Your Garden-Variety Idiot

, , , , , | Right | August 31, 2018

Me: “[Gardening Service]. Can I help you?”

Older Lady: “Yes, some sheep have got into my garden. I need you to come and get them out.”

Me: “Well, really you would need to call the farmer. Do you know where they came from?”

Older Lady: “No, but they’re in my garden. You’re a gardener. Fix it!”

(I popped round and shooed them out for her, but seriously, if they got into her car, would she call a mechanic?)

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Their Understanding Is Clipped

| Working | April 19, 2017

(We have a new hire this season. While he’s a nice person, he lacks common sense and basically has to be retrained on everything every day. We’re on site and running underground conduit for our lines. He’s been known to not pay attention or follow directions, we’re all trying to get on him about it.)

Me: “So [Foreman] said to use clips for this, right?”

New Hire: *instantly* “No, no, no, we’re not using them.”

Me: *already fully aware of the answer because I heard him say it* “Hey, [Foreman], you said to clip this right?”

Foreman: “Yep!”

New Hire: “Oh, oh, yeah I guess he did say that.”

(This is constant with him… We’re hoping he doesn’t last much longer.)

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Shining A Light On Your Deception

, | Working | September 10, 2016

(We have a new hire this season. While he’s a nice guy, he lacks common sense and basically has to be retrained on everything every day. He’s also known to be less than truthful to coworkers and clients. On this particular day, we’re performing spring maintenance on one of our systems.)

New Hire: “So I checked everything in the back and everything works.”

Me: “The lights over the BBQ were all good too?”

New Hire: “Yeah I saw them all on.”

(At this point, the client has asked me to take a look at a receptacle that is near the BBQ, but completely unrelated to our system.)

Me: *sticking voltmeter into outlet* “It doesn’t have power, but it could be on the same breaker as your pool equipment. I’d say once that’s up and running for the season, check it again. If it still isn’t working we can take a deeper look.”

New Hire: *has zero idea what I’m talking about* “Oh, there’s no power there? That would be why those lights didn’t come on.”

Me: “You said you checked everything and it all worked…”

New Hire: “Well, yeah, but these ones aren’t working now because you said there isn’t power in that outlet.”

Me: “That outlet has nothing to do with our system. Did the lights work or not?”

New Hire: “Well, since you said that wasn’t working I wanted to make it sound like the lights weren’t either because there was no power.”

Me: “You still didn’t answer me. Were the lights on or not? You either lied to me or the client and neither one is acceptable.”

New Hire: “Dude why are we even talking about this?”

(He couldn’t understand why I was upset about him being dishonest. I checked the lights myself, something I planned to do regardless. Lo and behold, they worked just fine.)

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Getting That Friday Feeling

| Working | November 18, 2015

(At the end of the day me, my boss, and one of my coworkers are standing around talking. My boss rarely takes any time off from work.)

Boss: “I’m taking Monday, Tuesday, and Wednesday off next week.”

Me: “I have Wednesday, Thursday, Friday off. I guess I won’t see you next week.”

Boss: “Yeah, it’ll be nice.”

Me: “Gee, thanks, [Boss].”

Boss: “No, not like that! I mean it’ll be nice that I finally have some vacation time!”

(Cue my coworker and I cracking up. We knew what he meant, and we all had a good laugh about it.)

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Set Fire To The Rain

| Romantic | February 8, 2015

(My brother, who is a landscaper, comes home to his wife.)

Wife: “How was work?”

Brother: “Somehow, we set an artificial waterfall on fire.”

Wife: “…do I want to know how that happened?”

Brother: “No.”

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