical condition.)

Me: “So, when I stopped, the pot fell out of the back of my car, and—”

Coworker #2: “Whoa, whoa, whoa! What?”

Me: *realizing how that sounded* “Oh! No, it was my grandma’s pot.”

Coworker #2: *gaping in shock*

Me: “I’m really not making this any better, am I?”

Coworker #1: “No, you’re not, honey.”

Me: “What I meant to say was that the hand-me-down saucepan from my grandma fell out of the back of my trunk, because things shifted around during the drive, and it broke.”

Coworker #2: “Oh, that makes so much more sense! I can’t even imagine you smoking pot.”

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