Now Offering Extra Free Guacamole And A Turn-Down Service

, , , | Right | October 17, 2019

(A guest with a thick accent comes up to the front desk looking for directions.)

Guest: “Can you tell me where is the nearest cheep-otel?”

Me: “I’m sorry?”

Guest: “The nearest cheep-otel?”

(They way he is pronouncing it, it sounds like “cheap hotel.”)

Me: “Well… there’s a couple [Hotels] in the area, or if you go down [Street] there are some smaller-name hotels, but I don’t really know any of their price ranges.”

Guest: “No! Cheep-otel! The Mexican place? They make burritos?”

Me: “Um… OH! CHIPOTLE!”

(Awkward silence.)

Me: “Let me look that up for you.”

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Blimey! What A Lot Of Rubbish!

, , , , | Learning | October 16, 2019

(I teach kindergarteners and first-graders on Wednesday nights at my church. Tonight’s lesson is about the Tower of Babel. The point is to teach how language can be confusing.)

Me: “It’s hard to understand someone when they speak a different language, but sometimes it can be hard to understand someone even if they speak the same language as you. For instance, in Britain, even though they speak English, they use different words to describe the same things we have.”

Students: “No, they don’t. They speak English.”

Me: “So, you think if you went to London tomorrow, you could understand what they were saying?”

Students: “Yes!”

Me: “Okay. So, I leave my flat and take the lift down, only to discover my car is out of petrol. I call a tow truck on my mobile, but they want fifty pounds. So, I start my holiday off by taking the Tube to the football game, where I eat chips, not crisps. What did I say?”

Students: “Uh… We don’t know.”

(I pulled out a list I had prepared earlier, and we went through them one by one.)

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They’re Really Desperate To Get People Into Writing Club

, , , , , , | Learning | October 15, 2019

(I am a middle school teacher. We have announcements every day at the end of school. The principal is making an announcement about our new writing club and this is what I hear:)

Principal: “Do you like writing or kind of like writing? The join our writing club! Join others to create short stories, porn, and other fun things!”

Me: “WHAT?!”

Students: “Poems. She said poems.”

(The students definitely heard the same thing I did, too. The principal might want to enunciate a bit more!)

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Going “Out” In My Ka

, , , , | Related | October 12, 2019

(I live with my parents well into my twenties. To keep a modicum of privacy, when my parents ask of an evening, “Oh, you are off out? Where are you going?” I say, “Out.” It drives them crazy, but they understand that this is how I can keep living with them: by having parts of my life private. I tell them about a man if we become exclusive, but not if we just go on a couple of dates. Flash forward 15 years. I am living on the other side of the world. I ring my dad, and we are chatting about random stuff.)

Me: “Oh, yes, I meant to tell you. We bought a new car.”

Dad: “Oh, what model?”

Me: “It’s a Ka.”

Dad: *resentfully* “Fine, be like that.”

Me: “No! It’s a Ford KA! It’s a small, three-door city car that–” *realising* “–Ford does not sell in Australia.”

(I think my parents still regard me as a sulky and laconic teenager.)

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“A” Bit Of Trouble With The Address

, , , | Right | October 11, 2019

(I live in an apartment complex with four buildings. They are called A, B, C, and D. One day I phone the local taxi company to get a ride.)

Me: “Hi. Can I get a pickup at [complex address], please?”

Dispatcher: “Sure thing. Which building?”

Me: “A.”

Dispatcher: “Which building?”

Me: *a little more clearly* “A.”

Dispatcher: *more clearly* “Which. Building.”

Me: *drawn out* “A.”

Dispatcher: “I need to know which building!”

(It finally dawns on me that she thinks I am saying, “Eh?” as in, “Didn’t catch that, please repeat yourself!” in true Canadian fashion. I just thought our phone connection wasn’t the best and she couldn’t hear me.)

Me: “Oh! Building A. The first one at the top of the hill!”

(We both had a good laugh about it. I’ve been a regular for a few years now, so by now they already know where to come as soon as my number pops up on their caller ID in the mornings.)

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