Can’t Keep A Good Waitress Down

, , , , , , | Right | December 3, 2010

(I am working as a bartender at a restaurant. The waitress has added a 15% gratuity because the party has been large and difficult to deal with.)

Customer: “Miss? What’s this ‘gravity’ crap?! I ain’t paying for no ‘gravity!'”

Waitress: *without missing a beat* “Ma’am, that’s what holds the food to your plate.”

Customer: “Oh, alright then.” *pays the check*

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Customers Should Watch Their Language

, | Right | December 2, 2010

(I work in tech support for a major US cable company, and sometimes we have to deal with people who just don’t want to talk to you because you’re foreign.)

Customer: “You know what? I can’t understand a word you’re saying. You have an accent. Can I be transferred to someone who speaks English?”

Me: “I’m pretty sure I’m speaking English right now, sir.”

Customer: “Yeah, but I can’t understand you because of your accent.”

Me: “So, basically you’re saying you want me to transfer you to someone else.”

Customer: “Yes.”

Me: “Because I have an accent.”

Customer: “That’s right.”

Me: “And you can’t understand what I’m saying.”

Customer: “Exactly.”

Me: “So how come you were able to understand what I just said?”

(A few seconds of silence.)

Customer: “Don’t be an a**-hole and just transfer me!”

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Prismatically Incorrect

, , , | Right | December 2, 2010

Customer: “Hi, do your Renaissance cake toppers have Swastika crystals?”

Me: “I’m sorry, do you mean Swarovski crystals?”

Customer: “Yeah, those.”

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Best Not Order The French Fries

, , , , | Right | November 30, 2010

(I come in on my day off to get my paycheck. Before I go, my boss asks me to help with a table of two people who are speaking mostly French. When I am done, another customer calls me over.)

Customer: “Excuse me, don’t you work here?”

Me: “Yes, sir, I do. It’s just my day off today. Would you like me to get your server?”

Customer: “What were you just talking in? It was some kind of foreign talk. At that other table there?”

Me: “Oh, I speak a little bit of French, so I was helping the server.”

Customer: “You can do that?”

Me: “Do what, sir?”

Customer: “You can speak French in here? Isn’t that illegal?!”

Me: “To speak French?”

Customer: “Yeah! I mean, this is a Mexican restaurant. You could get shot for speaking in French! Or even just thinking about talking in French!”

Me: “Well–”

Customer: “Shot!”

Me: “I don’t think–”

Customer: “Shot!”

Me: “Sir–”

Customer: “SHOT, I SAID!”

Boss: “It’s okay. She was thinking about the words in Spanish.”

Customer: “Oh, good.” *whispers to me* “Don’t ever try to talk in British in here. It won’t end well.”

(My boss made a gun out of paperclips and attached them to all of my paychecks after that.)

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Throw In A Chilean For Some Kick

, , , , , , | Right | November 28, 2010

(There is a customer in the refrigerated dairy section, looking lost.)

Me: “Can I help you find something?”

Customer: *grabs my arm* “Oh, yes! I’m looking for cheese.”

Me: “Well, it would be in this aisle. What kind of cheese?”

Customer: “You know, it’s white, and has little green flecks of Filipino.”

Me: “Uhm, I don’t think we have that. Do you mean jalapeño?”

Customer: “Yes, that’s it!”

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