Will Never Look Back Again

, , , , | Right | November 20, 2018

(I work on the retail side of a pharmacy, usually stocking shelves or helping customers. One day a young lady, maybe 19 or 20, approaches me, clearly embarrassed.)

Customer: *whispering* “Do you have, um, like, douches, but, um, for, like, the…” *I can now barely hear her* “…butt?”

Me: *stifling laughter* “Enema. The word you’re looking for is ‘enema,’ and yes, over this way.”

(I will forever call them “butt douches” from now on.)

This Story Has Some Darker Connotations

, , , , | Right | November 19, 2018

(I’m the customer in this story. I am Caucasian, of Irish and Scottish descent, and have extremely pale skin.)

Me: “Hi. Do you have melanin?”

Pharmacy Worker: “Sorry?”

Me: “Melanin, do you guys carry it?”

Pharmacy Worker: “No, I don’t think so.”

Me: “Drat, are you sure? My doctor told me I should get some before I went on my trip.”

Pharmacy Worker: “I don’t think it works like that.”

Me: “With respect, I’m going to listen to my doctor about how to treat my jet lag.”

Pharmacy Worker: “Jet lag? OH! You mean melatonin!

Me: “Yes! Wait, did I say, ‘melanin’? Oh, my God, oops.”

(Melatonin is a sleep-related hormone you can buy over the counter in Canada; melanin is the compound that darkens your skin when you tan. I may be a bit short on melanin, but I wasn’t expecting to buy it at the pharmacy!)

What’s The Chinese Word For “Owned”?

, , , , , | Friendly | November 19, 2018

(My friend is a very attractive woman who likes to dress nicely, but when this happens she has been going through a rough patch. She’s not wearing nice clothes, nor wearing any jewellery or makeup. She also has red, swollen eyes from crying. I’m taking her to have dinner at her favourite restaurant to cheer her up, when a group of Chinese girls gets on the same bus we’re riding and stands right in front of where we’re sitting. I have been studying Chinese for four years. This takes place in Chinese.)

Chinese Girl #1: “Oh, God… Look at that girl in the black shirt. She looks awful.”

Chinese Girl #2: *laughs* “Yeah… Why did she go out like this? She’s so ugly.”

Chinese Girl #1: “Look at her friend, though. He looks nice.”

Chinese Girl #3: *to me* “Hey, handsome. Don’t pay attention to that ugly girl. Come with us.”

(They all begin to laugh, thinking no one has understood anything they’ve said.)

Me: *in Chinese* “No, thanks. Being with her, what would I need someone like any of you for?”

(The three girls stared at me before one of them asked if I understood all that they said. I nodded, and they all turned a bright red colour I never even knew people could get. They moved to the back of the bus and tried to avoid eye contact with me.)

Harry Potter Has A Sister

, , , , | Right | November 18, 2018

I was at the doctor’s office for my appointment, and I just got finished. When my Mom and I were up at the desk to schedule another appointment, the receptionist was on the phone. I don’t know how the conversation started, but the receptionist thought the person on the other end said “cellar.” After a few times, saying “cellar,” she realized that they said “SHOWER.”

So, she stated to the person, “Well, that probably explains why you were confused, when I said, ‘I hope you’re feeding her down there…'”

Somehow Seriously Suggestive Sentences

, , , , , | Romantic | November 18, 2018

(My boyfriend and I have a tricky arrangement where he works almost two hours away and stays there rather than commuting every day. He usually comes home for a long weekend, but something comes up and he has to stay for two weeks.)

Me: “I wish you were here. For snuggling. And smooching.”

Boyfriend: *laughs* “And other things that begin with S?”

Me: “Slow-dancing?”

Boyfriend: “No, the other thing.”

Me: “Supper by candlelight?”

Boyfriend: “Noooo…”

Me: “A sweet sunset stroll, holding handssssssss?”

Boyfriend: “Good alliteration, but no, try again.”

Me: “Wait, did I already say smooching?”

Boyfriend: “Yes.”

Me: “What about esssssssss-kimo kisses?”

Boyfriend: “Wow.”

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