Almost Became PG For A Moment There

| Learning | April 5, 2016

(I teach kindergarten and also monitor the playground during recess. Two of my students get into an argument. Neither is being violent, so I decide not to interfere but keep an eye on them just in case. They were originally fighting over who was more deserving of the title “king of the world” but it eventually devolved into both children flinging what they consider to be insults.)

Boy #1: “You’re a meany!”

Boy #2: “You’re a bossy boots!”

Boy #1: “You’re a poo-face!”

Boy #2: “You’re stupid-head!”

Boy #1: “You’re an ugly booger-bum!”

Boy #2: “You have worm breath!”

Boy #1: “You’re a chicken!”

Boy #2: “You’re a pig!”

Boy #1: “You’re a truck with every animal in the world in it!”

Boy #2: “You’re a pee-pants!”

Boy #1: “You’re a c-word, s-word, f-word, and b-word put together!”

Boy #2: “What’s that?”

(I get nervous since the feud can be heard across the playground. I try to stop the boy from saying it but by the time I get there it’s too late and he blurts it out.)

Boy #1: “COO-COO CRAZY STUPID FARTY BUM-HEAD!”

(I burst out laughing.)

Boy #1: “What’s funny?”

Me: “Uh… I remembered a joke.”

Boy #1: “Can I hear it?”

Me: “It’s a teacher joke; you won’t get it.”

Boy #1: “Okay, bye.”

(The boys got distracted and ended their feud before recess was over. I got a good story out of it to tell my friends, who all thought it was hilarious, so it ended up being a win-win.)

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The Story Takes A Dark Turn

| Learning | February 22, 2016

(I’m talking with the children about the elements of story — character, setting, problem, solution, ending, heart-connection.)

Me: “So, when we were babies in diapers, we liked stories that went, ‘This is Billy’s truck. This is Billy’s teddy bear.’ But now we’re big, and we want something to happen in the story!”

Child: “Yeah, and when you put toys in the baby’s diaper, they get pooped on.”

Me: *silent stare*

Child: “Y’know, Mommy doesn’t like that…”

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A Wowie Of An Owie

| Learning | January 25, 2016

(My sister is teaching a kindergarten German class once a week, and I volunteer to help her. At the beginning of every class, we ask each student how they’re feeling, and they point to the correct face/German word.)

Sister: “How are you feeling today, [Student]?”

Student: “Sad.”

Sister: “Oh, no! Why are you feeling sad?”

Student: “My auntie died. She had a big owie.”

(To this day, I wonder what her aunt died of!)

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Your Excuse Is A Bust

| Learning | December 29, 2015

(I work at a kindergarten and when a student misses too many classes, we usually call home to make sure everything is ok. This kid has missed class all week, so I call.)

Me: “Hello, this is [My Name] from [Kindergarten]. I wanted to know why [Little Girl] has missed so many classes.”

Mother: “Oh, well… she is very sick. I had to take her to the hospital and all.”

Me: *very worried* “How so? Is it that serious?”

Mother: “Oh, yes, they say she has to stay at least two weeks there. So she won’t be going to school anytime soon.”

(I hang up and worry a lot for the next two weeks, until I hear from the local bus driver that she got on the bus that morning and to wait for her outside on the school entrance… which is full of parents waiting to leave their children.)

Bus Driver: *stepping out of the bus with the little girl* “So [Little Girl], is it true you were at the hospital?”

Little Girl: *screams* “MY MOMMY GOT NEW BOOOOOBIES!”

(At the next parent-teacher meeting everyone was staring at that woman’s chest.)

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A Very Long Engagement

| Learning | October 11, 2015

(I’ve just gotten home from my first day of kindergarten.)

Mom: “How was your day?”

Me: “I met [Boy]. I’m going to marry him someday!”

Mom: “Uh-huh…”

(The boy proposed to me three months ago, 20 years later.)

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