Customer: “What sort of fuel economy does this one have?”

Me: “Sir, you’re in the wrong lot. That’s another customer’s car.”

Customer: “So, this one’s reserved? What about the blue one over there?”

Me: “You need to go back to the front of the building. These are all the cars that other customers drove here in.”

Customer: “Wait, what? So I can just drive them?”

Me: “No. You can test-drive a specific unit of each of our models, but these cars belong to other people.”

Customer: “So you’re just going to deprive me of everything? Fine! I’m leaving!”

(He kicks another car on the way out.)

Customer: “Wait… F***! That’s mine!”

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(Two women come into my grandpa’s locksmith shop and are saying really obnoxious things in Russian.)

Woman #1: “Careful, I think he may speak Russian.”

Woman #2: “That oaf? No way.”

Woman #1: “Maybe he does.”

Woman #2: “He doesn’t.”

Grandpa: *in Russian* “He does.”

This story is part of our Foreign Languages roundup! This is the last story in the roundup, but we have plenty of others you might enjoy!

13 Funny True Stories About Tourists Who Have Absolutely No Clue

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(I’m the director of our small-town library. One of my summer volunteers is a sixteen-year-old girl who is diabetic. She works the lunch shift, and I allow her to eat her lunch at the checkout counter.)

Patron: *to the volunteer* “Hey, can you tell me if you have this book?” *hands over a sheet of paper*

Volunteer: *putting fork down* “Yes. It’s over here. I’ll go get it for you.”

(She walks away. I notice the lady at the desk sniffing the air. She looks around, clearly sees me staring at her, and proceeds to take a large bite of my volunteer’s food. She obviously doesn’t like it, and takes a large container of something out of her purse and dumps it all over the food. She takes another bite, and looks satisfied.)

Volunteer: *coming back* “Here’s your… wait. Why are you eating my lunch?”

Patron: “It was a free sample. And I must say, whoever made it is a terrible cook. It’s very tasteless. I have to put my entire container of salt on this to make it edible!”

Volunteer: “That was my lunch. I’m a diabetic, so of course it wouldn’t taste very good!”

Me: “Ma’am, you just ate her lunch. Why?”

(As I am talking the volunteer scribbles something on a piece of paper and hands it to me. It says, ‘Ignore what I’m about to do.’ She then falls to the ground, shaking and convulsing.)

Patron: “Oh, s***!” *runs out of the library*

Volunteer: “I learned how to do that to get my brothers in trouble.”

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(I’m waiting in line after ordering a cheeseburger. Another customer is being particularly annoying.)

Server: “Your cheeseburger’s ready, sir. That’ll be £2.80.”

Me: *handing over money* “Thanks.”

Other Customer: “Hey! Why’s he getting his first? We were here first; that’s mine!”

Server: “He ordered a cheeseburger. They’re quicker to make than double bacon burgers. Yours will be done in a minute.”

Other Customer: “I want that one! That one is mine!”

(I nod to the server, and they hand the woman the burger.)

Other Customer: “This has got cheese in it! And no bacon! Are you trying to rip me off?!”

Server: “You said you wanted that one rather than what you ordered.”

Other Customer: “This is appalling! I’m going elsewhere. You can’t get your orders in the right order!” *slams cheeseburger on van shelf then walks off*

Server: *smiling, to me* “Would you like a free bacon burger with your cheeseburger?”

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(A six-or-seven-year-old boy comes into the children’s bookstore, his mother trailing behind him.)

Mother: “Go on, then! Ask! She won’t know what you’re talking about and then you can stop wasting my time!”

Boy: “Hello!”

Me: “Hello.”

Boy: “I want a book.”

Me: “Well, you’re in the right place.”

Boy: “It’s about a boy. Who lives with a caveman. He’s got a funny name beginning with ‘S’.”

Mother: “There. Now you know there’s no such book.”

Me: “That wouldn’t be ‘Stig of the Dump,’ would it?”

Boy: *jumping up and down* “Yes, yes, yes! I told you, Mummy!”

Mother: “Don’t contradict me in front of my son!” *starts walking her son out of the shop and still talking to me* “You read too many books!”

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