Every Bulb Goes Out Eventually

, , , , | Right | April 4, 2018

(An elderly customer comes up to the service desk with a light bulb in his hand. It’s one of those new, long-lasting, compact fluorescent bulbs.)

Customer: “I need to return this.”

Me: “Okay. Was there something wrong with it?”

Customer: “No, but it says that it lasts for 14 years. I’m not going to live that long!”

Getting Crabby About The Meat

, , , , , | Right | March 21, 2018

(I am working as a bartender in a large chain restaurant. I have a customer who is perusing the appetizer menu.)

Customer: “Do you guys make your seafood nachos with real crab meat?”

Me: *smiling ruefully* “No, they are actually made with imitation crab meat.”

Customer: *victoriously* “So, you can’t really call them, ‘seafood nachos,’ can you?”

Me: “Well, sir, the imitation crab meat is Alaskan Pollock, so yeah, we pretty much can.”

Customer: *hmph*

Gotta Be On Someone’s Bucket List

, , , , , | Friendly | March 13, 2018

(This happens when I’m being babysat by a neighbor. My parents have been reupholstering our kitchen chairs, so the seats of all of them are detached and sitting loose on the chairs. I curiously lift up one of the seats.)

Babysitter: *watching me* “Wow, that lifts up? That’s cool. It’s like a toilet! In fact, you could probably use it as a toilet. Just lift that up and put a bucket under there, and you could go to the bathroom while you’re eating supper!”

The Wrong Answers Are The Most Delicious

, , , , | Learning | February 8, 2018

(This happens in a sixth-grade math class.)

Teacher: “Make sure you only combine like terms. Terms that are different are like apples and oranges. If you combine them, you end up with fruit salad instead of the answer.”

Making An Explosive Discovery

, , , , , , , | Learning | January 26, 2018

(We are in middle school.)

Teacher: “Your body is constantly creating new blood cells.”

Student: “So, would you, like, explode if you never cut yourself?”