Peppered With Translation Errors

, , , | Right | September 8, 2017

(We’ve just got in from our flight, and all we want to do is crash. Unfortunately, we’re also hungry. I look up a pizza place just down the street.)

Me: *on the phone* “Hallo. Können wir bitte ein Pizza haben?” *Hello. Can we please have a pizza?*

Pizza Man: *rapidly talks German but I catch the words, “Which kind?”*

Me: “Haben Sie Peperoni Pizza?” *Do you have pepperoni?*

Pizza Man: “Ja. Wie groß?” *Yes. How big?*

(The rest of the order goes okay, and I basically understand everything he says. When the pizza comes, however, it is not pepperoni. It has onions and peppers, and looks nothing like pepperoni pizza! I try talking to the guy, but we can’t seem to understand each other.)

Me: *thinking* “I’ll accept the pizza; it shouldn’t be that bad.”

(My mouth is on fire the rest of the night. I call my German mother to ask why this happened. She laughs at me for a solid minute.)

Mum: “I did the same thing when I was 13! I had just finished my stay in America, and I missed the pizza there. I asked the waitress for a pepperoni pizza. She was like, ‘Are you sure?’ She was so insistent, but I really wanted that pizza.”

Me: “So, you got a pepper pizza?”

Mum: “Yup! It was so spicy! You want salami pizza, dear. It’s a little saltier and less spicy than pepperoni, but it’s basically the same thing.”

Me: “Thank you so much!”

(I eventually learned to love German pizza, especially curry pizza, but I’ll never forget that first one!)

This Instrument Blows

, , , , , , | Friendly | September 8, 2017

(In the early days at my new university, I rebound hard into a relationship with a terrible person. I am an emotional wreck for a laundry list of reasons going into it, and am likely going through a bout of real depression, which she makes considerably worse. She belittles me, yells at me, and mocks me frequently. About halfway through our short relationship, I am sitting in her living room having a conversation with her and her roommate.)

Me: “I think it would be awesome to have the ability to just pick up any instrument in the world and know how to play it well. Especially the stranger ones.”

Her: “Oh, yeah? Do you know how to play the skin flute?”

(As stated before, I am not in a good emotional [and therefore mental] state, and when she says, “skin flute,” my brain produces an image of a PAN FLUTE and I accept it. I respond accordingly.)

Me: “No, I don’t, but that would really be cool to learn. I’ve seen some people do some neat things with those.”

Her: *whips a shocked look over at her roommate, who returns it*

(I am confused as to why they would look so shocked by me happily admitting that I’d like to know how to play [what I think is] a pan flute, but the subject changes and life continues… until weeks later when I finally end that mistake of a relationship and begin the work of repairing my life. A couple weeks after the breakup, I have some memories cross my mind, including that exchange. It is then that my brain finally decides it’s time to appropriately remember what a “skin flute” is.)

Me: *alone* “…HEY!”

The Daddy Of All Phrasing

, , , , | Learning | September 8, 2017

(In year-seven Spanish, our teacher is going through the translations of family members.)

Teacher:Padre means father, dad, or daddy.”

Student: *out loud* “The Internet has ruined the word ‘daddy’.”

Out Of State, Out Of Mind

, , , | Right | September 7, 2017

Me: “Good morning, my name is [My Name]. Can I start with your account number please?”

Client: *gives me his account number*

Me: “And what state do you reside in?”

Client: “Well, right now I reside in a state of confusion.”

Me: “I meant what US state do you reside in, sir?”

Client: “Oh! Well, why didn’t you say that?”

Nazis Should Be On Everyone’s S***-List

, , , , | Related | September 7, 2017

(I’m driving my nine-year-old daughter. My daughter asks me to play the soundtrack quiz game. She hasn’t seen many of the movies in the game, she only knows the music. English isn’t our first language.)

Me: *hums the theme from “Schindler’s List”*

Daughter: “I KNOW THAT ONE! S***-LIST!”

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