Making America Speak Right Again!

, , , , | Right | March 25, 2019

(My sister works at an auto auction. They take in cars that have been totaled and auction them off to buyers who will either invest in fixing them up or use them for parts. They have many clients from all around the world, and a good portion of them only know the barest of English. One day, a customer comments on this to my sister.)

Customer: “Do you get a lot of r****ds in here who don’t talk English right?”

My Quick-Witted Sister: “We get a lot of people who don’t SPEAK English.”

(And guess what, sir? The guys who can’t speak English well are still lapping you by speaking more than one language at all.)

They’ve Been Around A Fair Bit Longer Than That

, , , | Related | March 23, 2019

(My dad, my mom, and I are watching a movie.)

Movie: “At college, I got kicked out of a threesome.”

Dad: “What?”

Mom: “She got kicked out of a threesome.”

Me: “You should know what a threesome is. It has been around since you were a teenager.”

Dad: “She got kicked out of Threesome College?”

Mom & Me: “No.”

Mom: “She got kicked out of a threesome in college.”

Dad: “Oh. A threesome.”

(I think he was tired, because after the movie ended, he fell asleep.)

Didn’t Have The Relevant Data

, , , , , | Related | March 20, 2019

(My brother and I are sitting together playing a popular word game on our phones. I play the word “data” and, thanks to the precise placement of the letters, I score like 36 points. When he sees the word, he gets upset.)

Brother: “What?! What kinds bulls*** word is that?!”

Me: *confused*

Brother: “Dah-tah? That’s not even a word!”

Me: “That’s ‘data,’ you f****** moron.”

Brother: *pause* “Shut up.”

(It’s been about a year since that happened and I haven’t let him live it down since!)

A Cup-Cup For A Dum-Dum

, , , , | Right | March 20, 2019

(I work at a bakery cafe, and we have self-serve drip coffee. When I sell coffee, one question I ask everyone is if they want their cup for here or to go, because some people are very particular that they want a ceramic mug, but generally, everyone else wants to take their coffee to go.)

Me: “So, a medium coffee. Did you want a ceramic mug for the coffee or a paper cup?”

Customer: “I want a cup-cup.”

Me: “So, a paper cup?”

Customer: “No! A cup-cup.”

Me: “A ceramic mug, then.”

Customer: “Well, yeah, duh.”

Signing In A Scottish Accent

, , , , , , | Learning | March 20, 2019

(I have Asperger’s Syndrome. I often feel like I don’t “fit in” because relating to people is challenging for me. However, I’ve started learning British Sign Language, and I love it. It is literal, logical, and has grey areas. Deaf people are very direct, too. I also have a photographic memory, which I haven’t found to be much use… until now. I learn new signs extremely fast. Even my deaf teacher struggles to keep pace. In class, we are learning about countries. This roleplay happens in front of the class, in BSL.)

Classmate #1: “Where are you going on holiday?”

Me: “New Scotland.”

Classmate #1: “What?”

Me: *slowly in BSL and English* “New Scotland, Canada: Nova Scotia.”

Classmate #1: *confused*

Teacher: “If you want to say two countries, you need to say, ‘and.’ Scotland A-N-D Canada.”

Classmate #2: *in English and BSL* “He didn’t say Scotland; I think he means New England and Canada.”

(I am extremely confused. The signs for England and Scotland are very different and unmistakable. I have no idea where she got “New England” from. As for my teacher, he didn’t have a clear view, and missed the sign “new.” He thinks I mean Scotland and Canada. I can’t get it across in BSL, so I resort to English.)

Me: “No, I signed literally, ‘New Scotland.’ That means Nova Scotia in Canada, which is Latin for ‘New Scotland.’ In most languages, including BSL, Nova Scotia is translated literally. I saw it last week from an interpreter on TV.”

Teacher: “Oh. Nothing wrong with the sign, but maybe we’ll keep it at the right level for the exam?”

(I continue to learn BSL extremely fast. One day I hope to qualify as an interpreter.)

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