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When They Can Walk And Chew Gum At The Same Time

| Learning | July 4, 2017

(My daughter will be entering kindergarten this fall. Her school hosts a playground “meet and greet” for all incoming kindergarteners, which happens to be the day before her birthday. She is chatting with another little girl.)

Girl: “I’m four. How old are you?”

Daughter: “I’m four and a half. But tomorrow I’ll be five!”

Girl: *with great exuberance* “When I’m five, I get to have GUM!”


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What A Swahill-billy

| Learning | May 24, 2017

(My mom is a German teacher, and runs an exchange program. This means she goes to Germany for almost a month every two years, and has taught me German from birth. I have just turned six, and she takes me with her on that trip. Having no childcare overseas, she talks to colleagues and gets me temporarily put in a German kindergarten rather than have me be bored in the high school classes she runs. My German skills are good, which is great because English isn’t yet taught to kids that young in Germany, but I’m socially awkward.)

Kindergarten Teacher: “So, class, we have a special visitor joining us for a few weeks, from America!” *to me* “Can you say something in another language, dear?”

(English isn’t another language, as I speak English and German with no problems. So I wrack my brain, and come up with something I had heard at an assembly before my US school let out.)

Me: *sings children’s song… in Swahili*

Kindergarten Teacher: “I meant… ‘hello’ or something! In English!”

Adopting Some Security Procedures

| Learning | May 22, 2017

(My niece is being registered for kindergarten. She’s just been adopted a few weeks before and her first and last name were changed. My sister is using her brand new birth certificate to register her.)

Teacher: “Okay, honey, we’re going to go look at the kindergarten room while mom fills out your forms, okay?”

Niece: “Sure.”

(Once they are out of sight of my sister:)

Teacher: “What’s your name?”

Niece: “Emily. It used to be Casey but now it’s Emily. My new mom changed it so my old mom won’t find me.”

Teacher: “Really? Why did you get a new mom?”

Niece: “Because my new mom wanted me so she took me!”

(At this point the teacher calls the police. My sister is sitting in the office, filling out the forms when they arrive.)

Police: “Who is here to register Casey?”

Sister: “Her name is Emily.” *explains whole situation*

Police: “Can you prove that?”

(My sister hands him the birth certificate but did not bring the adoption papers with her.)

Police: “I’m going to have to take you both to the station until you can provide the adoption papers.”

(At this point I wander in to drop off some papers. I’m just another parent. I greet my sister.)

Police: “Do you know this woman?”

Me: “Yes. That’s my sister.”

Police: “So you know Casey?”

Me: “Her name is Emily. She was just adopted and her name was changed.”

Police: “OH! Okay, that’s fine. Sorry about the bother. You can just go ahead and process her registration.”

(I think everyone in the office was stunned.)

Needed To Get A Better Reading On The Situation

| Learning | May 15, 2017

(I am in kindergarten, and my class has just started learning to read. However, due to a disorder I have, I miss the day my teacher hands out picture books for the class to read. When I come in the next day, she forgets to give me a book and instead just gives me the math from the other day. As such, whenever the class is supposed to be reading, I take out my binder and just daydream. This is five months after she forgot about me, during a reading period. She is walking around to check and advise the other kids on their reading. She comes over to me.)

Teacher: “[My Name]! Why aren’t you reading?!”

Me: “I don’t have a book?”

Teacher: “Yes, you do! I gave every child in this room a book! Where is your backpack! Bring it over to me!”

(I get my backpack and bring it to her. She spends a full 10 minutes looking through my backpack over and over for the non-existent book. She finally stops.)

Teacher: “You must have left it at home. For now, you can read this one, but you better have it back tomorrow!”

(Panicking, I spend the rest of the night searching the house for a book, and eventually stop and go to bed. The next day…)

Teacher: “Did you find the book, [My Name]?”

Me: “No, Mrs. [Teacher]. It wasn’t there!”

Teacher: “Are you kidding me? What’s your parents’ phone number!”

(I gave her my mom’s number, who was at work. The teacher ended up calling her, and my mom was not pleased to have been panicked because she thought I was in danger. The teacher was forced to admit that she had forgotten about me, and gave me a book to read. 20 years later, I’m not illiterate and can speed read. No thanks to my teacher, though.)

Billed As A Different Name

| Related | April 11, 2017

(My dad’s given name is “William,” but from the moment he was born everyone called him “Billy.” This ended up causing problems on his first day of kindergarten. My dad was off in a corner.)

Teacher: “William, please sit over here.”

(My dad continued playing. He had no idea the teacher was addressing him.)

Teacher: “William, come over here!”

(Dad continued playing. The teacher walks over to him.)

Teacher: “WILLIAM! Why aren’t you listening to me?”

Dad: “My name’s not William. It’s Billy.”

(The teacher called my grandma to tell her about what happened. When my dad got home from school, he and my grandma had to have a long talk about what his name really was.)