It Was A Woman, She Was Blue

, , , , , , | Right | November 21, 2017

Me: “[Company], how may I direct your call?”

Caller: “Someone just called me, but I don’t know who it was.”

Me: “Unfortunately, all of our calls come up as our switchboard number, so I’m not able to tell who it was, either.”

Caller: “She just called me, but I couldn’t understand anything she was saying.”

Me: “Unfortunately, unless you know the person’s name or what the call was about, I don’t know who to get you to.”

Caller: *as if this will clear everything up* “It was a woman.”

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Let Them Carry On While You Carry

, , , , , | Related | November 17, 2017

(My stepdad is notoriously sexist and has put on a big show about coming outside and actually helping us for once. He and my fiancé are carrying bags of cement into the garage by themselves while my mom and I watch, because we have already cleaned the garage.)

Stepdad: *in a derogatory tone* “What would you women do if we weren’t here to carry this for you?”

(My mom snaps back while I lean close to whisper in my fiancé’s ear.)

Me: “I’m the one who put them in the car.”

Fiancé: *bursts out laughing*

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Mustard All Your Strength To Not Be Mad

, , , , , , , , | Related | November 15, 2017

(My eighteen-month-old son has found out about how doors open. He loves to slam the garage door, and he likes to hold the refrigerator door open. He glares at me whenever I close it, usually a few seconds later, as I like to follow him when he’s headed to the kitchen. One day, I ask his sister to keep her eye on him while I run to the bathroom, but I don’t say anything about following him around to prevent mischief. When I finish in the bathroom, I go into the kitchen to grab something super quick, because I assume the kids are in their playroom, but I find my son in the kitchen with the fridge open. He’s sitting in the middle of what looks like a tiny yellow island, grinning from ear to ear, squeezing mustard out of its container. He looks at me and starts drinking the mustard.)

Me: “[Son]! Mustard is not a drink!”

Son: *stops squeezing the mustard container, and looks at me* “But it’s good, Mama!”

Me: “You may like it, but I don’t think the floor likes it very much.”

(My daughter hears the commotion, and runs out of the playroom.)

Daughter: “Uh… What? Oh, Mommy, he was playing and then I didn’t see him. I thought he was in the tent playing sleepy night-night time.”

Me: “That… That’s not a game. Please help me clean this. And remind me to text Daddy to tell him we need a fridge lock.”

(After cleaning the mess thoroughly, and bathing my son, I sent a text to my husband asking him to pick up a fridge lock on his way home, and I installed it that night. Seven years later, we still tease our son that mustard is not a drink.)


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Unfiltered Story #99563

, | Unfiltered | November 13, 2017

My daughter will say random things are potatoes. One day, she’s talking to her brother about her science project:

Daughter: Like you’re supposed to make a 3-D thing out of tape and paper and like… happiness, or magic skills, but mine looks like a potato. It’s supposed to look like an elephant, but it’s a potato. A potato with long, skinny legs. Smexy legs!

Called Them Via God

, , , , , , | Working | November 11, 2017

(My mom is driving down the street when she witnesses a car accident. She gets out to see if the drivers are okay. [Driver #1] seems okay, but [Driver #2] seems a little dazed.)

Mom: *to [Driver #2]* “Are you okay? Would you like me to call an ambulance to have you checked out?”

Driver #1: “I’m a nurse. She’s fine.”

Mom: “We should at least call the police and file an accident report.”

Driver #1: “This is a company car. I’m a home healthcare nurse, and I’m on duty. I can’t have an accident in a company car! Don’t call the ambulance! She’s fine!”

Mom: “Okay.”

(My mom then goes back to her car and calls our church, which is nearby. She asks the church secretary to call an ambulance to come check out [Driver #2], which comes within a few minutes.)

Driver #1: “Did you call the ambulance?!”

Mom: “No, I did not.”

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