Customer: *ordering pizza* “I have to ask a special favor. We are vegetarians. We want a veggie-only pizza, but we want you to make sure that the cooks do not contaminate our pizza with any bits of meat. We are vegetarians! I know what the ingredient table is like back there; it’s too easy for stray bits to get mixed in. I want you to tell the cooks to be careful! We are vegetarians!”

Me: “No problem, ma’am. I will make the pizza myself, so I’ll make sure it has no meat.”

Customer: *now back to calm* “Thank you. And for our second pizza, we want pepperoni with extra cheese.”

(I work as a server.)

Me: “For drinks, we have [brown soda], diet [brown soda], and [popular citrus-based soda]. What can I get for you?”

Customer: “Aww, don’t you have [popular lemon-lime soda]? Or something without caffeine? I can’t have caffeine!”

Me: “Sorry, we don’t; everything has caffeine.”

Customer: “Well, I’ll just have iced tea, then.”

Me: “…”

Related:
Time To Tell Them The Hard, Black Truth

(I am detailing a weird dream I had on my Facebook page.)

Aunt: “Did you eat peanut butter before bed?”

Me: “No, lol.”

Aunt: “Oh, Nana always said that peanut butter caused nightmares.”

Dad: “She also said that the shiny side of tin foil was poison.”

(I’m the stupid customer in this one. I’ve gone to the local one-stop-shop to put an item I expect to end up hard to find come Black Friday on layaway. I’ve never done layaway before, so I stop a passing associate.)

Me: “Excuse me. Are you guys doing layaway right now?”

Associate: “Yeah, I think so, until around the 10th of December.”

(I happen to look up at this point to see a sign that says this exact thing. He follows my gaze and points up at it.)

Associate: “Yeah, there you go, see?”

Me: “Best place to hide things is overhead or in plain sight, and apparently, I can’t look up today. How does this process work?”

(He gestures to another sign just around the corner, in plain sight, explaining the whole process step-by-step.)

Me: “Well, one last question, then. Can you tell me where the nearest optometrist is? Clearly, I’ve gone completely blind to the obvious, too!”

(We shared a laugh and he helped me put the Switch I wanted on layaway. Hopefully, I’m not this blind when I actually get it!)

I’m an adult living with my parents. My mom’s chiropractor lives across the street from us. One day at an appointment, she is telling him that she is rather sore. She has to do most of the chores around the house, including mowing the lawn, because both my dad and I are recovering from surgery.

A few days later, my dad steps outside to get the newspaper and finds the chiropractor mowing our lawn for us.