A Poetic Celebration

, , , , | Romantic | May 31, 2015

(For our first month of being together, my boyfriend wrote me a poem:)

Boyfriend: “There was once a young man from Topeka

Who found an amazing young chicka.

Her sense of humor, the same

(Some would say lame)

But they’ve been together four weeks-a.”

(We’ve been together over a year now.)


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Warehouse Staff Brains All Stuffed With Fluff

, , , , | Working | July 30, 2014

(I work the guest services line at the call center for the [Cartoon Brand] catalog. We have begun selling ‘[Bear]Grams,’ which are ‘[Bear]’ teddy bears dressed up in costumes for holidays and special occasions. The holiday ‘[Bear]Grams’ always sell out and we frequently worry that they won’t be delivered on time. The situation is the worst for Easter, but finally, a few days before Easter, the warehouse receives a large shipment of Easter ‘[Bear]Grams’ and is able to ship all of the orders out in time. A week or two after Easter, I receive a call from a woman who is obviously in emotional turmoil.)

Customer: “I need help.”

Me: “How may I help you? Is everything all right?”

Customer: *continuing to cry* “Well, a few weeks ago, my family and I were scheduled to leave for vacation and my best friend got sick and went into the hospital. She assured me she would be fine and that we should not miss our vacation due to her minor illness. I called and ordered her a ‘Get Well [Bear]Gram’ and we headed out for our vacation. By the way, we’re Jewish.”

(I think: ‘what does THAT have to do with anything?’)

Customer: “While we were gone, my friend took a turn for the worse and died. My husband and I flew back for the funeral. Afterwards, I was talking to her sister and she said, ‘she really loved the “Easter [Bear]Gram” you sent her.'”

Me: *noticing that my manager is walking by* “Ma’am, I am so sorry. Can you hold on for one moment?” *I hit the hold button and turn frantically* “[Manager]! WE SENT A DYING JEWISH WOMAN AN ‘EASTER [Bear]GRAM’!”

Manager: *shock and confusion writ large across her face* “What? Give her back all of her money. Do whatever she needs you to do!”

(Obviously, in the Easter frenzy, the warehouse employees ‘decided’ that all of the ‘[Bear]Gram’ orders must be for Easter, and instead of sending the requested ‘Get Well [Bear]Gram,’ they did indeed send a dying Jewish woman an ‘Easter [Bear]Gram.’ Sometimes the customer is very, very right.)

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Cheaper Than The Sum Of The Sum

, , , , | Working | June 12, 2014

(The local pizza chain in a small college town has a 10% discount for college students and employees. It was one of the places we’d often go to for lunch. Normally we’d each pay for our own meal, but on this day my coworker asks if I could cover for him since he forgot his wallet.)

Me: “I had the pizza buffet and a drink, and I’m also paying for [Coworker]’s buffet and drink. We work at the college and should get the 10% discount.”

Cashier: “Okay, so the it’s two buffets and two drinks, and each of you gets a 10% discount, so that’s 20% total discount. Your total is [amount].”

Coworker: “Um…”

Me: “Wait, that’s not how it works. The discount is only 10%.”

Cashier: “Yes. You each get 10% off, so that’s 20% total. You owe [amount].”

(Not knowing how to argue with that logic, I paid, and on the way out the door joked with my coworker.)

Me: “We need to bring the entire department out and maybe some others. If we got 10 people, everyone’s meal would be free! Would they even pay us if we brought 11 or more?”

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Thinking Outside The Box, Part 2

, , , | Right | May 20, 2011

(Our store has a drive-thru pick up window. There is no speaker box. We notice a minivan parked about 10 feet from the window, just sitting there.)

Manager: “Go act like you’re sweeping the sidewalk. While you’re out there, try and get a good look as to what this van is up to.”

(I go outside and report back.)

Manager: “Well, what is she doing?”

Me: “Talking to our wall, saying that we need to answer her.”

(My manager sticks his head out of the window and tells her to pull forward. She pulls up to the window.)

Me: “How may I hel-”

Customer: *shouting* “I just spent 10 minutes at your speaker box and no one answered me! This is an outrage! I demand to be given the corporate phone number!”

Me: “Ma’am, we don’t have a speaker box. I can take your order if you’d like.”

Customer: *still shouting* “Then what is that on your wall?”

Me: “Well, that’s a sign saying what we have on special.”

Customer: “So, it’s not a speaker box?”

Me: “No, it’s a nylon poster.”

Customer: “Oh, I’ll take a pepperoni pizza.”

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For Bad Parenting These Two Take The Cake

, , , , | Right | March 14, 2011

(I am scanning a large birthday cake for an adult couple.)

Me: “Oh! Is it someone’s birthday today?”

Wife: “Yes! It’s our daughter’s tenth birthday today.”

Me: “Oh, that’s cool. My birthday’s not too far away either!”

Wife: “Really? How old will you be?”

Me: “Seventeen.”

Wife: *to Husband* “Oh, that was a good year. Do you remember what you did on your seventeenth birthday?”

Husband: “I don’t know. I drank seventeen beers!”

Wife: *laughs* “I’m pretty sure that my seventeenth birthday was the first day I did shrooms. But you look like a lot better kid than we were. I’m sure you won’t do any of that stuff, right?”

Me: *pause* “That’s going to be $17.43, please.”

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