The vet that I take my dog to also offers boarding. I call to get him in because I’m going to be out of town.

Me: “I’d like to board my dog the ninth through the thirteenth.”

Receptionist: “We’ve got space then. I’ll go ahead and put him down.”

I know she meant she’d write it down on the schedule, but maybe don’t use the phrase “put him down” while working at a vet’s office.

My teenage daughter and I are at a Renaissance Festival listening to a musician. I say something to my daughter and she punches me in the arm.

Wife: “What did you hit Dad for?”

Daughter: “Tell her.”

Me: “I just said I knew that musician. During periods of civil disorder, he breaks into businesses and steals stuff.”

Wife: “…”

Me: “He’s a luter.”

Wife: “Hit him again.”

I’m an intern at a nuclear power plant. The group I’m with is about to start some work.

Group Leader: “All right, guys! Let’s go make history!”

Group Member: “Uh… no. That’s the opposite of what we want to do.”

I work at a big box store. A coworker is helping out at another store. A customer approaches her.

Customer: “Where is [item]?”

Coworker: “I’m not sure. I don’t normally work at this store.”

Customer: *Huffily* “Aren’t all [Store]s the same?”

Coworker: “…No.”

I’m at home with my mom.

Mom: “We have way too many plastic grocery bags.”

Me: “Next time I go to [Store], I’ll take some and put them in the bin.”

Mom: “I don’t know if they want ours. They’re full of holes.”

I just sort of blink in surprise for a moment.

Me: “They don’t put them out and the registers and reuse them. They melt them down to make new bags.”

I swear my mother is normally an intelligent person.