(I’m finishing a long transaction for a supermarket customer.)
Customer: “You realise that you didn’t say ‘please’ or ‘thank you’ throughout all of that?!”
Me: “I’m sorry, but I thought I did.”
Customer: “Do you go to college or is this your full-time job?!’
Me: “I go to college, but–”
Customer: “GOOD! DON’T DO THIS FOR THE REST OF YOUR LIFE BECAUSE YOU’RE ABSOLUTELY CRAP AT IT!”
(I’m visiting a friend of mine at work when this exchange occurs.)
Customer: *notes my friend’s nametag* “Matt-ie-oh… What a neat name. Where’s it from?”
Friend: “It’s pronounced mah-tay-oh, actually. It’s Spanish.”
Customer: “Oh, really? You don’t look Mexican.”
Friend: “I’m not; I’m Spanish.”
Customer: “Well, what’s the difference?”
Friend: “The Atlantic Ocean?”
(I am monitoring the customers at the self-checkout machines when a customer holding cilantro angrily waves me over.)
Me: “Sir, what seems to be the problem?”
Customer: “These machines are so useless! They don’t even have cilantro under the look-up list!”
Me: “Sir, it’s because you’re looking under ‘S’ instead of ‘C’ — cilantro is spelled with a ‘C.'”
Customer: “Oh, so you’re a know-it-all, huh? We’ll see what you know when these machines take over YOUR job one day!”
Me: “…”
Me: “I’m here to help, sir. Now, can I start with your name?”
Caller: “Yeah. It’s Steven.”
Me: “Is that ‘Steven’ with a V, or ‘Stephen’ with a PH?”
Caller: “No, it’s Steven with an S, idiot!”
Me: “Hi, sir, how are you today? Is there something I can get for you?”
Customer: “Fish.”
Me: “Well, you sure came to the right place. What kind of fish would you like?”
Customer: “Dead fish.”
Me: “…”
