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Needs A Key To The Real World

| Right | April 23, 2016

Customer: “I need you to make a copy of my car key. It barely works at all and I need a new one that works perfectly.”

Me: “You do know that we make a copy of your key? The new key will work just as well or poorly as the key you give to me.”

Customer: “No, it will be a new key so it will work just as well as my key did when it was new.”

Me: “That would be true if you were bringing in your key when it was new. However I can see that your key now is very worn and we copy what you give us.”

Customer: “No, I want it made better. Is that so hard?”

Me: “Okay, let’s assume that instead of a key you were copying a document that had several misspelled words on a copier. Do you think that the copier would correct the spelling of the words on your new copies?”

Customer: “Well, it should!”

Me: “Here we learn the difference between ‘Should’ and ‘Reality.’ And I am sorry to say that reality is all we have here. So I am going to have to turn you down for making you a key.”

Not Much Assurance About The Insurance

| Right | November 8, 2015

(After working for another company for 45 years, I have purchased a key shop and am now the owner. Needless to say all contacts with my previous employer are gone. My cell phone rings.)

Me: “This is the key shop. I am [My Name].”

Caller: “Has your insurance changed?”

Me: “Pardon? What insurance?”

Caller: “Your insurance. Has it changed?”

Me: “What insurance?”

Caller: “Has your insurance changed?”

Me: “What kind of insurance? I have just started this business. Are you asking about my business insurance or my locksmith insurance? I just received my locksmith insurance renewal notice last week but have not opened it yet.”

Caller: “No, no, your insurance. Did it change?”

Me: “What kind of insurance are you asking about? I have two cars with insurance on them, home insurance, life insurance, and others, but my wife takes care of them.”

Caller: “Your insurance. We need to know if it changed.”

Me: “And who is ‘We’? Who are you?”

Caller: “I am from [Medical Office]. You have an appointment next week so we checked your insurer and they told us that you no longer have a policy with them.”

Me: “Well, no. I no longer work for the company that contracts with them for employee medical insurance.”

Caller: “So are you canceling your appointment?”

Me: “Nope, I am 65 and now have Medicare and also supplemental insurance. I am bringing my new cards to my appointment with you.”

Caller: “Why didn’t you just say that before?!”

In A Tsary State

, , , , | Right | September 30, 2010

(Two women come into my grandpa’s locksmith shop and are saying really obnoxious things in Russian.)

Woman #1: “Careful, I think he may speak Russian.”

Woman #2: “That oaf? No way.”

Woman #1: “Maybe he does.”

Woman #2: “He doesn’t.”

Grandpa: *in Russian* “He does.”


This story is part of our Foreign Languages roundup! This is the last story in the roundup, but we have plenty of others you might enjoy!

13 Funny True Stories About Tourists Who Have Absolutely No Clue

 

Read the next Foreign Languages roundup story.

Read the Foreign Languages roundup!

For Federal Crimes, He Is Your Key Man

, , , | Right | March 3, 2010

(I have been called to change the lock on a mailbox.)

Me: “Okay, I’ll change it. Which one is it?”

Customer: “Fourteen.”

Me: “Okay. Well, there are four mailboxes here, and they all have a fourteen on them. Which box is it?”

Customer: “I don’t know. Can you just open them all?”

Me: “That would be a Federal crime. None of your lease information has a box number?”

Customer: “Really, if you open them all, I promise I’ll put the other people’s mail back. Pretty please?”

Mission: Impossible

, , , , , | Right | August 3, 2009

Customer: “I just locked my key in my car in front of the shop.”

Me: *I pick up some stuff* “Not a problem. I’ll pop it open for $5.00.”

Customer: “What are you going to do with that stuff?”

Me: “Open your car.”

Customer: “It’s a brand new Mercedes. I just drove it here from the dealer. You can’t touch it!”

Me: “Then how do I open it?”

Customer: “That’s your problem.”

Me: “Actually, it’s not; I didn’t lock the key in your car.”

Customer: “You have to open it.”

Me: “Watch me not open it.”

Customer: “Okay, then, but if you make any scratch or mark at all then you will have to pay Mercedes to repaint the whole car. That will cost thousands.”

Me: “So, if I’m successful I get $5.00, but if I make the smallest error it will cost me thousands of dollars?”

Customer: “Yes.”

Me: “Your car might just be there forever.”

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