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Patty And Selma Go Cruising

, , , | Right | October 22, 2009

(Back when I was about seven years old, I used to have a lemonade stand. One day, these female customers in their late 40s drove up.)

Me: “Hi! Would you like to try some home-made lemonade? Only a dollar!”

Customer #1: “I’ll only have some if you have whiskey in it!”

Me: “Um, I don’t have any whiskey.”

Customer #2: “WE WANT WHISKEY!”

Me: “I’m sorry, I don’t have any whiskey.”

Customer #1: “Well, if you don’t have any whiskey, we are leaving!” *drives off*

Introducing The iKa-Chunk

, , , | Right | July 8, 2009

(A very elderly customer approaches me at my mobile phone kiosk.)

Customer: “Oh, these look nice. What are you selling?”

Me: “Mobile phones, ma’am. They’ll allow you to keep in touch with people, wherever you are.”

Customer: “Oh, this one looks lovely, nice, and slim! *unfolds it and holds it to her ear* “What’s this one called?”

Me: “That one is called a stapler, ma’am.”

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Will Stop Playing For Food

, , , , | Right | February 24, 2009

(It’s the end of the day on my mother’s hot dog cart, when I was about 17. We stop cooking and decide to hang up a sign selling the remaining cooked food 2-for-1. There’s an annoying guy that’s been badly playing the accordion next to our cart all day.)

Accordion Guy: “Closing, eh? I’d like four Italian sausage, two cheeseburgers, and two hot dogs!”

(My mom happily packs up the order into a box as I ring up the total.)

Me: “That’ll be $10.50.”

Accordion Guy: “What? No! It’s $4!”

Me: “Cheeseburgers are $3.50, sausage is $3, and hot dogs are $2. We’re having a special right now, but there’s still no way it adds up to only $4.”

Accordion Guy: “No! Your sign says two-for-one! Two things for one dollar! I got eight things, so it’s $4!”

Me: “That’s not at all what that sign means. It means you get two things for the price of one.”

Accordion Guy: “Yes it does! That’s exactly what it means!”

Me: “Sir, I wrote the sign myself. Several customers have come up to the cart in the last few minutes, and haven’t had any trouble with this concept.”

Accordion Guy: “It’s $4!”

Me: “You saying that doesn’t make it true.”

My Mom: *quietly, to me* “Whatever. If he’s eating, he can’t play the accordion!”

Me: “Sir, that will be $4, please!”

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Just Shut Up And Watch Your Movie

, , | Right | April 16, 2008

(A customer walks up to the movie theater concession stand.)

Me: “Hello, how can I help you?”

Customer: “Yes, I’d like a cinnamon pretzel, please.”

Me: “We don’t have any of those prepared right now, so it will be about five minutes. Is that okay?”

Customer: *pointing to the display case of pretzels* “Why can’t I have one of those?”

Me: “Oh, those are just for display. They’re covered in chemicals and have been there for ages.”

Customer: “So they’re not real pretzels?”

Me: “No, they’re real pretzels, just not really edible.”

Customer: “Well, you shouldn’t have them out if people can’t get them.”

Me: “We put the display case out so people can see what they’re like.”

Customer: “I still don’t understand why you have fake pretzels out instead of real ones.”

Me: “Look, even if you could eat those pretzels, look at the case; there’s no way to open it!”

Customer: “Fine. It still seems stupid to have fake pretzels.”

Even Bosses Have A Stupid Quota, Part 2

, , , | Right | January 28, 2008

Customer: “Do you serve crab cakes?”

Boss: “This is a hot dog stand.”

Customer: “So do you sell crab cakes?”

Boss: “We sell hot dogs, chips, and soda.”

Customer: “So do you have crab cakes?”

Boss: “No, we sell hot dogs, chips, and soda. Not crab cakes. Try a different stand.”

Customer: “How can you not have crab cakes! This is Tall Ships! Everyone has crab cakes!”

Boss: “Well, not us. Now there is an awfully long line behind you so can you please move along?”

Me: “Can I help the next person?”


Me: “Look around you, sir. There are seven people behind you, behind me, there are people making hot dogs, sausage, and peppers. Behind you, there is a crab cake stand. If you aren’t going to buy something other than hot dogs, please take your business somewhere else.”


Boss: “I don’t know what the hell was wrong with him, but if he talks to you like that again, I’m going to kick his a**.”

Me: *happy I have an awesome boss* “Thanks.”

Even Bosses Have A Stupid Quota