The Adventures Of Cowboy And Chihuahua

, , , , , | | Right | August 15, 2019

(I am nineteen, working in a popular pizza chain. There is no dining room, so it’s delivery or carry-out only. An animated, cowboy-looking man staggers in with a Chihuahua in his arms.)

Cowboy: “I got an order for [Cowboy].”

Me: “I’ve got that right here. That’ll be [total].”

(At this point, the man sets the Chihuahua down right on our front counter, and it immediately begins running up and down all over our foodservice counter while he gets his money.)

Me: “Sir? Your dog got free…”

Cowboy: “He’s fine. Just curious.”

Me: “…”

Cowboy: “Here, I’ll get the little guy. Can you help carry my pizza to my car?”

Me: *wanting him out* “Absolutely!”

(We walk out to a large SUV and he gestures to the passenger seat.)

Cowboy: “Just right in there.”

(I’m thinking that the dog will soon be climbing all over the pizza, too, when I open the door to find six empty bottles of Jim Beam bourbon in the footwell. We’re talking all bottles a pint or larger.)

Cowboy: “Thanks for the help!”

(He goes careening out of the parking lot, tires squealing. I head back inside.)

Me: *to manager* “He let that dog run all over our counter, and his car is full of empty liquor bottles. Should we maybe call the police?”

Manager: “I already pulled him up on the computer. He only lives three blocks away. I don’t know why he didn’t walk. He should be fine.”

Me: *pause* “I’m going to go sanitize the counter now.”

When You See Books As Distractions, You Need To Reprioritize  

, , , , , , , | | Working | August 12, 2019

(A friend and I walk into a large, popular furniture warehouse, looking for a bookshelf.)

Me: “Look, the books are shelved backward!”

Friend: “That’s weird!”

Me: “Don’t know how that could happen.” *picks up some books, which are mainly old Readers Digest collections*

Friend: “Must be a mistake.”

(I start turning books with the spine out; my friend takes the next shelf and does the same.)

Employee: “Excuse me, but I’m the designer here, and I need you to stop doing that.”

Me: “We just noticed these books were backward.”

Employee: “We do that on purpose. This way we don’t have to match colors.”

Me: “I assumed someone just shoved them on… probably someone who doesn’t read…”

Employee: “It’s part of the design. I don’t want the books to distract from the furniture.”

Me: “I can’t see the furniture because the books are so weird. But sorry for interfering!”

(My friend and I left, giggling like schoolgirls.)

How To Confuse A Retail Worker: Be Nice

, , , , | Right | February 12, 2019

(I’m shopping for clothes at a popular superstore. I’ve just tried on a few items, and all but one of them fit. The dressing room attendant sees me coming out of the dressing room with an armful of clothes and meets me at the counter.)

Attendant: “How’d it go? Anything you’re thinking about keeping?”

Me: “Yeah! Most of them were good, but the jacket was a little tight, so I think that one’s going to go back.”

Attendant: *reaching for the jacket* “I’ll take that one, then!”

Me: “Oh, don’t worry about it. It’s just on that rack—“ *points to a nearby display* “—over there, so I can go hang it up for you.”

(Another attendant has returned to grab more go-backs, and sees me put the jacket back in the correct spot on the display.)

Attendant: *shocked face* “Oh, um, okay? Thank you? I don’t… What?”

Second Attendant: “Hey! I like you! You should shop here more often!”

Me: “I used to work in retail; I’ve done my fair share of go-backs!”

Second Attendant: “Ah, that explains why you’re treating us like human beings, instead of robots designed to pick up clothes!”

Attendant: “Thank you!”

(It’s not that hard to be nice to retail workers, folks. A little kindness goes a long way!)

That’s Exactly How Contracts Work

, , , , , | Right | February 10, 2018

(I’m a leasing agent for a large community. We often go through the lease paperwork with new tenants that have been working with a different agent previously. On this occasion, I have completed the lease signing and am going through the move-in information, including the first payment.)

Me: “Okay, everything is all set. I just need your certified check for move-in. Your total is $900.00.”

Tenant: “What? The other guy said I only owed $500 for the first month’s rent!”

Me: “Yes, your monthly rent is $500, but you are moving in mid-month, so you actually owe the remainder of this month, plus next month.”

Tenant: “But that’s not what he said!”

(I show him the paperwork that clearly states that if you are moving in mid-month, you will have a prorated charge.)

Tenant: “But that’s not fair! I shouldn’t have to pay that!”

Me: “I’m really sorry if you misunderstood when you leased the apartment, but you do need to pay for the days you live here.”

Tenant: “You are stealing from me! You liar. I’m going to call corporate and get you fired!”

Me: “I’m really sorry you feel that way, but again, you signed the paperwork, and you can’t live here for free.”

Tenant: “Well, f*** you, b****! I guess I’ll just have to read things before I sign them, since you’re all a bunch of liars!”

Me: “Umm, yeah. I actually would recommend reading things before you sign them.”

Putting The List Into Listening

, , , , , , | Working | June 9, 2017

(Everyone in our office has a daily quota of calls we need to make. Because we are often very busy with other tasks, if one of us is falling behind that day others who are less busy will help each other reach their quota.)

Supervisor: *recently promoted* “Hey, [Coworker] is behind on her calls and is helping some volunteers right now. I need you to help with her calls.”

Me: “I actually spoke with her 20 minutes ago and am helping with her list right now.”

Supervisor: “Whatever you are working on isn’t a priority right now. You already finished your calls today and she needs help.”

Me: “Yeah, I’m doing that. This is her list I’m calling through right now.”

Supervisor: “I didn’t ask for excuses. Go get a list from [Coworker] and help her out. End of discussion!”

(That supervisor oversaw three different offices and interestingly enough whichever one she was physically in at the time always ended up with the worst production that day.)