(I am four years old. I am taking an IQ test to see if I can start kindergarten a year early. My dad is watching the test from behind a one-way mirror.)

Tester: “What’s a liquid that comes in a bottle?”

Me: “Beer!”

Tester: “…Okay. Why don’t you tell me another one?”

Me: “Wine!”

Dad: “Is this where child protective services show up?”

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(I am a kindergarten teacher, and I’m meeting a student for the first time.)

Me: “What is your favorite color?”

5 year-old: “Stool.”

Me: “Let’s try that again…”

(I work in biotechnology, specialising in IVF (assisted reproduction). On my daughter’s first day in kindergarten, I receive a call from the principal. She had introduced herself to the class in an interesting fashion.)

Daughter: “Hi, I’m [Daughter], and my daddy gets women pregnant.”

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