Knee-Slap Meets Face-Palm

, , , | | Learning | July 10, 2019

(I am an elementary school teacher. I am talking to a third grader and she tells me a joke, so I say:)

Me: “Haha! That’s a knee-slapper.”

Student: “What?”

Me: “A knee-slapper. You know, when something’s funny, you slap your knee?”

(I demonstrate.)

Student: “Um, maybe that’s how they did it in the olden days, but now we just laugh when something is funny.”

Like A Regular Igloo But With Wi-Fi

, , , , , | | Right | July 4, 2019

(I work for a government agency and provide 24/7 support for other agencies. This particular call takes place at 2:00 am.)

Me: “IT, how can I help you?”

Customer: “I need my login password reset.”

Me: “Sure thing. We just need to verify your identity.”

(After verifying the customer’s identity I provide the password.)

Me: “Your password is, ‘Every$boy.’”

Customer: “So that’s E as in ‘igloo,’ right?”

Me: *silence* “Um… Yes, ma’am.”

Customer: “Okay, got it. Thanks, bye!”

The Biggest Crime Is Thinking Chow Mein Is Japanese

, , , , | | Legal | July 3, 2019

(A Windows scammer had been calling me every ten minutes for the past hour.)

Scammer: “Your Windows server is broken; we need some information to fix it.”

(I panic and start thinking of what to say. I am fed up with this guy and don’t want him to call again.)

Me: “Hiyaah!”

Scammer: “Hello?”

Me: “Hiyaah!”

(I see a restaurant menu on the table, and start listing Chinese menu items in the most garbled voice I can manage.)

Scammer: “What language are you speaking?”

Me: “Chow mein?” *exaggerated, then more garbled gibberish*

Scammer: *in the background* “Help, I think I’ve got Japan… What do I do?”

Background: “Hang up, hang up!”

(I didn’t hear from him again.)

Because Pushing Tires Would Be Silly

, , , , | | Friendly | July 3, 2019

(I’m following a father and son into a nearby mall. I assume they are not Canadian after the following happens. There’s a bilingual sticker on the door in English and French saying, “Pull/Tirez.”)

Son: “Dad, why does it say, ‘Pull tires,’ on the door?”

Father: “I don’t know. They just do things strange up here.”

Funky Listening Skills

, , , | | Working | July 2, 2019

(I’m a female in her mid-twenties who works in the deli department of a supermarket. One morning, I’m opening with a coworker, and because it’s early it’s dead quiet, so I’m telling her about how my car is at the mechanics. A manager walks past, hears us talking, and storms over.)

Manager: “[My Name], I don’t ever want to hear that kind of language! I should write you up!”

Me: “What did I say?”

Manager: “I heard you tell [Coworker] that your car had gone all f-*-*-*-y. That is not okay to say where customers can hear you!”

Me: “Um, I said my car had gone all funky. You know, f-u-n-k-y?”

Manager: “Oh.”

(She walks off without another word.)

Coworker: “You totally said your car had gone all f***y, didn’t you?”

Me: “Yup.”

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