The Internet: Damaging Self-Esteem, One User At A Time

, , | Right | April 8, 2009

Patron: “I was trying to go to a website, and a message popped up that said, ‘This website may be trying to harm your computer. Do you want to continue?'”

Me: “That’s just a warning message. If you know the website, you can just click ‘OK’.”

Patron: “Yes, I know the website. My friend made it. I don’t think that message is very nice.”

Me: “I assure you it’s nothing personal. That message just appears on websites the computer doesn’t recognize.”

Patron: “Well, it’s not nice. That message scared me about my own friend’s website. Do you know somebody you can talk to about that?”

Me: “The system’s warning message?”

Patron: “Yes.”

Me: “Of course. I’ll send them an e-mail about it right now.”

(I pretended to type on my laptop until they left.)

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Best Idea I’ve Heard All Day

, , , | Right | April 8, 2009

(The receptionist at our computer repair store is handling a customer at the front desk.)

Customer: “Can you fix my laptop screen? There’s a big black mark on it.”

(The customer opens the laptop to show a cracked screen.)

Receptionist: “How did that happen?”

Customer: “I closed it, but there was a beer bottle lid inside. It went weird after that.”

Receptionist: “We can repair it for you, but it will cost approximately $1,000 as this is physical damage and not covered by warranty.”

Customer: “I am not paying $1,000 to repair a stupid laptop! You are trying to rip me off, you little b****! It’s under warranty! I know my rights!”

Receptionist: “I am sorry, sir, but we cannot replace the LCD under warranty and you will have to pay for it yourself if you want it replaced.”

Customer: “I’m not paying, so you can go f*** yourself!”

Receptionist: “That’s the best idea I have heard all day, thanks! I’ll go do that right now.”

(The receptionist goes around corner and into back room.)

Customer: “What the f***?!” *leaves, slamming door*

Receptionist: “Is he gone?”

Manager: “Yes, are you finished?”

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I LAve L.A.

, , , , | Right | March 31, 2009

Customer: *holds up sweatshirt* “Oh, my god, they spelled this wrong!”

Me: “What?”

Customer: “Los Angeles!”

Me: “Um, that’s how you spell it.”

Customer: “Nooooo. It says LOS Angeles, but it’s supposed to be LAS Angeles. It’s pronounced LAS Angeles. Am I right?”

Customer’s Friends: “Yeah, totally!”

Customer: “And, actually, shouldn’t it be LAS AngeLAS? Because that’s how you say it, LAS AngeLAS!”

Me: “…”

Customer: “I can’t believe no one has ever noticed this before!”

Me: “Yeah, it’s shocking…”

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Dig Deeper At Your Own Risk

, , , | Right | March 24, 2009

(A customer and her young son are buying a bag of birdseed when she notices a picture of my horse on the board behind me.)

Customer: “Oh, what a beautiful horse! Is he a black stallion?”

Me: “Actually, ma’am, he’s a gelding.”

Customer: “Oh… what’s the difference?”

Me: “A gelding is a male horse who’s been castrated.”

Customer: “What?”

Me: “Uh… a male horse who’s been neutered.”

Customer: “I don’t understand.”

Me: “A male horse who’s had his testicles surgically removed.”

Customer: “I still don’t…”

Me: “A horse with no balls, ma’am.”

Customer: *covering her son’s ears* “My goodness! My son’s only five, you know! He doesn’t need to hear that language!”

Me: “…have a nice day, ma’am.”

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This Land Was Made For Me Not You

, , | Right | March 11, 2009

Me: “Hello. May I take your order?”

Customer: “Yes, I’d like two bean burritos, two fah-jee-tuhs, grilled stuffed burritos, and a large drink.”

Me: “Fah-jee-tuh?”

Customer: “Yes!”

Me: “You mean fajitas?”

Customer: “No, we don’t pronounce it like that! We’re in America, not Mexico!”

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