Can’t Claw That Back

, , , | Working | July 31, 2018

(Two elderly ladies are browsing the assorted jewellery in a display cabinet on the counter.)

Me: “If there’s anything you want to look at, just ask.”

Customer #1: “Yes, can we see that pink brooch at the back?”

Me: “Certainly.”

(I get the brooch out and hand it over; it’s an enamelled brooch in the shape of a crab.)

Me: “There you go.”

Customer #2: “It’s a crab.”

Me: “Well, we are a seaside town.”

Customer #1: “Ah, it must be for the star-sign Cancer.”

Me: “That works, too.”

Customer #2: “You could get it for [Relative]; she’s a Cancer.”

Me: “So’s my wife.”

Customer #1: “Oh?”

Me: “And, come to think of it, so were three previous girlfriends.”

Customer #2: “Really?”

Me: “Yes. How come I always get the crabs?”

(Pause.)

Me: “Ahem, perhaps I could have phrased that better.”

Customer #1: “Yes, perhaps you could have!”

(Fortunately, they both then burst out laughing. At least they bought the brooch.)

Balls To The Walls Confusion

, , , , , | Right | July 31, 2018

(I’m the idiot in this story. I am in a store that sells exercise equipment. I am having trouble finding a particular item, so I track down an employee and ask for help.)

What I Should Say: “Excuse me, sir, I would like to know if you sell yoga balls. I can’t seem to find them.”

(What actually happens:)

Me: “Hey… uh… Do you have balls?”

Employee: “Excuse me?”

Me: “Do you have big balls? I want giant balls.”

Employee: “Uh… I don’t think I can help you with that.”

Me: *thinking I was being very clear* “Okay, thanks, anyway.”

(I left the store and didn’t realize what I had said until I was almost home.)

The Emailing Dead

, , , , , | Working | July 30, 2018

(Everyone in the team uses the same shared email account, so when a new message arrives with a request that needs handling, the first person who opens it is supposed to deal with it. If we open something by mistake, or it’s a more serious issue and we decide we don’t have the time, the knowledge, or the authority to handle it, we are supposed to mark it as unread. I receive a message from my coworker.)

Coworker: “Oh, my God! I opened this email about [some complicated issue], and I have no idea what it even means. What am I supposed to do with it?”

Me: “No big deal. Either ask someone to show you what to do, or leave it for someone else.”

What I mean to type next: “Just mark it as unread.”

What I actually type: “Just mark it as undead.”

Me: *three seconds later, realizing what I sent* “I’m coming over with the holy water.”

(I walked over to there a minute later to find her giggling uncontrollably.)

Got Some Snazzmatazz

, , , , , , | Working | July 29, 2018

(My manager has just come up to my desk at work. I’m 17, although have a few very high-up responsibilities that make much of the management staff view me as an adult.)

Manager: “Once you have finished all of the empty packaging write-offs, give me a ring and I’ll give you your gift card from head office.”

Me: “Oh, snazzy! Thanks, I won’t be too much longer with these.”

(The manager then smiles, and begins to walk away. Suddenly, his face screws up slightly, and he turns back to face me.)

Manager: “Did you just say, ‘snazzy’? I love that word!”

Me: “It is my favourite word; I say it a little too often.”

Manager: “It’s my favourite word, too, now. Thank you!”

(He then smiles again and leaves. Later, I go to collect the gift card from his office:)

Manager: “I think it’s only $10, but hey, I’m not complaining about free money.”

Me: *absentmindedly* “Yeah, snazzy. Thank you! See you tomorrow.”

(I then realise I said, “snazzy,” yet again in his presence, and I probably sound childish.)

Me: “Oh, sorry. I really need to stop saying, ‘snazzy.’”

Manager: “No, never stop. Keep being you, and rock the word ‘snazzy,’ darl’.”

(Now, whenever I say, ‘snazzy,’ I think of this exchange!)

The Man From Uncle

, , , , | Related | July 28, 2018

(My mother’s side of the family is having our first big reunion in years. In many East Asian cultures, you don’t call older relatives by name; there are specific titles for specific relationships.)

Cousin: *talking about mum’s older brother* “Because I’m half white and all American, I didn’t realise Tua Ku’s name wasn’t Tua Ku until I was, like, eighteen…”

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