Virgo-ing On Awkwardness

, , , , , | Learning | October 13, 2017

(A classmate’s birthday was earlier this week.)

Teacher: “My birthday’s tomorrow, guys.”

Student: “My sister’s birthday is tomorrow.”

Teacher: “Oh! So you’re both virgins! Virgos!” *runs out of room*

Weeding Out The Junkies

, , , , | Right | October 13, 2017

(For a future program, we’re having a conversation about medical marijuana being sold in our state. We have the program advertised on the bulletin board when this happens. A woman sees the advertisement, and then begins screaming across the lobby at us.)

Woman: “YOU’RE SELLING WEED?!”

Us: “No, it’s a conversation!”

Woman: “BUT IT SAYS YOU’RE SELLING WEED!”

Us: “It’s a conversation about selling weed!”

(The woman comes to the front desk.)

Us: “You got excited, didn’t you?”

Woman: “Yeah…”

Sliding Translation

, , , , , | Right | October 13, 2017

(I am a high-schooler who works as a lifeguard over the summer. I have many stories that I could tell, but the worst starts when a woman goes down the slide on her stomach, which you aren’t allowed to do. I call her over and try to tell her this, but she keeps acting confused and talking to me in another language. I have seen her talking to a kid, so I call him over.)

Me: “Hi there. Do you speak English?”

Kid: *confused* “Yes.”

Me: “Do you know this woman?”

Kid: *still confused* “Yes. She’s my mom.”

Me: “Great! I was wondering if you could translate for me?”

Kid: *even more confused* “Okay.”

Me: “Could you please tell her that she isn’t supposed to go down the slide on her stomach, and ask her to please not do it again?”

(The kid relayed the message in their language, still looking very confused. The woman nodded, and they both went back to the pool. On a hunch, I checked later with my friend who worked at the entrance to the pool. Apparently, he and the woman had a nice little chat, in English, on her way into the pool. I hope she had a great time explaining to her son why he’d had to translate for her!)

Travel, Have A Crack At It

, , , , | Related | October 11, 2017

(I am planning a trip to Athens with several friends. I am at home discussing the costs and stuff with my mom when this happens.)

Me: “The hotel would be really cheap for a two-week stay, even. It’s crazy. Crap’s so cheap over there—”

Mom: “[MY NAME]! You know once you try that stuff you get addicted; how could you even think of going and doing that?!”

Me: *bemused* “What, travelling? I mean it’s not the worst thing to be addicted to. Maybe your wallet would disagree.”

Mom: “Crack is so bad for you, [My Name]; I can’t believe—”

Me: “Wait, what? You thought I said ‘crack’? I said ‘crap’. Oh, my gosh, Mom.”

(It’s been a few weeks and I’m still teasing her over that.)

Wazoo Cramps

, , , , , , | Romantic | October 11, 2017

(My wife has a love-hate relationship with ibuprofen: it makes her drowsy, but it’s also the only thing that soothes her menstrual cramps.)

Wife: “Ooh… cramps just kicked in. Ibuprofen up the wazoo.”

Me: “That seems less than ideal. I don’t think your body will absorb it properly if you put it up your wazoo.”

Wife: “Oh, my God. You’re ridiculous.”

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