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We’d Love To Cut Your Lawn, But—

| Right | June 28, 2012

(I’m attempting to let a customer know via telephone that we want to treat their yard the next day.)

Me: “Hi this is—”

Customer: “What?”

Me: “Hi, this is—”

Customer: “What?”

Me: “Th—”

Customer: “What?”

Me: *quickly* “This is [lawn care company] calling.”

Customer: “Oh, yes.”

Me: “We’d like to put down an application tomorrow.”

Customer: “Does it need to be mowed first?”

Me: “No, it d—”

Customer: “What?”

Me: “No, it d—”

Customer: “What?”

Me: “N—”

Customer: “You’re cutting out.”

Me: “I—”

Customer: “WHY DO YOU KEEP CUTTING OUT?!”

Me: “Because you keep talking over me.”

Customer: “I do what?”

Me: “You keep t—”

Customer: “I do no such thing!”


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Accusations Wood Require Hard Proof

| Right | June 13, 2012

(My landscaping company gets an early job at 7:45 AM at a residence. While starting on the lawn, the customer suddenly comes barging out of his house. It’s obvious that he’s just woken up.)

Customer: “DO YOU BASTARDS KNOW WHAT TIME IT IS?! It’s 7:45! I said show up at 8:45!”

(Note: the customer is wearing sweat pants and has some REALLY bad morning wood going on.)

Boss: “Sir, you said 7:45. We talked about this two days ago.”

(As my boss says this, all of the workers are trying not to laugh at the customer’s morning wood.)

Customer: “Screw you! I knew what I asked for! I will show you I wrote it down!”

(A couple of moments later, he comes back out wearing an embarrassed face.)

Customer: “I got the time wrong. Sorry…” *goes back inside, still with morning wood*


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Welcome To The Expiration Generation

| Right | June 2, 2011

(A customer is paying by credit card over the telephone.)

Me: “And the expiration date of the card?”

Customer: “3 of 11.”

Me: “So, it’s expired then?”

Customer: “Why, is that a problem?”

The Problem With Dirty Words

, , , | Right | August 2, 2010

Me: “How can I help you?”

Caller: “Is this a joke?”

Me: “Pardon me?”

Caller: “Your company just did some landscaping for us and the dirt that you put in is dirty.”

Me: “I’m sorry?”

Caller: “The dirt is dirty.”

Me: “Is there trash or rocks in the dirt?”

Caller: “No, the dirt is just really dirty.”

Me: “So you want us to come out and replace the dirty dirt with clean dirt?”

Caller: “Yes, and I need it done as soon as possible. I don’t want it to make the rest of my dirt dirty, too.”


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Digging Your Tree Out Of A Hole

, , , | Right | September 28, 2009

(I’m a landscaper paying a visit to a customer; he had called in complaining about a 5-foot sapling I had planted that is now dying.)

Me: “What’s up with the tree?”

Customer: “It died, see? Lemme show you!”

(I follow the customer back to his lawn and notice that the sapling we planted a couple of weeks ago was now apparently two feet tall and very dead.)

Me: “Sir, what happened to this?”

Customer: “It was going to get too tall so I decided to bury it deeper.”

Me: “You buried it deeper?”

Customer: “I dug it out, dug a deeper hole until it was the right height and then buried it again. Now it’s dead!”

Me: “Sir, you do know you weren’t supposed to do that, right? If you wanted a smaller tree, you should have gotten a shrub.”

Customer: “But I want a small plum tree!”


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