Reaching A New Tea Total

, , , , | Right | November 1, 2019

(I work in a tearoom in York. We sell coffee, cakes, light lunches, and that sort of thing. Late one Sunday, a woman comes in and, after going through the menu, asks:)

Customer: “Can I just have a teacake with cheese?”

(The request is a bit weird, but it’s what the lady wants, so I’ll try and be accommodating.)

Me: “Do you want the cheese to be, like, a little melted on top?”

Customer: “No, just cold, as it comes.”

Me: “Butter?”

Customer: “No, just the cheese.”

Me: “Untoasted… with cheese?”

Customer: “Yes.”

(So, she wants an untoasted toasted teacake, with cheese. Sure, some people are funny, but we can do that. I take the order up to the kitchen, explaining that yes, it is definitely what she wants. A short while later, I bring her an untoasted toasted teacake with cheese. It’s the saddest, most depressing thing I’ve seen. I set it down in front of her and she says, in a voice of aggravated bewilderment:)

Customer: “What. Is. This?”

Me: “Teacake with cheese.”

Customer: “I wanted just a teacake with cheese.”

(My cool is evaporating. I fix my face with the rictus grin all waitstaff use when the customer is, quite obviously, wrong.)

Customer: “Why is this so hard for you? I just want a teacake; this isn’t a teacake. Who would eat this?”

Me: *calmly* “Madam, would you like to speak to the manager?”

Customer: “No, just bring me a teacake, a normal teacake, with cheese.”

Me: “Madam, these are the only teacakes we have.”

Customer: *indignantly* “No, they aren’t!” *other people are starting to stare* “You have teacakes in the window; bring me one of those.”

(Now, I know we don’t have teacakes in the window display. We’ve got cakes, cream buns, and… then it occurs to me what she is pointing at.)

Me: “A bread roll? You want a plain bread roll with cheese?”

Customer:Yes! Finally. Why would this place hire such a moron?”

Me: “Of course, madam.”

(I walk over to the glass case, remove a bread roll, take it into the back to have them put some cheese on top, and walk back out and give the woman her “Teacake With Cheese.”)

Me: “Here you go, madam. I hope this will be to your liking.”

Customer:Finally! I really don’t see why it was so difficult to get a simple teacake with cheese!”

Me: *walks to the back to slam my head into the wall several times*

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She Is Very Pro Noun

, , , , , , , | Learning | November 1, 2019

(I go to a Catholic all-girls private high school. As I’m FTM trans, I can’t be “publically” out without risking expulsion and being forcefully outed to my parents. Despite this, most everyone I’m friends with knows and is cool and respectful about it. In my sophomore year, this happens when I decide to tell one of my newer freshman friends about it.)

Me: “So, my name isn’t actually [Deadname] but [Chosen Name], and I mostly use masculine pronouns.”

(I guess at this point she realizes that she’s been unknowingly misgendering me for the past three or so months we’ve known each other and kind of freaks out.)

Friend: “Oh, OH! I’M SO SORRY, ‘HE.’ I WON’T DO IT AGAIN!”

Me: “Sweetheart, that’s not how pronouns work.”

(Thankfully, she’s learned how to use grammar far more effectively since then!)

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This Curriculum Was Designed By A Doof

, , , , | Learning | November 1, 2019

(I go to an “elite” high-school that specializes in language learning. The really cool thing about their curriculum is that after the initial hard learning in the first year, students take one or more classes entirely in their primary language. For me it is German, and because the school doesn’t have enough teachers to cover all subjects, my classmates and I end up with chemistry and biology in German all through ninth grade. Our final biology tests are tough and most of us review all of the year’s learning material so that we can pass. Skip ahead to tenth grade. Note: it’s usual for schools in Bulgaria to hold “entry-level” tests for most subjects, in order to review the most important things from the last year and to ease the transition in the new stuff.)

Teacher: “All right, students, hope you had a good summer, but now things are getting tough again. Our entry-level test is on Tuesday next week.”

Class: *groans*

Teacher: “I also have some good news, though. This year we won’t be learning in German, so at least you won’t be bothered by grammar and new biology vocabulary.”

Class: *sighs in relief*

Classmate: “Excuse me, Mrs. [Teacher], we are still having the entry test in German, right?”

Teacher: “Why? It’s in Bulgarian, too.”

Classmate: “But we know all this stuff in German!”

Teacher: “So, translate it; you’re smart enough, I believe?”

Classmate: “Yeah, for most things, but those special terms aren’t that easy to translate. All materials we have from last year are in German, and we don’t even know what half of the organs are called in Bulgarian!”

Teacher: “Oh, come on. You can do it. End of discussion. Now, let’s review. Can someone tell me anything about the chemical substances in a human cell?”

Class: *looks dumb*

Teacher: “Anyone? No one?”

Class: *looks even dumber*

Teacher: *sighs* “All right…” *in German* “Chemical substances in a cell?”

Classmate: *also in German* “I know that one!” *proceeds to explain*

Me: *facepalm* “We’re so failing that entry test.”

(Most of us did fail. I still think it was a very stupid change in curriculum.)

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They’re High Up To The (Ca)Nines

, , , , | Right | October 31, 2019

(I work in a dollar store and often times we have unique items for sale that will catch the attention of browsing customers. I am currently serving a man in his late 30s to early 40s while his wife is sifting through a box of decorative stones with a dog carved into them. The display box is labeled as “Dog Stones.”)

Man: *to wife* “What are you looking at now?”

Wife: *misreading the box* “Dog Stoners!”

Man: *to me* “What the h*** are ‘dog stoners’?

(I have noticed that there are two small children that have been wandering around all over the front of the store and try to be as careful with my wording as possible.)

Me: “They’re dog stones and they are essentially used for decoration. I don’t know about ‘dog stoners,’ but I assume it’s a group of laid back canines that engage in the recreational use of a particular plant.”

(The man widened his eyes a little before he cracked up. The wife finally picked a polished stone with the outline of a bulldog carved into it. The kids turned out to be more preoccupied with the “bedazzled” pocket flashlights.)

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Indie Games Really Do Push The Limits These Days

, , , , , | Romantic | October 31, 2019

(My husband and I are scrolling through the free games on our Xbox to see if there’s anything interesting enough to play. We settle on one and decide we’ll play it once we have our daughter down for bed.)

Me: “Are you ready to play Goat Stimulator?”

Husband: *gives me an odd look*

Me: “I mean Goat Simulator! Goat Stimulator would be a completely different game.”

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