That Is NOT The Same Old Yarn

, , , | Right | August 15, 2017

(The store I work in sells a lot of yarn. We often have multiple batches/shipments of the same colour yarn in our shelves, and we have to double check that both the batch and colour match before we sell it to a customer, to avoid colour differences in the finished product. This happens at the checkout when a customer wants to buy a lot of yarn)

Me: “Now I just have to check the batch numbers real quickly so we are sure you get no colour differences later on.”

Customer: *sighs* “I understand that; we all have our fetishes.”

(I freeze for about half a second from this comment but the rest of the transaction goes as normal. After she leaves:)

Boss: “I really don’t think it means what she think it means.”

Me: “I don’t even want to know.”

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Using Alternative Words

, , , , | Right | August 14, 2017

Me: “Can I get you anything?”

Customer: “No, thank you. I was wondering, though, why are there so many alternative couples in here?”

Me: “Alternative?”

Customer: “Well, gay. I don’t like using that word though because it normalises the perverse.”

Me: “I see… Well, this is a gay bar, so that’s why there are so many gay couples.”

Customer: “Oh, an alternative bar! How interesting. Are you alternative?”

Me: “Yes, I’m gay.”

Customer: “How interesting!”

(Other than referring to anything gay as “alternative” she seemed quite pleased with everything and spent most of the evening with us.)

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Reading Too Much Into This Reading Thing

, , , , | Right | August 13, 2017

(All our boneless, skinless chicken breasts are buy one, get one free. Included are regular, thin sliced, tenders, and family packs. We have small signs in front of all the boneless, and big signs on sign holders standing up in the case. A woman picks up two packages of chicken WINGS from further down the case and wants them for the buy one, get one free offer.)

Woman: “But why can’t I get these? The signs there say ‘Buy One, Get One Free’ and I want these wings!”

Me: “I’m sorry, but the offer is only on boneless, skinless chicken BREASTS, not all the chicken at this time. See? The signs over here mention everything that’s included.”

Woman: “Well, that’s ridiculous! I want my wings for free! People shouldn’t have to READ when they shop!”

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Nevertheless You’re Still Getting The Write Up

, , , , | Working | August 12, 2017

(I am called into the office and issued a write-up. I read it. I seriously think it is a joke.)

Me: “Excuse me, could you please explain this? It states that I’m being written up for using ‘nevertheless’ in a conversation with a customer.”

Boss: “Yes, she complained that you used a word she didn’t know and made her feel stupid.”

Me: “How is it my fault that she’s stupid for not knowing what ‘nevertheless’ means? She’s an affluent forty-year-old and is a native English speaker. There’s no reason for her not to know the meaning of the word.”

Boss: “Well, I didn’t know what it meant, either.”

Me: “Once again, how’s that my fault? It’s a perfectly common word. I’d expect a third grader to be able to infer what it meant, even if they didn’t know the meaning. I refuse to dumb down my vocabulary for idiots.”

Boss: *deer in headlights look* “You may go now.”

(No, I wasn’t fired. My boss pretty much ignored me after that incident. I heard from another coworker that I stumped the boss with my use of “affluent.” I quit shortly after.)

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The Phone Does NOT Want To Go There

, , , , | Friendly | August 11, 2017

(My friend is texting another friend, and because I’m driving, is reading the text to me as she types.)

Friend: “Okay, so… we’re… going to… have lunch… and… then… after… we’re going… to… Plato’s— f***, not perjury… Plato’s– s***, not plates… PLATO’S— d*** it, NOT PIRATES… PLATO’S! F***! PLATO’S!… Okay, there we go… Plato’s… Closet. Stupid phone.”

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