Doesn’t Hold A Candle To What They Said

, , , , , | Related | June 4, 2018

(This happens when my sister and I are kids. My sister has just learned how to light matches and is very proud of herself.)

Sister: *to our mom* “Can I light a candle and send it to [Aunt] to show her how good I am at it?”

Me: “That would be dangerous. You should freeze the candle before you send it so it doesn’t catch the box on fire.”

(As best as I recall, neither of us was joking.)

Unfiltered Story #113073

, , , | | Unfiltered | May 29, 2018

(A customer comes up to the service desk with a half-eaten jerky stick in his hand.)

Customer: “I’d like a refund on this, please!”

Me: “Okay. Was there something wrong with it?”

Customer: “Most disgusting thing I ever put in my mouth. Honestly, it was like chewing on a testicle!”

Every Bulb Goes Out Eventually

, , , , | Right | April 4, 2018

(An elderly customer comes up to the service desk with a light bulb in his hand. It’s one of those new, long-lasting, compact fluorescent bulbs.)

Customer: “I need to return this.”

Me: “Okay. Was there something wrong with it?”

Customer: “No, but it says that it lasts for 14 years. I’m not going to live that long!”

Getting Crabby About The Meat

, , , , , | Right | March 21, 2018

(I am working as a bartender in a large chain restaurant. I have a customer who is perusing the appetizer menu.)

Customer: “Do you guys make your seafood nachos with real crab meat?”

Me: *smiling ruefully* “No, they are actually made with imitation crab meat.”

Customer: *victoriously* “So, you can’t really call them, ‘seafood nachos,’ can you?”

Me: “Well, sir, the imitation crab meat is Alaskan Pollock, so yeah, we pretty much can.”

Customer: *hmph*

Gotta Be On Someone’s Bucket List

, , , , , | Friendly | March 13, 2018

(This happens when I’m being babysat by a neighbor. My parents have been reupholstering our kitchen chairs, so the seats of all of them are detached and sitting loose on the chairs. I curiously lift up one of the seats.)

Babysitter: *watching me* “Wow, that lifts up? That’s cool. It’s like a toilet! In fact, you could probably use it as a toilet. Just lift that up and put a bucket under there, and you could go to the bathroom while you’re eating supper!”

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