Fpelling Is Fimple

, , , | Right | July 15, 2009

(I’m trying to instruct a caller how to visit a website.)

Customer: “It says ‘page cannot be displayed.'”

Me: “Okay, please go to google.com.”

Customer: “Okay, it came up.”

Me: “All right, it looks like we got the address wrong the first time. Let’s try it again.” *I spell out the entire URL*

Customer: “It’s still not working.”

Me: “Okay, could you please spell it back to me?”

Customer: “H-T-T-P-F…”

Me: “I see what happened here. At the beginning, we need to put H-T-T-P-S as in ‘Sierra’.”

Customer: “OK, H-T-T-P-F…”

Me: “No, not ‘F’ as in Frank, ‘S’ as in Sam. ‘S’ as in sample.”

Customer: “H-T-T-P-F…”

Me: “Sir, no, we need to make sure that it is an S as in Sierra.” ‘S’ as in solution.”

Customer: *really upset at this point* “YOU’RE NOT MAKING ANY SENSE! F AS IN SIERRA?! F AS IN SIERRA?! SIERRA BEGINS WITH AN S!

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Foolish As A Second Language

, , , , | Right | July 15, 2009

Me: “Good afternoon, I’m from [Collections Agency]. Is [Client] available to speak?”

Young Girl: “Sure, hold on one second.”

(A few moments later…)

Client: “Hello?”

Me: “Good afternoon, sir. I’m making a courtesy call on behalf of [Credit Card Company] about the overdue balance on the account you have with them.”

Client: “What?”

Me: “You currently owe $3,800.00, but you haven’t made a payment in six months. I’m calling to see if you’re having trouble paying the bill. I can also help you set up a payment plan to make it easier for you to handle the payments.”

Client: “NO HABLO ESPAÑOL!”

Me: “Sir, that’s why I’m speaking to you in English.”

Client: “Huh?”

Me: “You just said, ‘I don’t speak Spanish.'”

(There’s a bit of a pause while he digests what I’ve said.)

Client: “…What do I owe again?”

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The Hole In His Logic

, , , | Right | July 13, 2009

Customer: “I’m looking for your nuts.”

Me: “Those are on aisle four, sir.”

Customer: “I’ve already looked and I can’t find them. I’m looking for my favorites.”

Me: “All the types of nut we have in stock are in aisle four, if you can’t find them then we don’t stock them. Do you want me to have a look for you?”

Customer: “No no, I’ll go look again.”

(Five minutes later, he returns.)

Customer: “I still can’t find my favorite nuts!”

Me: “Then I am afraid we must not stock them.”

Customer: “But my wife gets them for me from here every week!”

Me: “What type of nuts does she buy you?”

Customer: “Donuts…”

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A Cheese By Any Other Name

, , , , | Right | July 10, 2009

Me: *greeting the table* “Hello, how are y’all do–”

Customer: *interrupting* “Do you have cheese dip?”

Me: “Yes, we have queso.”

Customer: “No! I don’t want queso! I want cheese dip!”

Me: “…”

Customer’s Five-Year-Old Daughter: “Daddy, queso is cheese.”

Customer: “Hush!” *looks at me* “What kind of Mexican restaurant doesn’t have cheese dip?”

Me: “Sir, we have cheese dip, but here we call it queso.”

Customer: “Fine! Bring out this ‘queso’ and I’ll let YOU know if it’s cheese dip or not!”

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Sticky First Dates

, , | Right | July 9, 2009

Customer: “Excuse me, but I’m looking for your rubber semen.”

Me: “Excuse me?!”

Customer: “You heard right! I need rubber semen.”

Me: “Um… I’m not entirely sure we carry that here.”

Customer: “Well, if you have it, it would be over by the glue.”

Me: “Oh! You meant rubber cement!”

Customer: “What did you think I meant?”

Me: “…Semen.”

Customer: “Oh, no… we wouldn’t be talking about that until we’ve gone out a couple times.”

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