Who’s Keeping County?

, , , , , | Learning | December 15, 2017

(There are a few minutes left before class starts, and people are slowly entering the room.)

Classmate: “Hey, [My Name], you’re from Louisiana, right?”

Me: “Yeah?”

Classmate: “You guys call counties ‘parishes,’ right?”

Me: “Nope.”

Classmate: “No?”

Me: “No, everyone else calls parishes ‘counties.’”

Classmate: *rolls eyes*

(The professor, who’d been listening, cracked an evil grin. I felt very proud of myself.)

Will Give You A Good Whiterun For Your Money

, , , , , | Related | December 14, 2017

(My brother is playing “Skyrim” and I’m looking at my phone. Note that I wear glasses and he doesn’t.)

Brother: “I have too much stuff!”

Me: “Sell some, then.”

Brother: “No, I need it all! I bought a house to store it, but I can’t find where it is! The guy said it has a saddle on it.”

Me: “What? A saddle? Are you sure?”

(We look and look, but it turns out that he has bought a horse! I laugh and laugh for ages.)

Me: “And you’re always saying that I have bad eyesight! Time for you to go to the doctor. Blind as a bat!”

Brother: “Shut up.”

A Sex Pool That Accepts Both Genders

, , , , , , | Related | December 13, 2017

(I am a bisexual woman. This has never been a problem, as I live in a very accepting community and my family is great about it. However, my coming out was rather funny. Note: my dad and I are extreme morning people, while my mom is most decidedly not and requires her coffee before she is remotely functional.)

Dad: “So, you’re bisexual?”

Me: “Yup. Is that a problem?”

Dad: “Of course not. Just keep in mind that the rules for dates still apply, whether you date a man or a woman.”

Me: “I know!”

(My mom walks in. It is approximately 6:15 in the morning, and she has had no caffeine.)

Mom: *grunts*

Me: “Good morning to you, too!”

Dad: “[My Name], don’t you think you should tell your mom what you just told me?”

Me: “Mom, I’m bisexual.”

Mom: *grunts, drinks coffee*

Me: “Okay, then.”

(One hour later:)

Mom: “Hey, honey, what did you try to tell me earlier? I can’t remember.”

Me: “I’m bisexual.”

Mom: “Oh, you are? Good! I was worried there for a second!”

Me: “Why?”

Mom: “I thought you said you were in a sex pool!”

(Yes, this conversation really happened, and yes, this is a common occurrence. I just generally don’t say anything important before she’s had her coffee, anymore.)

Chipzendazzled

, , , , , | Working | December 13, 2017

(I am driving home from the grocery shopping when I realize I forgot to buy salsa. I stop at a well-known 24-hour convenience store to grab some.)

Employee: “Can I help you find something today?”

Me: “Yeah, I was looking for salsa but I wasn’t able to find any.”

Employee: *blank look*

Me: “I was looking for salsa but I couldn’t find it on the shelves. What section would that be in?”

Employee: “Pasta sauce? Over this way.”

Me: “No, sorry, I saw the pasta sauce, but I was looking for salsa.”

Employee: *blank look, then brings me over to the pasta sauce*

Me: “Um, sorry, I saw this but I wasn’t looking for pasta sauce I was looking for salsa.”

Employee: “Oh, like chipzend?”

Me: “Huh?”

Employee:Chipzendzaza!”

Me: *realizing she is saying “chips and salsa” but thinks it’s one word* “Yeah.”

Employee: “Oh, we don’t have any chipzendzaza here.”

Me: “Okay, thanks.”

(I grabbed some salsa at another store on my way home.)

Time To Hippity Hoppity Out Of There

, , | Working | December 13, 2017

(After tiredly slumping into a booth in the employee lunchroom, I end up accidentally eavesdropping on a group of exhausted workers in the booth behind me. One of them has decided to cheer himself up with the first thing he can think of, rhyming random phrases.)

Employee: “Bippity Boppity, women are property!” *his eyes bulge as he realizes what he has just said*

Female Coworker: *trying to hold back her laughter* “Generally, I say the opposite when trying to cheer myself up!”

Page 1/5012345...Last
Next »