Bad Reception, Worse Misperceptions

, , | Right | September 9, 2009

Me: “Thank you for calling. How can I help you today?”

Customer: *thick accent* “I have problem with cell phone.”

Me: “Okay, sir, I’m sure I can help you with that. It looks like we’re going to have to re-set your connection. I need you to type in the following series of numbers, followed by the pound key.”

(I hear a distinct whacking sound in the background.)

Me: “Sir? What are you doing?”

Customer: “You say pound phone. I pound on table. Pieces fly off!”

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Appease The Portuguese

, , , , , | Right | September 7, 2009

(Many South African liquor stores are owned by Portuguese people.)

Customer: “Obrigado!”

(Speaks in Portuguese.)

Me: “Sorry, sir, I don’t speak Portuguese.”

Customer: “WHAT?! Your family didn’t raise you in this s*** country to forget where we come from!” *guttural swearing in Portuguese*

Me: “Yes, sir, but–”

Customer: “WHAT THE F***! Did your daddy run away and leave your mother that you can’t speak, huh? You’re a half-breed! What you gonna do when this f***ing country goes to s*** and we gotta leave, huh?”

Me: “Well–”

Customer: “So, do you even THINK of yourself as Portuguese? Or are you ashamed of where you come from, or what?”

Me: “I’m Spanish.”

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Extramarital Appliances

, , , | Right | September 4, 2009

Customer: “Could you show me how to use my phone?”

Me: “Um… sure. What can I help you with?”

Customer: “Well, I’ve been told these new phones come with voice control features. Is that true?”

Me: “Yes, sir, just hold the home button to activate the voice control feature.”

Customer: “That’s it? That’s so easy!” *customer picks up the phone* “Call… my wife.”

(Nothing happens.)

Customer: “Why isn’t it calling my wife?”

Me: “Do you have her listed in your phone book as your wife?”

Customer: “No.”

Me: “Yeah. I’m pretty sure the phone isn’t going to know who you’re married to.”

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Home Improvement, P.I.

, , , | Right | September 3, 2009

Me: “Hello, can I help you with anything?”

Customer: “I need a garage door.”

Me: “Okay, our garage doors are back in the millwork department.”

Customer: “No! I don’t need a garage door.”

Me: “All right… what is it that you need?”

Customer: “I need a garage door!”

Me: “All of our garage door stuff is back in millwork.”

Customer: “But I don’t want a garage door!”

Me: “Is this a door inside your garage?”

Customer: “Yes.”

Me: “Well, all of our doors are going to be back in millwork as well.”

Customer: “BUT I DON’T NEED A GARAGE DOOR!”

Me: “Well, then what is it that you are looking for?”

Customer: “I need a garage door.”

(Hearing the commotion, a coworker shows up.)

Coworker: “Ma’am, what does this item do that you are looking for?”

Customer: “It does this…” *makes a slow opening motion with hand*

Me: “So is it on the door inside your garage?”

Customer: “Yes.”

Me: “Well, what does it do?”

Customer: “It does this…” *makes same hand motion*

Coworker: “What exactly does this do?”

Customer: “It keeps the wind out.”

Me: “Okay… is it weather stripping?”

Customer: “No.”

Coworker: “Does it keep the door shut?”

Customer: “Yes. I think it’s a spring!”

(Mystery solved!)

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Introducing Byte-agra

, , , | Right | August 31, 2009

Customer: “Excuse me?”

Me: “Yes, sir, how can I help?”

Customer: “I’m looking for… er… a stiffy disk.”

Me: “I’m sorry… what was it you were after?”

Customer: “I think it’s called stiffy disk.”

Me: “Stiffy… wait, do you mean floppy discs?”

Customer: “Ah, yes! FLOPPY disks!”

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