Customer: “Hi, um, my car was stolen.”

Me: “Well, okay, let’s go out and see where you’re parked.”

(We walk into the parking lot.)

Me: “Okay, where did you park?”

Customer: “Right there, where the Prius is parked! God d*** tree-hugging Democrat piece of s***!”

Me: “Okay, well, let’s go inside and call the police.”

(While we wait for the police to come she makes some phone calls and then comes back into the office.)

Customer: “Sorry, never mind. Turns out I drove the Prius today and not the Honda.”

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(We’ve had to close down a road due to a car crash in a snow storm. Fire trucks and ambulances are there with lights flashing to block the road. I’m at one side of the street directing traffic.)

Driver: *slows down looking at the scene* “What happened?”

Me: “Accident, ma’am. Please keep moving.”

Driver: “Can I go down the street? It’s a shortcut.”

Me: “The road is closed, but you need to keep moving. You are going to cause another accident.”

Driver: “I didn’t cause any accident! I’m a good driver. How dare you imply that I’m not?! I’m just trying to get home. Why are you being so rude?! I will have your badge, you little b****!”

Me: “Ma’am, if you are not going to move then you need to pull to the side of the road now!”

Driver: “I pay your salary! You are supposed to help people! Don’t you want me to get home? I have a family, you know!”

Me: “Ma’am, if you do not pull to the side of the road right now or drive away I am going to arrest you.”

Driver: “Fine!”

(With that, she drives straight down the closed street and nearly hits me. Due to all the snow she loses control and crashes into one of the parked cruisers.)

Driver: “This is all your fault! Why didn’t you tell me the road was closed?!”

Related:
Driving Miss Crazy

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Me: “Hello, [Hotel]. How may I help you?”

Customer: “I need to cancel my reservation for tonight.”

Me: “I’m sorry, sir, but we require 24-hour notice for all cancellations.”

Customer: “Well it’s an emergency! My daughter got sick and we had to stay home!”

(I glance down at the caller ID and see that this phone call is coming from a competing hotel across town.)

Me: “Okay, sir. I’ll cancel it for you due to this emergency situation.”

(Ten minutes pass, and I call the other hotel and ask to be connected to the guy’s room.)

Customer: “Hello?”

Me: “Hello, sir, this is [My Name] from [Hotel]. I just wanted to call you back with your cancellation number and to wish your daughter a speedy recovery.”

Customer: *stammering* “How did you get this number? Are you following me?!”

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(I used to work full-time at a large retail clothing store. I am now in the military and when I take leave, I come back and often work a few days during a week.  A man and wife come up to the register.)

Me: “How’s your day going? Did anyone help you find everything?”

(I always ask because I don’t really have a quota I need to meet.)

Husband: “Oh, it’s going. No one helped, but we found everything easily.”

Me: “Sorry about that. Glad you found everything, though.”

Wife: “Do you make commission?”

Me: “Nope! But most of the employees have sales quotas they have to meet.”

Wife: “You don’t?”

Me: “No, I’m part-time. I actually have other goals in mind.”

(The husband half-laughs at this point and looks right at me.)

Husband: “Oh, do you actually have high dreams for yourself?”

(His wife chuckles, so I straighten up, stop scanning things, pull out my secondary wallet carrying my military ID, with “specialist” listed as the rank and my military police badge and slam it on the table.)

Me: “Actually, I’m in the Army. I am here on leave and I can’t stand to just sit around. My family is working, so a few days each time I’m back I come here to work. I have been on details I’m not allowed to discuss and you will never learn about from the news.”

(The husband literally looks straight down and slinks a little.)

Me: “Not to mention that while I’m doing this, I’m about a year and half into my bachelor of science in criminology. But, hey…” *goes back to scanning his items and putting away my wallet* “…it must be extremely nice for someone like you to enjoy being here so casually thanks to people like me.”

(During the rest of the time I scan the items, neither person says a word.)

Me: “That will be [price]. We can do any credit card or cash.”

(The husband says nothing and simply hands me his card politely.)

Me: “All right, here you go! Continue to enjoy the rest of your day!”

Husband: *in a hushed voice* “Thank you…”

Me: “You’re WELCOME. For everything.”

(I continue with the polite tone and smiling, and then call up the next customer.)

Next Customer: “THANK YOU!”

(The customer shook my hand and we talked about his time in the Marines during Vietnam. I made sure to give him the 10% military discount.)

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Customer: “I just locked my key in my car in front of the shop.”

Me: *I pick up some stuff* “Not a problem. I’ll pop it open for $5.00.”

Customer: “What are you going to do with that stuff?”

Me: “Open your car.”

Customer: “It’s a brand new Mercedes. I just drove it here from the dealer. You can’t touch it!”

Me: “Then how do I open it?”

Customer: “That’s your problem.”

Me: “Actually, it’s not; I didn’t lock the key in your car.”

Customer: “You have to open it.”

Me: “Watch me not open it.”

Customer: “Okay, then, but if you make any scratch or mark at all then you will have to pay Mercedes to repaint the whole car. That will cost thousands.”

Me: “So, if I’m successful I get $5.00, but if I make the smallest error it will cost me thousands of dollars?”

Customer: “Yes.”

Me: “Your car might just be there forever.”

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