The Fahrt Jokes Are Back

, , , , , | | Related | May 10, 2019

(Mom has never been outside the US in her life. We pick her up in Frankfurt and head out on the Autobahn back to Wurzburg. As we are going along, she starts noticing the signs, “Ausfahrt” and “Einfahrt,” at the side of the road. She asks her dutiful son:)

Mom: “What do those signs mean?

Me: “Well, Mom, ‘Einfahrt’ means you can only fart once. ‘Ausfahrt’ means you can fart all you want!”

(Twenty silent miles go past as she mulls that over.:)

Mom: “These people are nasty!

(My wife can’t stand it me pranking her.)

Wife: “Don’t listen to that fool. Those words mean ‘exit’ and ‘entrance.’”

(Mom looks at her, looks at me, and then exclaims:)

Mom: “These people aren’t nasty; it’s my own darned son that’s nasty!”

Reading Into The Sad State Of The Film Scene

, , , , , | | Right | May 9, 2019

(I’m buying a movie ticket.)

Me: “One for Pan’s Labyrinth.”

Attendant: “Ma’am, are you aware that this movie is in Spanish and subtitled throughout?”

Me: “Yes.” *pause* “Why? Have you had complaints?”

Attendant: *nods slowly* “Oh, yes.”

Sleeping On The Job

, , , , , | Working | May 8, 2019

(When I first start working at a call center taking incoming client calls, I have a pretty typical “script” of how I answer the phone. We have to thank the client for calling and give our name and some sort of pleasantry while also obtaining their name. I always opt for, “Whom do I have the pleasure of speaking with?” One day during my shift I start getting tired and doodling on my paper, writing the words, “I’m sleepy.” As I’m doing this, a call comes through.)

Me: “Thank you for calling [Company]. This is [My Name] speaking. Whom do I have the pleasure of sleeping… speaking with?”

(Luckily for me, I don’t think the client heard, and the rest of the conversation continued as normal. My coworkers wouldn’t let me live that one down for weeks!)

It Takes Poo To Pango

, , , , | | Right | May 7, 2019

(I am working with a customer over the phone and she gives me a discount code to use on her order. She is speaking both quietly and very fast when she reads it off, so I try to confirm the code with her.)

Me: “Was the first letter in that code T as in ‘tango’?”

Customer: “What?”

Me: *speaking a little louder on the assumption she couldn’t hear me very well, although there is no background noise coming through* “Was the first letter T as in ‘tango’?

Customer: “What? I don’t understand what you’re asking.”

Me: “The first letter of your code. Was it T as in ‘Thomas’?”

Customer: “Oh, yes, T as in ‘Thomas.’”

(I confirm the rest of the code, but it does not work.)

Me: “I’m sorry, that code isn’t working. Do you still have the email with the code?”

Customer: “Yes, it’s right in front of me. Let me read it to you again. P as in ‘Peter’…” *continues with the rest of the code, which matches what she gave previously*

(The corrected code worked, but I wondered for the rest of the day if she thought Pango and Pomas were actually words. She had absolutely no accent, so it’s not that she wasn’t fluent in English.)

We’re Sure Magic Mike Tastes Just Fine, Too

, , , , , | | Right | May 3, 2019

(I work in a confectionery store, and in no way do we sell anything to do with “Magic Mike.” An older man has come into the store with a look of determination. He turns this way and that until he throws his arms up and approaches me.)

Customer: “Hey…” *thinks for a moment* “Magic Mike! They’re just so delicious I can’t stop craving them.”

Me: *cough* “I’m sorry?”

Customer: “Magic Mikes, do you have them?”

Me: “Magic Mike… I… What? I’m sorry?”

Customer: “Oh, come on! I’ve been thinking about them all week; please don’t tell me they’re not here.”

Me: “I’m sorry, are you sure they’re called Magic Mikes?”

Customer: “Yeah, of course, they’re called Mag—“ *sudden realisation* “Oh… Mike and Ikes… Yeah… I’m after Mike and Ikes.”

Me: “That I can get you; I agree they are delicious!”

Customer: “Heh… yeah…”

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