Needs To Reorient Your Hearing

, , , , , | Working | January 14, 2019

(A new starter has been assigned to my team. I am trying to get him logged into our computer to process customers’ to-store deliveries, when the system refuses to let him log in. I recognise the error: he hasn’t started his shift yet — we use an electronic time-booking system that also prevents user accounts from being logged into unless they are on the clock. I advise him that he needs to clock in, and escort him to the machine in case he forgot where it is. He stops as we approach the staff door.)

Me: “Is there a problem?”

Starter: “I can’t go in there.”

Me: “Why not?”

Starter: “The gays are in there. [Manager] said I’m not allowed.”

(I have no idea what he’s talking about, but reassure him that he is, indeed, allowed beyond the threshold. He adamantly refuses to enter, and wants me to speak to the manager about it. I tell him he risks not being paid for his shift, which he accepts. I assign him to something not needing computer access and wait for the manager to come in. She is equally confused and speaks to the starter. She gives me this gem when she returns.)

Manager: “He apparently misheard me when I told him he had to be escorted in the admin office because the keys are in there.”

Getting To The Guts Of The Show

, , , , , | Related | January 14, 2019

(I am living back home with my mother after my divorce. Our bedrooms are right next to each other, and we have our own TVs. I’m a horror buff, while she prefers crime dramas — CSI, Law & Order, etc. — and shuns anything remotely gory. This exchange happens as we’re shouting to each other between rooms.)

Character On Crime Drama: “The victim was eviscerated…”

Mom: “Hey, [My Name], what does ‘eviscerated’ mean?”

Me: “Gutted like a fish!”

Mom: “Okay, thanks!” *changes channel quickly*

Buy Me A Burger And Kiss Me!

, , , , , | Right | January 13, 2019

(My godmother was from Sweden and while her English was quite good, she sometimes stumbled over pronunciations. One story she liked to tell was when she stopped in Kissimmee while traveling through Florida. While at the counter of a fast food restaurant she decides to try asking about the name.)

Godmother: “How do you pronounce the name of this place? Please say it slowly so I can get it.”

Fast Food Worker: “Bur-Ger King.”

Godmother: *laughs* “Okay, that is what I asked.”

Wrong Direction, Right Attitude

, , , , , , | Working | January 10, 2019

(We’re short-staffed and it’s been a busy, chaotic morning with customers practically lined up out the door as they wait for their prescriptions. Eventually, we get through the queue and stop to catch our breath in a brief moment while there are no more customers in the shop. We’re all a bit tired when yet another customer enters and looks around, appearing confused. My coworker approaches her and blurts out this gem:)

Coworker: “Can I point you in the wrong direction?”

(Fortunately, the customer had a great sense of humour and was soon successfully served.)

The Temperature Of Confusion

, , , , , | Right | January 8, 2019

Customer: “I need to make an appointment for my car.”

Me: “All right, when were you looking to come in, and what’s the problem?”

Customer: “I need an oil change, but I also have an issue. Something isn’t right.”

Me: “All right, what’s the issue you are having?”

Customer: “The engine smells… hot.”

Me: “It smells hot?”

Customer: “Yes, it smells hot.”

Me: “All right, are you smelling burning? Fumes? A coolant smell?”

Customer: “No, it just smells hot hot. [Owner] will know.”

(I get this frequently: that my owner will know. Of course he remembers every person and every problem!)

Me: “Is there any way for you to describe the smell more clearly?”

Customer: “Umm… It smells hot.”

Me: “All righty. Well, I have the notes in here, and [Owner] will check out the car when it’s in.”

(I go out to the garage after to tell the guys that this woman’s car “smells HOT and that [Owner] will know!”)

Tech: “Did you ask her what cold smells like?”

Page 2/14212345...Last