(My mom owns a coffee roasting company in northern Indiana. Once a year, we sell coffee at a booth at the county fair. My sister and I help her sell coffee and give out samples. A middle-aged man approaches me wanting a sample. For context, it’s important to know that stronger, more caffeinated blends are always our lighter roasts rather than our darker roasts simply because when the beans are roasted for longer it burns out a lot of the caffeine in the bean itself.)

Customer: “I need to try a cup of your strongest coffee ASAP.”

Me: “Absolutely!”

(I try explaining to him the process of how the beans are roasted to make stronger coffee — people tend to think darker roasts are stronger because of the taste — but he cuts me off mid-explanation.)

Customer: “I know about all that; I know my coffee, kid.”

Me: “Okay, good to know.” *hands him his cup* “There you go, sir. Have a good one!”

Customer: “Yeah, thanks.”

(As he starts to walk away, I see him sip the coffee, stop walking, and sip it again. He turns around and storms back to the booth, getting in my face.)

Customer: “What the h*** is wrong with you? Cut the bulls*** with me right now because I know this isn’t your strongest roast.”

Me: “Sir, I tried to explain to you that lighter roasts have the most caffeine; you said you wanted the strongest roast we had and that’s it right there.”

Customer: “Oh, right. Thanks.”

(He sipped one more time and just walked away.)

(I work at a cell phone kiosk and have been selling a new cell phone to a snooty and entitled customer. She has been rude the entire transaction but is thankfully finishing up her purchase.)

Me: “All right, ma’am, we’re almost done. Would you like some insurance on the phone? We have a plan where you can pay an extra $7.00 a month to secure your phone, or you can pay $95 upfront to have your phone insured for any damage — not covering loss or theft — for two years. It’s more money upfront but less in the long run.”

Customer: “Do I look like I need insurance?”

Me: *not realizing there was a look of someone not needing insurance* “I suppose not, ma’am. Here’s your phone and have a wonderful day.”

Customer: *already on her phone* “Yeah, yeah.”

(She turns on her heel and then immediately trips over from the turn and the phone slips from her grip, shattering the screen completely. It’s all I can do not to burst out laughing.)

Customer: “MY PHONE JUST BROKE! WHAT DO I DO NOW?!”

Me: “I could sell you a new phone?” 

Customer: “Do you honestly think I’m going to spend another $700 on another phone?!”

Me: “With the insurance, it only would’ve been $30.”

Customer: “Fine, let’s do that.”

Me: “I’m afraid you already declined the insurance and I just saw you break the phone yourself after the transaction was complete; there’s nothing I can do.”

(The woman screeched for a manager and tried to claim I’d broken her phone. The security cameras — which are from every possible angle — showed right away what had really happened. She threatened to call the police but nothing came of it. I have yet to see her return to the store.)

(As part of an awareness campaign, there are a few stands at a major public transit hub where people can get a quick, free medical check and advice on whether they are at risk for heart disease and so on. We are also handing out bottled water, hula hoops, and balls for kids to play with and take home while the adults are filling out questions, being measured, or talking with the nurses. All of us are wearing dark blue T-shirts with the company logo on them. Entirely unrelated, there are people handing out flyers about the swine flu vaccine. These people are wearing yellow T-shirts with another company’s logo on them. I am on my way to a break when an elderly man comes up to me, holding the pamphlet the other company is handing out.)

Elderly Man: “Okay, just give me the shot.”

Me: “I’m afraid we don’t give shots here. This is a medical check-up to see if you’re at risk for heart disease, diabetes, and so on.”

Elderly Man: “But you’re handing out these flyers, telling me I need to get a shot.”

Me: “Sir, those people are from a different company and, as you’ll read in the pamphlet, you have to make an appointment with your doctor and he’ll give you the vaccine.”

Elderly Man: “But you’re right here.”

Me: “Yes, but, again, we don’t have any shots here.”

Elderly Man: “But I need to get a shot!” *waving the flyer in my face*

Me: “I understand, sir, but you really need to call your doctor and make an appointment for that. We simply can’t help you here.”

Elderly Man: “You just want me to die!”

(I am working in a cell phone kiosk, within a store well known for its overly-exploitable return policy. All of the phone cases we carry are black, grey, or clear, and are one of three well-known brands. A woman approaches the counter carrying a thin, bright pink case.)

Customer: “Give me my money back! This garbage you sold me is broken!”

Me: “Is there an issue with your phone?”

Customer: “No! This case! Here’s my receipt!”

(She tosses a receipt at me. It does show one of the cases we sell for that phone, but they are completely different styles.)

Me: “I’m sorry, but I think there’s a misunderstanding. The case on your receipt is a different case than the one you’re holding. Do you have this case with you?”

Customer: “Excuse me?! This is the case your coworker sold me! I want you to give me my money back!”

(Seeing that this is already going nowhere, I grab the case we sell and open it for her, showing her the differences.)

Me: “This is the case on your receipt. See how the SKU matches up? This case is also [Brand] and so it says the name here on the side. I’m not sure where the case you’re holding came from.”

Customer: “It came from here! It’s been on my phone since day one! Look! It’s on my receipt!”

Me: “I’m very sorry, ma’am, but the item on your receipt is this other case. If you can find that, I’d be happy to return it.”

Customer: “Then you need to explain to me why it’s on my receipt!”

Me: “I have explained, ma’am. It’s not. These are different items. We have never sold that case, and so I cannot return it for you.”

Customer: “[Store] returns everything for me!”

Me: “If they were purchased here. This simply was not.”

Customer: “Your [slur] you have working here grabbed it right out from under there and gave it to me!”

Me: “The only way that would be possible is if he took it off of somebody else’s phone. Do you think that would be the case?”

Customer: “Probably! He took it and charged me! That’s what the [slur]s are all like!

Me: “Ma’am, I’m going to have to ask you to stop insulting my coworkers. You can come back when you find the case you purchased here.”

(She stormed off and went up front, where she complained about me and demanded a refund. I then had to repeat the whole conversation with returns management, who didn’t understand why I didn’t give her money for something we never sold her in the first place.)

(I work for tips as a balloon artist at a local arts market.)

Boy: “Excuse me. How much is a balloon?”

Me: “I work for tips.”

Boy: *looks confused*

Me: “That means you pay whatever you want.”

Boy: “Okay!” *runs off, returns a few minutes later* “Can you make me an octopus?”

Me: “Sure!” *makes balloon* “Here you go, sweetie.”

Boy: “Thank you! Here’s your tip!” *pulls out a huge, bigger-than-his-hand strawberry* “I don’t have any money, so I chose the biggest, bestest strawberry! Bye!” *runs off with octopus balloon*

This story is part of our “Florida Man” roundup! This is the last story in the roundup, but we have plenty of others you might enjoy!

23 Hilarious Stories About Customers Not Quite Getting July 4th!

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