Digging Yourself Into A Hole

, , , , | Right | April 11, 2019

(Since no one can see me when I’m taking orders in drive-thru, I like to joke around with customers who seem up to it. This almost gets me in trouble after one old man’s complicated order.)

Me: “So that’s [repeats complicated order]? Anything else?”

Customer: “Yeah, can you tell me what time [Coffee Chain’s namesake, a famous dead hockey player] gets in?”

Me: “Well, I’ll have to go dig him up for you.”

(All my coworkers with headsets whip around to stare at me in shock.)

Customer: *long, tense pause* “Huh. That’s a first.” *pulls up*

(Everyone cracks up, and I’m slightly afraid that I’ll get in trouble for such a morbid response. The customer gets to the window and I peek over shyly over the cashier’s shoulder. He and his wife are just about crying with laughter.)

Customer: “I ask that question at all the [Coffee Shop]s, you know, and no one has ever had such a quick, intelligent comeback. That made my day!”

(He left a dollar for a tip. Sometimes having a smart mouth pays off!)

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Not Very Helpful But It Is Humane

, , , , , | Right | December 20, 2018

(Pet stores in Canada have not sold dogs or cats for about six years. Some still sell rabbits, and most have guinea pigs, mice, gerbils, and rats. I work in a shoe store in the mall, and across from us there used to be a pet store, about ten years ago. A customer brings in his eight- or nine-year-old daughter one day, asking about the store.)

Customer: “Where is the pet store that used to be over there?”

Me: “Sorry, sir, there hasn’t been a pet store there for about ten years.”

Customer: “Oh, well, where can I find a pet store?”

Me: “There are a few in town. What are you looking for? Food?”

Customer: “No, I want animals. I told my daughter we could go see the puppies.”

Me: “Oh, well, I’m sorry, but pet stores don’t sell dogs or cats anymore. They do have gerbils or rabbits at the store down the road.”

Customer: “I don’t want rabbits; I want dogs! My daughter wants to see dogs!”

Me: “I’m sorry, but the only place in town to see puppies is at the humane society across town.”

Customer: “Well, that’s not helpful! Pet stores should sell puppies again! Why don’t they sell puppies?”

Me: “Because of over-breeding and puppy mills. They weren’t humane.”

Customer: “That’s ridiculous!”

(He turned around and stormed out, dragging his daughter after him.)

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Literally Defies Explanation

, , , , | Right | June 25, 2018

(My friend and I are selling tickets to a show at our university. A group of four women come in and order five tickets. We check them out and they wander over to merchandise on the other side of the hall. Several minutes later, a man walks by our table without buying a ticket. I flag him down when we finish dealing with the customer he had walked around.)

Me: “Sir, do you have a ticket?”

Customer: “Yes.”

(My friend and I look at one another.)

Friend: “I’m sorry, but we don’t remember you buying one from us.”

Customer: “But I didn’t.”

Me: “But you have a ticket?”

Customer: “Yes.”

Me: “Can I see it?”

Customer: “No.”

(My friend and I exchange another worried look.)

Me: “Sir, where is your ticket?”

Customer: *points across crowded lobby* “She has it over there.”

Me: *to friend* “Is he pointing towards [Staff Member]?”

Friend: “I have no idea.”

Customer: “[Unintelligible Name] has my ticket.”

Me: *to friend* “Do you know her?”

Friend: “No?”

Customer: “She has my ticket!”

(Awkward pause.)

Me: *to friend* “Waaaait… the group who bought five tickets.”

Customer: “Yes, my wife bought it!”

(Couldn’t just explain yourself, huh?)

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Barking About Parking

, , , , , , | Friendly | April 3, 2018

(I am picking up my girlfriend from her piano lesson. As I pull up to her piano teacher’s house, the car in the driveway next door starts reversing out into the street. Not wanting to get in the car’s way, I pull over to the side of the road and put the car in park. I text my girlfriend that I am here and sit down with the radio on, playing a game on my phone. After about a minute, I hear a knocking on my car window. I look out, and the car that pulled out before has reversed next to me, and a middle-aged woman has got out and is knocking on my window. I open the door a bit.)

Me: “Hi! What’s up?”

Woman: *screaming* “YOU CAN’T PARK HERE! THIS STREET IS NO PARKING!”

Me: *taken aback* “It’s okay; I’m just picking up my girlfriend.”

Woman: “WHICH HOUSE DOES SHE LIVE IN?”

(I point.)

Woman: “WELL, THEN, YOU SHOULD PARK IN THE DRIVEWAY!”

Me: “Okay.”

(She then jumps into her car and peels off down the street without another word. I check my phone; I have been stopped less than a minute at this point. I see that my girlfriend has texted me that she is coming out. Not thirty seconds later, the woman’s car comes tearing down the street at twice the speed limit, in reverse! She drives her car into the piano teacher’s driveway — blocking me off — leaps out of her car, runs up to the piano teacher’s door, and starts knocking furiously. Once the piano teacher opens the door, the woman starts screaming and cussing, mostly unintelligibly, about how I am parked illegally. By this time, I have pulled off the street into the only driveway available to me: the woman’s driveway. She sees me there, and her eyes almost bulge out of their sockets.)

Woman: “HE WASN’T PARKED THERE BEFORE! HE WAS PARKED ON THE STREET!”

Me: “I had to park here; you blocked off the driveway.”

Woman: “YOU CAN’T PARK ON THE STREET! YOU CAN’T PARK HERE! WHY DON’T YOU GO AWAY?!”

Me: *fed up* “You need to leave, right now, or I am going to call the police.”

(At that, she jumps back into her car and squeals off. My girlfriend and her piano teacher come out, looking shocked.)

Girlfriend: “What the heck was all that about? I couldn’t make sense of any of her screaming.”

Piano Teacher: “Yeah, she’s nuts. Luckily, she is almost never home. Plus, she always has her guests park on the street, sometimes for days at a time.”

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When You’re Drunk, Everything Is Vegan

, , , , , | Right | February 24, 2018

(I’m waiting in line for a pizza stand behind a pair of customers. Both of them appear to have one too many drinks in them. They are there to get dinner for their friend.)

Customer #1: “I think he’ll like the pepperoni pizza.”

Customer #2: “Yeah, but it has to be vegetarian. Do you know if pepperoni is vegetarian?”

Customer #1: “I don’t know. It might be.”

(They continue this discussion of whether or not pepperoni is vegetarian until they get to the front of the line.)

Customer #1: *to vendor* “Excuse me, is the pepperoni vegetarian?”

Vendor: “No, it is not.”

Customer #1: “Okay, I’ll have a slice of cheese, then.”

Vendor: “I’m sorry but we’re all out of cheese.”

Customer #1: “My friend is a strict vegan, so he can’t have pepperoni. Do you think it’ll be okay if I just take the pepperoni off?”

Vendor: “W—”

Customer #2: “Yeah! He won’t mind! If we take it all off and tell him it’s vegan, he should believe us!” *to vendor* “One slice of pepperoni pizza, please!”

Vendor: *brief pause* “Okay, that’ll be [price].”

(The friends pay and leave as I make my way to the front of the line.)

Me: *through laughter* “Do they know vegans can’t eat cheese, either?”

Vendor: “They’re about to find out!”

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