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I Got 99 Problems And Your Change Is One

, , , , , | Right | May 9, 2018

(A customer comes in to buy a key for a car. I make the key, and the total comes to $5.01, and he gives me $6.00. I ask him if he has a penny or nickel so that I do not have to dump a lot of change on him. He says no, so I give him 99 cents in change. Less than five minutes later, he returns.)

Customer: “That key worked really well. When I went elsewhere they could not get one to work, so I want another one.”

(I make another key, and of course it is the same price.)

Customer: “Here is six dollars.”

Me: “Can you give me a penny?”

Customer: “I have no change.”

Me: “Didn’t I just give you 99 cents in change?”

Customer: “Oh, right.” *hands me a penny*

(I have no idea what he was thinking.)

Needs A Key To The Real World

| Right | April 23, 2016

Customer: “I need you to make a copy of my car key. It barely works at all and I need a new one that works perfectly.”

Me: “You do know that we make a copy of your key? The new key will work just as well or poorly as the key you give to me.”

Customer: “No, it will be a new key so it will work just as well as my key did when it was new.”

Me: “That would be true if you were bringing in your key when it was new. However I can see that your key now is very worn and we copy what you give us.”

Customer: “No, I want it made better. Is that so hard?”

Me: “Okay, let’s assume that instead of a key you were copying a document that had several misspelled words on a copier. Do you think that the copier would correct the spelling of the words on your new copies?”

Customer: “Well, it should!”

Me: “Here we learn the difference between ‘Should’ and ‘Reality.’ And I am sorry to say that reality is all we have here. So I am going to have to turn you down for making you a key.”

Not Much Assurance About The Insurance

| Right | November 8, 2015

(After working for another company for 45 years, I have purchased a key shop and am now the owner. Needless to say all contacts with my previous employer are gone. My cell phone rings.)

Me: “This is the key shop. I am [My Name].”

Caller: “Has your insurance changed?”

Me: “Pardon? What insurance?”

Caller: “Your insurance. Has it changed?”

Me: “What insurance?”

Caller: “Has your insurance changed?”

Me: “What kind of insurance? I have just started this business. Are you asking about my business insurance or my locksmith insurance? I just received my locksmith insurance renewal notice last week but have not opened it yet.”

Caller: “No, no, your insurance. Did it change?”

Me: “What kind of insurance are you asking about? I have two cars with insurance on them, home insurance, life insurance, and others, but my wife takes care of them.”

Caller: “Your insurance. We need to know if it changed.”

Me: “And who is ‘We’? Who are you?”

Caller: “I am from [Medical Office]. You have an appointment next week so we checked your insurer and they told us that you no longer have a policy with them.”

Me: “Well, no. I no longer work for the company that contracts with them for employee medical insurance.”

Caller: “So are you canceling your appointment?”

Me: “Nope, I am 65 and now have Medicare and also supplemental insurance. I am bringing my new cards to my appointment with you.”

Caller: “Why didn’t you just say that before?!”

In A Tsary State

, , , , | Right | September 30, 2010

(Two women come into my grandpa’s locksmith shop and are saying really obnoxious things in Russian.)

Woman #1: “Careful, I think he may speak Russian.”

Woman #2: “That oaf? No way.”

Woman #1: “Maybe he does.”

Woman #2: “He doesn’t.”

Grandpa: *in Russian* “He does.”


This story is part of our Foreign Languages roundup! This is the last story in the roundup, but we have plenty of others you might enjoy!

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For Federal Crimes, He Is Your Key Man

, , , | Right | March 3, 2010

(I have been called to change the lock on a mailbox.)

Me: “Okay, I’ll change it. Which one is it?”

Customer: “Fourteen.”

Me: “Okay. Well, there are four mailboxes here, and they all have a fourteen on them. Which box is it?”

Customer: “I don’t know. Can you just open them all?”

Me: “That would be a Federal crime. None of your lease information has a box number?”

Customer: “Really, if you open them all, I promise I’ll put the other people’s mail back. Pretty please?”