An Eye For A Wifi

, , , , , | Related | September 16, 2017

(We’ve told our kids that we email the Tooth Fairy regularly whenever they lose a tooth, to schedule a payment. My son has just lost his second tooth, and I pretend to email the Tooth Fairy about it. He tells me about the tooth, and, as we have run out of money due to unexpected expenses, I tell him that I’ll email the Tooth Fairy, but that the weeks before school are especially busy. Right after a pay day, when our budget has been stabilized, this happens:)

Kiddo: “Hey, Mom, when is the Tooth Fairy going to come?”

Me: “Oh! I think she’s got you down for tonight, if you’re sleeping on schedule. So, go to bed, okay?”

Kiddo: “Okay! Goodnight!” *runs to bed*

(About a minute later:)

Me: “Oh! She emailed me!”

Kiddo: *looks out from doorway*

Me: *holds hand over monitor as I minimize the email window*

Kiddo: “What? What’d she say?”

Me: “Confirming details, like pillow shape, sleep time, and such.”

Kiddo: “Oh. Well, hopefully she can come tonight!” *goes back to bed*

(I’ve got to remember to stop spending my cash, so the Tooth Fairy can come on time more often.)

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Locker-Room Misdirection

, , , | Working | September 7, 2017

(I’m getting ready for work, putting my things on my locker, when the personnel lady walks by me.)

Personnel: “You’re probably going to want to start cleaning out your locker.”

Me: *internally* “Why?! What do you know!?”

Personnel: “Because we just got a bunch of new seasonal employees, and you’ll probably have to share.”

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The Shopping Dead

, , , | Right | August 11, 2017

(I am a fitting room attendant at a big box store. A customer comes in to try on some clothes. The customer is putting the items back into her cart when a coworker comes along. The customer’s back is to us. Coworker accidentally bumps into her.)

Coworker: “I’m so sorry.”

(The customer doesn’t respond.)

Coworker: “How are you doing today? Are you finding everything okay?”

(The customer doesn’t respond. A few minutes after that customer has left:)

Coworker: “She was rude.”

Me: “I think she was deaf.”

Coworker: “Oh.”

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Oh, How The Pillars Have Fallen

, , , | Friendly | July 5, 2017

(I’m a customer here. It’s hot, it’s muggy, and I’m fresh off of work as well as feeling pretty wrung out. I’m not exactly the most attentive, so I’m mostly keeping to myself as I do my shopping. Instead of waiting in line, I take advantage of the self-check out and am ringing up my groceries when an older woman slams a bag of cherries down on the check out next to me, and stands there. Staring. Again, sorta zombie here, didn’t notice until she started clearing her throat.)

Me: “…can I help you?”

Stranger: “Yes! You can give me your member card!”

(For the record, this grocery store only has a savings and gas card; it does not, nor has it ever, required a membership to shop here.)

Me: “Uh… well, first off, no. Secondly, why not just go get your own? They’re free at the customer service desk.”

Stranger: “Just give me yours!”

Me: “Again, no.”

(I don’t have the physical card since it’s a family card, but like hell is she getting the phone number on it.)

Me: “Just go get yourself one if you live in town; if you don’t, well, suck it up and pay the extra what, fifty cents?”


Me: *when she finally ran out of breath* “…well, d***. And here I thought you were just a stuck up b****. Now I know the difference; you’re a b**** with that pillar stuck clear up your a**. Enjoy the cherries.”

(The look on her face warmed my cold, dead heart quite nicely, I must admit.)

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Stuck In The Middle (Name) With You

, , , | Right | June 28, 2017

(I work in an insurance sales office. I occasionally have to field calls from people who are irritated by getting solicitation letters from us. Generally these are letters that have been sent out by the corporate office, but have the local agent’s name as the sender. There’s not a lot I can do but apologize and try to elicit the name and address so I can put them on our internal “do not mail” list. Sometimes they don’t want to give me that information and if that’s the case, there’s really nothing I can do for them.)

Caller: “I received a letter from you addressed to [Full Name With Middle Name #1], but my name is [Full Name With Middle Name #2].”

(The first and last names are identical.)

Me: “Okay, what kind of letter is it?”

Caller: “It’s a letter. But my name is [Full Name With Middle Name #2]. It is not [Full Name With Middle Name #1]. My father’s name is [Full Name With Middle Name #1].”

(I try mightily to discover if it is a solicitation letter, or if this caller is an actual customer of Insurance Company so I can figure out what to do with him.)

Caller: “I have an insurance policy with [Insurance Company]. My name is [Full Name With Middle Name #2].”

(I can’t find him in our database anywhere so I try the tack that I can take him off the mailing list if he will give me his address. He finally does, insisting all the while that he is Full Name With Middle Name #2. His father’s name is Full Name With Middle Name #1 but he lives in California. I offer again to take his address off the mailing list. He finally gives me the address.)

Caller: “The letter came to my address. It says ‘20% off.’”

(Ah, it is a solicitation letter!)

Caller: “But my name is [Full Name With Middle Name #2].”

Me: “I understand that. I expect some database somewhere has some wrong information in it.”

(We cycle through this part a couple more times.)

Me: “Would you like a quote for insurance?”

Caller: “I already have insurance with you.”

Me: *he doesn’t, but who cares?* “In that case, what is it you want me to do?”

Caller: “My name is [Full Name With Middle Name #2]. The letter came to my address but it says [Full Name With Middle Name #1].”

Me: *getting beyond tired of going around this circle* “I get that. Was there something you were hoping to accomplish with this phone call?”

Caller: “My name is [Full Name With Middle Name #2]. I got this letter at my address but it says [Full Name With Middle Name #1].”

Me: “I understand. Since it is not for you, I suggest that you throw it away.”

Caller: “But my name is [Full Name With Middle Name #2].”

Me: “Yes. You should throw the letter away because it is not for you.”

Caller: *very reluctantly* “I guess I will throw it away.”

Me: “Yes, you do that.”

Caller: *still reluctant* “I will throw it away.”

Me: “Yes, throw it away. Goodbye.” *hangs up*

(My boss overheard my side of this conversation and told me I was “too nice.” And he let me ignore the phone when the guy called again a few minutes later. Thank goodness he didn’t leave a message so I didn’t have to return the call!)

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