Grooming A One-Liner

, , , , , | Working | January 1, 2019

My usual job at the boarding kennel is in the grooming department, drying and brushing the dogs for the groomers. However, needing the extra hours on a grooming-free day, I agree to do some outside work.

My boss has me clearing cobwebs and other collected grime from the sides of the building. After a while, a coworker pulls up to go inside. She greets me, and laughingly remarks that this isn’t my “usual job.” As I scrub out some extra thick crud, I reply with a grin, “Nope, I’m grooming the building today!”

She walks off cracking up.

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I Believe In The Power Of Dog

, , , , , , | Friendly | November 29, 2018

(I work at a boarding kennel for dogs and cats. Part of the job is walking the dogs — the friendly ones, anyway — once or twice a day. I am walking a big, goofy, friendly black lab at the parking area. A middle-aged woman and a girl of about eight or nine park there and cautiously approach me.)

Me: “Can I help you?”

Woman: “Yes, is the family home?”

(To this day I’m not sure if she didn’t realize that it was a business, but regardless, there is no “family,” just my boss and her husband.)

Me: “The owner is down at the office, and her husband works nights, so he’s likely asleep right now.”

Woman: “Is it all right if I leave some literature?”

(She is holding some Bible tracts.)

Me: “The kennel has a no solicitors policy, and like I said, her husband is probably sleeping and wouldn’t take kindly to being woken up.”

Woman: “Do you go to church?”

Me: “I don’t discuss religion or politics in the workplace, ma’am.”

(This is still true, to this day.)

Woman: “Can I leave these with you?”

(I’m getting annoyed. Fortunately, the lab I’m walking is very excited at the prospect of meeting new people, so he’s really tugging on the leash. The little girl looks like she wants to pet the dog, but the woman looks wary, so I use his behavior as an excuse.)

Me: “He’s getting pretty agitated… Better get back in your car! I’ll get him back to his cage!”

Woman: “Oh, my! Be careful!”

Me: “I’ll try! Have a nice day!”

(The lab and I ran back down to the kennel. I kept an eye out, just in case she tried bothering the boss’s husband, but common sense won and she just left. I don’t bother people about their religions. I might even discuss religion with someone if I was interested. But DON’T force your religion on other people. They’re not interested in handouts or being bothered while they’re working, at home, or otherwise minding their own business.)

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It’s A Dog’s Strife

, , , | Right | July 1, 2018

(I work at an animal kennel for dogs and cats. We also have a grooming service and I am one of the groomers. I receive a call at the end of my shift; I am the only one in the grooming salon at the time.)

Me: “Hi, this is [My Name] at [Kennel]; would you like to book an appointment for your pet?”

Lady: “I’d like to book a grooming appointment for my son on Friday.”

Me: “Is 4:45 okay?”

Lady: “Whatever, sure.” *she seems to have an attitude and be in a bad mood* “My son’s name is Tyler, and he’s a very bad boy.”

(I assume she calls her dog “son,” as most clients treat their pets as their babies.)

Me: “Haha… I understand the struggle. My poodle is a bad boy, also.”

Lady: “My Tyler always talks back to me and curses at me in public.”

(I soon become confused.)

Me: “Is your Tyler a dog?”

Lady: “Haha, kind of. He acts like one. Anyway, on Friday, I’d like him to be shaved, despite him arguing.”

Me: “Ma’am, you must be confused. This is not a barbershop; it’s a pet grooming salon.”

Lady: “Yeah, whatever.”

Me: “Ma’am… we can’t cut your son’s hair. We cut pet fur and hair.”

Lady: “What’s the difference?”

Me: “Humans and animals have their hair cut differently. We also don’t shave animals, unless the owner wants, which is rare. Ma’am, I’m sorry, but we cannot cut your son’s hair.”

Lady: *grows furious* “Are you kidding me?! I f****** wasted my time with you! You’d better get fired! I want to speak to your manager!”

Me: “Sorry, my boyfriend is home, sick.”

(She hung up right after I finish my sentence. She did come in on Friday with her son and her cat.)

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Customers Can Be A Strange Breed

, , , , | Right | March 29, 2018

(I work at a dog kennel. I am helping my manager work the front desk when a man walks in with a large dog. We are at 100% capacity, so we know he is a walk-in. My manager goes right over to head off any tantrums that might be coming.)

Manager: “I’m sorry, sir, but we are completely full at the moment. If you want to put your name on the waiting list, however, we will call you as soon as there is room.”

Man: “Oh, no, I’m not looking to board my dog; I’m looking to breed him.”

Manager: *confused* “I’m sorry, sir, but we don’t breed dogs here. This is a kennel.”

Man: *clearly not listening* “I want to breed my dog. He’s a purebred.”

Manager: “Sir, again, we don’t breed dogs here.”

Man: “Why not? He’s had all his shots and he’s a purebred!”

Manager: “Sir, again, we don’t breed dogs here, because these dogs do not belong to us. These dogs all belong to other people and they’d be very upset if we let your dog mate with their pet.”

Man: *sounding desperate* “You don’t understand! You could make a lot of money selling the puppies; this is a good deal!”

Manager: *totally fed up* “A good deal is not getting sued by an angry owner. Please leave; I have a line of actual customers waiting.”

(The man leaves with his dog, looking pretty dejected, but doesn’t try to argue further. Half an hour later, one of my coworkers who wasn’t there for the strange man answers the phone.)

Coworker: “Hello, this is [Kennel]. How can I help you today?”

(I can’t hear the other half of the conversation, but my coworker starts making this really confused face.)

Coworker: “I’m sorry, sir, but we don’t breed dogs here.”

Manager: *furious* “Oh, my God! [Coworker], hang up the d*** phone.” *turning to me* “If he calls back again, I’m going to neuter them both!”

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Like A Dog To A Bone

, , | Right | January 1, 2018

(I work in the reception of a dogs’ home. I have been told to blacklist a woman who has been found to have mistreated her pets to the point that two have died, and the remaining one has been taken away. We hear she has been blacklisted in her local area, and has now travelled further out to a completely different county to acquire a pet. The vet who works with us spots her in the car park and warns everyone. She comes in, waves to us quickly, knocks over a volunteer, and runs straight into the kennels before we can really do anything. The vet and I follow her.)

Me: “Excuse me, are you [Woman]?”

Woman: “Yes! I want this golden retriever, and this Chihuahua, please. I don’t care about vaccinations or insurance. Oh, and this—”

Me: “I’m sorry, but I’m going to have to ask you to leave.”

Woman: “No, I’m here to get a pet, you see. My last one died unexpectedly.”

Vet: “Yes, we are aware.”

Woman: “What?”

Vet: “We know about your last three pets, and the neglect you showed them. We have decided to blacklist you. You aren’t allowed to adopt here.”

Woman: “Humph! You care more about a mangy mutt than my happiness?”

Me: “Yes, we care more about the lives you’ve been ruining, in particular the lives that have ended under your care.”

Woman: “That’s a terrible business plan. The customer is always right! If you aren’t willing to take my money, I will go elsewhere.” *storms out*

Me: “God, I hope she never gets another pet again.”

Vet: “She probably will. She’ll move to a catchment area that hasn’t been informed, and she’ll start over again. People like that don’t care.”

(We heard later that she had visited almost every dogs’ home in the county, before moving on. She’s relentless.)

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