(As I finish up opening an account with the minimum opening deposit for a brand-new customer at my in-store bank, I explain EVERYTHING that I give him: disclosures, business card, signature card, and starter checks.)

Me: “Here are your starter checks. A lot of places won’t take them, since they don’t have your name or address printed on them, but they will work to get direct deposit set up with your employer; just write your name and addresses across the top of the check and VOID across the check.”

Customer: “So, I can use these to pay for things, right?”

Me: “Once you’ve deposited some more money in your account, you can order regular checks that more places will accept. Right now, you would have to check with the retailer. Some places might take them for smaller amounts.”

Customer: “Okay, thanks.”

(Ten minutes later, a store employee calls me.)

Employee: “Can you verify a check for me? I know you aren’t supposed to, but the customer says you just told him he could write a check here.”

Me: “I can try. What’s the account and amount?”

Employee: “It’s [account I just opened] for $4,250.”

Me: “Yeah, not going to happen. Send him back up here and I’ll see if I can explain it better.”

(The customer returns.)

Customer: “Well, you gave me checks, so I figured I had better use them and get the stuff I needed. Our TV broke.”

Me: “As of right now, your account only has $25 in it, so you can’t write a check for more than that.”

Customer: “I have to put money in my account?!”

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(I ring up a lady who got only a carving pumpkin, which are quite large, and she slides her card through the machine. I’m 16 and relatively new to my job.)

Me: “That’s weird; it didn’t charge your card.”

Customer: “What do you mean?”

Me: “It charged $0.00 to your card. Could you slide it again for me?”

Customer: “No, it’ll charge me twice.”

Me: “Well, it charged $0.00 the first time, so it shouldn’t be a problem.”

Customer: “Fine.”

(She slides her card again. This time I realize she’s using food stamps.)

Me: “Oh, ma’am, it’s not food stamp eligible.”

Customer: “Yes, it is.”

Me: “I’m sorry, but it’s not.”

Customer: “Pumpkins are technically food, so yes, it is.”

Me: “The computer doesn’t think it is.”

Customer: “Look, kid, have they not taught you in school yet that you can pay for food with food stamps?”

Me: “Ma’am, these are ‘carving’ pumpkins.”

Customer: “Okay, now you’re pissing me off. Pumpkins are food. Now, ring it up right or I’m going to talk to your manager.”

Me: “Ma’am, I understand that pumpkins are food, but we sell these pumpkins specifically for carving, not for eating.”

Customer: “Pumpkins. Are. Food.”

Me: “Do you intend to eat it?”

Customer: “What?”

Me: “Are you going to eat this pumpkin, ma’am?”

Customer: “…no, but that shouldn’t matter.”

Me: “Ma’am, food stamps are for people who can’t afford to buy food themselves. If you can afford to use them to buy decorations, then maybe you shouldn’t be using them.”

(She glares at me for a second, then hands me a five-dollar bill.)

Customer: “Unbelievable.”

(She then stormed out.)

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(I’m a engineer in a public cable access facility. We allow residents to borrow and use video equipment and editing software to produce local programming.)

Producer: “Hey, I have a lot of capturing to do today. Do you mind if I spend my time wisely and ghost hunt while I’m in the editing bay?”

Me: “As in the show Ghost Hunters?”

Producer: “Yeah! I feel this building has an otherworldly vibe, and would like to see if I can catch something on video or EVP (Electronic Voice Phenomenon).”

(We also work with a lot of local schools to train and teach students on video equipment and we use them to help produce local football games and events. The producer is there to work on a school project.)

Me: *laughing to myself* “Okay, but don’t forget you have to finish your project for class.”

(The producer smiles and runs out to her car to grab her equipment. After about 20 minutes I see her run around the corner all excited.)

Producer: “You have got to come in here! I caught the most amazing evidence!”

(Skeptical of her ‘catch,’ I follow her into the editing bay where she is working, and she grabs a tape recorder.)

Producer: “Here, listen to this EVP that I caught!”

Me: “Okay.”

(She pushes play and I hear static until clear as day, I hear words on the taped recording.)

Taped Recording: “Hey man, pass me that screwdriver.”

Producer: “Can you believe that I just caught actual ghost voices on my tape recorder?”

Me: “Uh, actually, that is more than likely [furniture restoration employee] working with his new apprentice, because his workbench is on the exact other side of this wall.”

Producer: “Nah, I’m pretty sure it’s ghosts!”

Me: “Keep in mind, sir, these items are a three day return!”

Customer: “Well, I don’t think I will wait three days in line just to return some shirts.”

Me: “Haha, very clever, sir. However, do not worry; I wouldn’t make you wait three days. But if they don’t fit right when you get home, bring them back to me within three days so we can get you a refund.”

Customer: “And you know what? I was eating at a fast food joint the other day. I noticed on the door in the bathroom it said that employees must wash hands. So I stood there and stood there, and no employee ever came in to wash my hands. I really didn’t think it was good service.”

Me: “Thank you, sir; that made my day.”

(I’m checking out my items at the front of a store when a couple bursts in. The girlfriend is clearly upset at her boyfriend.)

Girlfriend: “You really expect me to be all right with you hanging out with your friends on our one-year anniversary?!”

Boyfriend: “It’s been a tradition of my friends to do this for over six years! I can take you out any weekend, but [Friend] only gets his brother’s VHS copy of the original Star Wars movies once a year, and so we have a marathon! Come on! It has all the original scenes and characters before Lucas screwed it up!”

Girlfriend: “You all are such nerds! Who cares about the changes?! If anything, it made the movies better!”

Boyfriend: “You haven’t even seen the movies!”

Girlfriend: “No real girl has! I haven’t, and…” *points at me* “…she hasn’t! Fine! Go ahead with your stupid marathon! I don’t care anymore! Do whatever the h*** you want!”

(The girlfriend storms down an aisle.)

Me: *imitating Admiral Ackbar* “It’s a trap!” *imitating C-3PO* “Let the girlfriend win.”

(Not only did the boyfriend crack up, but the check-out guy gave me his number!)

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