Today’s Lesson Is “The Penis Game”

, , , , | Learning | June 27, 2017

It was standard in my middle school that everyone took health class the second semester of eighth grade, so half the school is in the “sex ed” chapter all at once every year.

I am in math class one morning, and it’s dead quiet while we work on a quiz. Suddenly, from the other side of the wall we hear what must be the entire class yell “PENIS” at the top of their lungs.

Cue the shocked pause and then 35 thirteen-year-olds dying laughing. We didn’t get the quiz done for another 20 minutes.

I found out later that the teacher had everyone get over the “awkwardness” of talking about sex and bodies by having the whole class yell each vocab word in that chapter. And, of course, being 13 and 14, guess what word everyone always shouted the loudest?

Requests Against Humanity

, , , , | Right | June 24, 2017

(I work in the hardware department of an aging retail franchise. I receive a call during a busy holiday season shift and a somewhat-elderly woman’s voice speaks to me from the other end of the line.)

Me: “Thank you for calling [Store]’s hardware department! [My Name] speaking. How may I help you?”

Customer: “Hello, is this Toys?”

Me: “I’m sorry, ma’am, but only our [Larger District] store has a dedicated toys department, but we do have some toys. What are you looking for today?”

Customer: “Well, I was hoping to find a certain board game. Have you ever heard of Card Games for Humanity?”

(Her voice leads me to believe she is very humble and prim. Cards Against Humanity is one of my favorite games, but I don’t think she was buying it for herself. So I spare as much detail as possible.)

Me: “Hmmm. That sounds familiar; however, we don’t sell that game in our store. I can tell you, though, that they definitely sell it on [Online Store] if you want to find it!”

Customer: “Oh, wait… did I say Card Games for Humanity? I meant Card Games Against Humanity. I played that last night at my son’s house, and it was a f****** riot! I love that game!”

(At my manager’s discretion, we had a small, appropriate conversation about it before laughing ourselves off the phone.)

Used By The Fashion Police

, , , , , , | Right | June 22, 2017

Customer: “Do you have body bags?”

Me: “Umm… what?”

(The customer describes something like a poncho.)

Me: “A poncho?”

Customer: “NO! A BODYBAG.”

(The customer then flagged down someone of another ethnicity to help her, saying they would know what she meant. I still have no idea.)

I Heart Math

, , , , | Learning | June 22, 2017

(Our teacher has written a question on the board and a fellow student is trying to answer it.)

Student: *finishes writing answer*

Teacher: “x<34?”

Student: “No, it’s lesser than four times—”

Teacher: “But you have put a three in there after less than.”

Student: “Isn’t that how you write it?”

Teacher: “No. Less than is just the arrow.”

Student: “That’s how I’ve always written it.”

Other Student: “Sir, less than 3 is a love heart in text language.”

Teacher: “Oh, I see. Please, no one do that in exams. I beg of you.”

Shouldn’t Have Gone Down That Rabbit Hole

, , , , , | Right | June 21, 2017

(I work as a freelance contractor doing computer repair and sometimes take on wiring projects, too. An apartment complex hires me to fix their private cable service across one of their buildings. I am in the unit of four Spanish-speaking young men. I am male, solidly built, but have back trouble and don’t want to aggravate it by moving heavy furniture.)

Me: *in English since I know at least one of them speaks some English* “Can I get some help moving your TV cabinet from the wall?”

One Of The Young Men: “Why, you can’t do it yourself?” *laughter from all four men*

Me: “I’m sure I could but don’t want to risk damaging any of your things. I just need room to open up the cable jack in the wall and test it.”

(Still laughing, one of them helps move the TV cabinet out.)

Other Young Man: *whispering* “Coneja.”

(Directly translated, “rabbit.” However, I knew the term also is a derogatory slang term related to female anatomy.) The others join in, laughing, “Ay, coneja. Sí, coneja.”)

(The whispered jokes continue with more laughter while I open the cable jack, quickly find the problem (poorly attached connector was about to fall off), fasten a new connector and repair the jack, and turn the TV on.)

Me: “It works, see? Now can we move the TV cabinet back in place?”

One Of The Young Men: “Okay.” *turns to other men and whispers* “Qué coneja.” *what a “rabbit”*

(As I am leaving, I turn back to them:)

Me: *all in Spanish* “Have a nice evening and enjoy your cable!”

(Four shocked and mortified faces stared at me as I closed the door.)

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