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That Seventies Plan

, , , , , | Learning | March 3, 2018

(My junior high school AP history teacher is explaining his test policies to us in the first class of the year.)

Teacher: “In this class, I honor the seventy-percent rule for tests. If seventy percent of the class gets a question wrong on a test, I have clearly not taught that concept well enough and everyone gets that point for free. If you get one of these questions right, you get an extra credit point for it. Any questions?”

(We all glance at each other until one girl raises her hand.)

Girl: “So… If we all get a question wrong. Like, really wrong. On purpose. We all get the point, anyway?”

Teacher: “Yes.”

Girl: “And… If we did a whole test like that?”

Teacher: “There’s one every year! And I’ll tell you what I’ve told all my other classes. You’re AP kids, so you care about your grades. If seventy percent of you decide to throw one of my tests, and stick to it, then I will give you all full credit just for being ballsy!”

(Sadly, we were never able to get enough of the class to agree that we could try this. I wish now we had… I have a feeling he would have kept his word!)

Bag That One For Later

, , , , , , | Healthy | February 20, 2018

(Both the flu and a stomach bug have been going around my sister’s school and about a quarter of the population ends up sick. She ends up going to her nurse with the stomach bug after throwing up in the hallway, and my dad has just come to pick her up.)

Nurse: “Here’s a bag for the car ride home, in case you have to throw up again.”

(A random kid runs in from the hallway, grabs the bag from her hands, and throws up in it.)

Nurse: “Okay, I’ll get you another bag and throw this one away.”

(This repeated two more times with another student who was already in the nurse’s office and one of the history teachers, before my sister finally got her own bag to go home with. We’re all surprised they didn’t just quarantine the entire school at that point.)

Bomb Sniffing Dog By Day, Man’s Best Friend By Night

, , , , | Learning | November 1, 2017

(I am in eighth grade. My school has had a string of small fires, two hit lists, and several bomb threats. Not a bad neighborhood, just a**hole kids. On one such occasion, I’m staying late after school because my father is subbing for a sixth-grade teacher and I decide to ride home with him instead of taking the bus. I’m sitting in his classroom doing my homework when I feel something cold and wet press against my arm. Looking down I see, to my surprise, a huge German Shepherd sitting next to me wagging his tail. Naturally, I reach out to pet him, and then a voice shouts from the doorway:)

Officer: “Aramis! Back to work!”

(The Shepherd’s ears droop as he goes to make a round of the room, and I look up to see a police officer standing in the doorway. I glance at Aramis, then back at the officer.)

Me: *pointing at Aramis* “Bomb-sniffing dog?” *the officer nods* “Cool.”

(I go back to my homework, and Aramis finishes his search of the room. On his way back to his handler he starts to trot back towards me again. I don’t reach out this time since I know you’re not allowed to touch police dogs.)

Officer: “Aramis! Here!” *Aramis goes to the officer’s side, the officer looks at him and shakes his head* “He’s never been this easily distracted before.”

Me: “Well, I have a girl dog at home; maybe he smells her on me?”

Officer: “He’s supposed to ignore little things like that. Ah, well, at least there’s nothing here. Aramis, come.”

(Aramis and his officer head down the hall to finish their sweep and I go back to my homework. As they’re passing by the open classroom door Aramis starts to trot towards me again, tail wagging.)

Officer: “ARAMIS! Geez, man!” *Aramis reluctantly stays with his officer, who stares at him and then looks up at me* “I don’t know what’s gotten into him; he’s never been this distracted!”

Me: *unable to keep from grinning, though trying to look apologetic* “It’s an animal thing.”

(The officer shook his head, but I saw him smiling at little as he and Aramis departed. Maybe Aramis needed a day off!)

Pokémon XXX & Y

| Learning | July 29, 2017

(It’s quiet reading time in class. I overhear this:)

Classmate: “Ooh! What’s a dildo? Is that a Pokémon? I want one!”

That Poor, Poor, Jaguar…

| Learning | July 18, 2017

(We are in language arts class suggesting revisions to a story we have worked on as a class.)

Student #1: “We could improve the battle scene.”

Student #2: “I think more dialogue should be added.”

Teacher: *writes suggestions on board* “Okay, anybody else?”

Student #3: “In the scene with the jaguars, instead of [Main Character] wearing the jaguars maybe they could be his pubic hair.”

Class: *stunned silence followed by a five-minute laughter*

Teacher: “We will save that for health class.”