(We are in language arts class suggesting revisions to a story we have worked on as a class.)

Student #1: “We could improve the battle scene.”

Student #2: “I think more dialogue should be added.”

Teacher: *writes suggestions on board* “Okay, anybody else?”

Student #3: “In the scene with the jaguars, instead of [Main Character] wearing the jaguars maybe they could be his pubic hair.”

Class: *stunned silence followed by a five-minute laughter*

Teacher: “We will save that for health class.”

(I am working in a junior high classroom helping a group of students with their English homework. This is not long after Trump takes office and the students are reading a magazine article about Trump’s different stances on the environment, immigration, economy, etc. I am explaining to them about his ideas about the border wall with Mexico.)

Student #1: “But I don’t get it. Isn’t Mexico part of the U.S.?”

Me: *fumbling for a response* “Are you thinking of New Mexico?”

Student #1: “No, Mexico Mexico.”

Me: “…No.”

(The rest of the students are either laughing or gaping at this point.)

Student #2: *pointing* “There’s a map over there. Go look.”

(I lead Student #1 over to the map and show them Mexico and the US.)

Student #1: *wide eyed* “Ooohhh… that makes so much more sense. Like, I couldn’t figure out why all the other states wanted to keep people from one state out.”

(At this point, I’m just nodding and trying not to laugh.)

Student #1: “How did I get to seventh grade without knowing that?”

(I thought it best not to answer.)

(My friends and I often stay in the library during lunch, and this is one such time. There is a small area with couches in the center of the library, and I, my friend, and a lot of her friends are sitting there. Randomly, a girl throws an eraser at someone else, and the eraser equivalent of a food fight ensues. I do not participate. At one point, it gets exceptionally loud, with everyone laughing and yelling. I figured, this is a library; we shouldn’t be doing this.)

Me: “Stop throwing erasers!”

Librarian: “[My Name], don’t you know better than to yell in the library?”

Me: “But…” *everyone else is still throwing things at each other*

Librarian: “You know better.”

(I am one of those girls who rarely has a good comeback on the spot, and I am easy to annoy. I am in science class, and we are in the middle of an experiment. I already finished my work and am now waiting for my partner to finish his. A couple of other guys are being annoying as h*** at the table over, and haven’t even looked at their work, much less done it. Note that Angry Birds, a game with an objective to fling birds at pigs via slingshot to score points, has been out for about a month at this time.)

Student #1: “Yo, we need to finish this up so [Teacher] doesn’t grade us down and give us detention again.”

Student #2: “We could have [My Name] do it for us. She’s smart and wouldn’t mind being around some hot guys like us.” *yeah, he actually said that*

Student #1: *looking in my direction, where I was staring off into space but aware of my surrounding* “Yo, [My Name]. Why don’t you come ‘ere and help us do this.”

Me: “Do it yourself. It’s not that hard.”

Student #1: “I bet you just suck at science if you’re saying no.”

(Annoyed now, I show him a hand gesture — both index and ring up, like a V, and the palm facing me. While it’s offensive in several countries, it looks like a number in the USA, and not offensive in school.)

Student #1: *laughs* “Wow, the number two. I’m so afraid.”

Me: “Actually, I want to flip you the bird, but it feels too much like Angry Birds.”

(I start packing things up after looking at the clock, not realizing the double meaning of what I just said. My partner, snickering, finishes up the work, and speaks up.)

Partner: “She just implied that you’re a pig, [Student #1].”

(The bell rang literally ten seconds later, and I’d already left the room, so Student #1 didn’t have enough time to say anything back.)

(I am currently teaching a lesson about weathering. Each group of students is reading a different article. One group is reading about how ice and water affect weathering.)

Student #1: *reading from article* “In addition, liquid water plays a role in—”

Student #2: “Liquid water?”

Me: “Yes. Liquid water. As opposed to solid water or gaseous water.”

Student #2: *with wide eyes and mouth agape* “There’s SOLID water?!”

(I swear you could hear my eyes rolling as the rest of the class shouted at him.)