Violently Protesting Against Sex On TV

, , , , , | Related | October 20, 2017

For a few months in the early eighties, my husband and I lived with his parents. They had only one television, and often wanted to watch different channels. On one such night, Mom wanted to watch a slightly raunchy primetime soap opera, while Dad voted for a boxing match.

They decided to drag my husband and me into the debate. I was working on a paper for one of my college classes, so I didn’t really care, but did express an aversion to the violence of boxing.

For some reason, Dad decided the debate was over. As he changed the channel he said, “Violence is better than sex any day.”

We all just stared at him until he realized what he’d said. His embarrassment and bumbling explanations made the rest of us laugh until we cried.

Top Marks In Any Language

, , , , , | Learning | October 20, 2017

I am a college teacher at a school that has a lot of international students. I have decided to try giving my students online quizzes this semester.  

After a particular quiz, one of my international students comes up to me, complaining that she has answered every question correctly, but was marked wrong. I log into the system we use to administer these quizzes to look at her quiz. I quickly identify the problem: she answered the yes/no questions correctly… in Portuguese.

I gave her full credit and asked her to use English for these quizzes in the future.

The Last “G” Is Silent

, , , , , | Working | October 19, 2017

(I am at a bagel place and have just placed my order.)

Employee: “Can I get your name for the order?”

Me: “Gregory.”

Employee: “We can only fit six letters. Can I put ‘Greg?’”

Me: “Sure.”

Employee: “Is there one ‘G’ or two in that?”

Me: “One.”

(A few minutes later:)

Other Employee: “Order for Gre! Order for Gre!” *he pronounces this “gree,” like “tree”*

Me: “Do you mean Greg?”

First Employee: “You said Greg with one ‘G.’ That’s what I put.”

For When Your Brain Just Goes Ker-Chunk

, , , , | Working | October 19, 2017

(I work in a small retail store, in which we have a manual “sticker gun” that we use to create price labels for merchandise. You set the price, pull a trigger, and a price label comes out. Due to the noise it makes every time you pull the trigger, my coworker and I start calling it the “ker-chunker” and the labels in it are always referred to as “doo-hickeys.” We always know exactly what we mean when one of us says to the other “hand me the ker-chunker,” but we get weird looks from customers, which is expected. My coworker calls the supply company to order more labels. She gets on the phone with the supply rep, and completely freezes.)

Coworker: “I need… some doo-hickeys. For my ker-chunker.”

Rep: *without missing a beat* “Oh. Labels for your price gun? What size?”

Coworker: *amazed* “How on earth did you do that?!”

Colourful Language

, , , , , | Friendly | October 19, 2017

(I’m chatting with a group of friends about a TV show.)

Friend #1: “So, that fat black guy on the plane and—”

Me: “You mean Abraham?”

Friend #1: “I guess.”

(After a while…)

Friend #1: “He’s a pretty tough guy, that black one.”

Friend #2: “His name is Abraham.”

Friend #1: “Yeah, okay.”

(Continuing on…)

Friend #1: “So, that fat black guy’s a father now.”

Me & Friend #2: “Abraham…”

([Friend #1] refers to everyone else by their names, except the only black guy in the main cast, also the only one who is plump. Really?)

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