Sticky First Dates

, , | Right | July 9, 2009

Customer: “Excuse me, but I’m looking for your rubber semen.”

Me: “Excuse me?!”

Customer: “You heard right! I need rubber semen.”

Me: “Um… I’m not entirely sure we carry that here.”

Customer: “Well, if you have it, it would be over by the glue.”

Me: “Oh! You meant rubber cement!”

Customer: “What did you think I meant?”

Me: “…Semen.”

Customer: “Oh, no… we wouldn’t be talking about that until we’ve gone out a couple times.”

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A Tale of Two Poultries, Two Meanings, And Two Hands

, , , , | Right | July 7, 2009

(It’s almost closing time at the supermarket deli. Two hot chickens are left and have been reduced to half price.)

Customer #1: “Can I please get the last two chickens?”

(As I’m getting the chickens, another customer rushes up to the deli counter.)

Customer #2: “Excuse me. I was here first, before, and I wanted one of those chickens.”

Me: “Sorry… when I looked up, there was only one customer.”

Customer #2: “You had your head down before.”

Me: “Well, I’m sorry. They’ve been sold to this man, as he was the only customer here. Unless he’d like to let you have one?”

Customer #1: “No, I’d like them both, thanks.”

Customer #2: “I hope you choke on that chicken!” *storms out*

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Always Right, Even When Making A Nation Of 130 Million Vanish

, , | Right | June 17, 2009

Caller: “I need a provider who can speak Spanish.”

Coworker: “Okay, we can find one for you.”

Caller: “Really? What if I wanted a provider who spoke Japanese?”

Coworker: “No problem, we have those.”

Caller: “Really? You have providers who speak Japanese?”

Coworker: “Yes.”

Caller: “But Japanese don’t exist!”

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Going For Broke With The Gouda

, , | Right | June 12, 2009

Me: *on the phone* “[Pizza Place]. Will this be for delivery or carry-out?”

Caller: “Delivery.”

(We go through the order, and we come to the toppings.)

Caller: “Yeah, a supreme pizza. And make sure the toppings aren’t cheesy!”

Me: “You don’t want cheese on them?”

Caller: “No! I said I don’t want them to be cheesy!”

Me: “Um, our toppings are of good quality…”

Caller: “I’m sure they are, but I don’t want them cheesy! CHEESY!”

(I hear a kid’s voice in the background.)

Caller: “Oh, my eight-year-old says to say, ‘don’t hold back on the toppings.’ You understand that?”

Me: “Oh… yes, I understand now.”

Caller: “Good. Don’t be cheesy.”

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A Lesson In Latte Linguistics

, | Right | June 10, 2009

Customer: “I’d like a GRAHN-DAY coffee. ”

Me: “Anything else, sir?”

Customer: “This isn’t a grande!”

Me: “You’re ordering using our competitor’s terms, sir. Their grande is our medium.”

Customer: “Grande! Grande! BIG! Don’t you speak Spanish?!”

Me:Sí, senor, hablo español. ¿Quiere algo más?”

Customer: “Huh?”

Me: “Didn’t you just ask if I spoke Spanish?”

Customer: “Whatever!” *pays for coffee and leaves*

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