Home Is Where The Heartfelt Complaints Are

, , , , | Friendly | May 24, 2018

(I live in a house divided into three apartments. The largest is occupied by the homeowner, the upstairs apartment is occupied by the owner’s 20-something son and his girlfriend, and my husband and I rent the smaller, downstairs apartment below them. My husband has known the family for years, hence the good price; however, I am viewed as “the outsider” and often end up at the center of any gossip. The homeowner’s son and his girlfriend have been pushing to kick me out so that the apartment can be rented to one of their friends. Because of this, I make it a point to keep my head down, and try to be as polite as possible. I always get a kick out of hearing the latest gossip about what I’m doing.)

Husband: “So, [Homeowner’s Son] says that you’ve been spying on them through the windows.”

Me: “Oh, the bedroom windows with the blackout curtains? Or the living room windows that look out into the woods? Wait! I know! It’s the bathroom window isn’t it? The one that’s too high for me to see out of, and has the blinds?”

Husband: “Oh, and they say you spy on them on the porch. You’re always out there.”

Me: “You mean where I enter and exit through the front door?”

Husband: “Exactly.” *joking* “You’re not allowed to have a life. Just stay in your box. And no more windows.”

(Later:)

Me: “I ran into [Homeowner’s Son] in the driveway. He was working on his truck. He asked me for a jump, but I didn’t have any jumper cables.”

Husband: “I heard. He threw a fit to [Homeowner] that you’re bragging that your car works. He then threw a fit that you’re blocking the driveway and he can’t get out. He wants you to start parking up against the front door to our apartment.”

Me: “On the porch? What about [Homeowner]’s car? Or yours? His truck doesn’t even run.”

(It’s a very large driveway, with two entrances; it curves around the front of the house and then into the back. I’ve been parking in the same spot for almost ten months.)

Husband: “Yeah. Nothing said about that.”

(I continue parking where I always have. Another time:)

Husband: “[Homeowner’s Son’s Girlfriend] complained that she could hear inappropriate sounds coming from our bedroom the other night.”

Me: “But we just got back from [vacation] last night. Nobody was here.”

Husband: “I know. [Homeowner] called her out on it, and she got upset and ran off.”

(A few weeks later, I’ve picked up a box of a dozen donuts on my way home. As I’m unlocking my door, the son and girlfriend come outside and see me. As I get the door open, I wave hello, smile, then head inside, closing the door behind me.)

Husband: “[Homeowner’s Son] and his girlfriend threw a tantrum to [Homeowner], saying that you’re being unneighborly and rude. They said you bragged about your donuts, then didn’t invite them in to have any.”

Me: “Gee, I wonder why.”

(Nothing ever comes of their complaints.)

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A Mental Rental

, , , , | Working | May 15, 2018

(I am looking at a local ad website for a place that my boyfriend and I can rent. One apartment has an unusually low, but still believable price, so I call the poster.)

Me: “Hi, is the apartment on [Street] still available?”

Landlord: “Yes, let me tell you a little about it. There’s a separate entrance, laundry and kitchen on the main floor—”

Me: “Oh, I’m sorry, is this a shared house?” *the listing just said “apartment”*

Landlord: “It’s a basement apartment with a completely separate entrance. Do you want to come by and see it?”

Me: “Sorry, we’re really looking for a private apartment or house. Thank you for your time, though.”

Landlord: “No, no! It’s got its own entrance! What’s wrong with a basement apartment?”

Me: “Nothing, it’s just that I’m looking for my boyfriend and me, and our dog. You probably only want a single renter.”

Landlord: “Oh, yes, no dogs! I’m allergic! And no men. Women only!”

Me: “Right, so, we’re looking for our own place. Thank you for your—”

Landlord: “You should move in here, and the dog can stay with the boyfriend. It’s very affordable.”

Me: “Um… No, we live together.”

Landlord: “You shouldn’t live together before you’re married, anyway! When would you like to come see it?”

Me: “No, thank you.” *hangs up as quickly as possible*

(The room is still posted on the same site. Still says nothing about it being the basement in her house, or that pets aren’t welcome, or that it’s women only.)

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Tiles And Cats And Ants, Oh My

, | Working | January 6, 2016

(My boyfriend and I are moving out of our trailer, and the landlord comes with us to inspect it before we get our deposit back. From the start, we realize he is going to be difficult with us.)

Landlord: “Why is the bathroom door crooked? And part of a tile is missing from the floor!”

Me: “The bathroom door was put on by the maintenance guy; we haven’t tried moving it. And the tile was missing when we moved in. It should be marked somewhere.”

Landlord: “Well… there’s cat hair all over the carpet! You didn’t even pay a pet deposit!”

Boyfriend: “…because we don’t own a cat? I don’t see any hair on the carpet.”

Landlord: “There’s ants everywhere!”

(There is a well-known ant problem in the trailer park, which management refuses to fix.)

Boyfriend: “It’s the same for all of the other trailers here…”

Landlord: “Ugh, fine, it’s good enough. I’ll get your d*** deposit.”

(We got it back in full.)

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A Very Low-Rent Girl

| Right | May 25, 2015

(I work as a representative for a landlord as he has many apartment buildings. I collect the rent and deliver it to him. I deal with any problems that the residents have. I also deal with people whose rent is overdue. I am speaking with a young woman.)

Me: “Do you realise that your rent is one month overdue?”

Woman: “Oh, I’m sorry. I didn’t realize; can I pay it now?”

(I go to get a form for her. When I come back, she is lying on the desk, completely naked.)

Woman: “Is this enough to pay my rent?”

Me: “If you put your clothes on right now I will pretend this didn’t happen.”

(She walks up to me.)

Me: “Miss, I recommend you put your clothes on right now or I will have to contact the landlord.”

Woman: “Oh, come on. I know you want it.”

Me: “Miss, there is a security camera in the corner.”

(She looked up, screamed and calls me a pervert, and then ran out of my office. A few seconds later she ran back in, grabbed her clothes, and ran out again.)

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