When I was in law school I went to a bar with a bunch of law school students and decided I wanted a cigarette. I went outside and a whole bunch of girls are smoking. I don’t like to bum cigarettes, but I had a free small fry coupon from McDonald’s.

Me: “Hi, I have this coupon for a free small fry. You can see it’s still valid. I’ll swap this for a cigarette.”

Girl: “Just one cigarette?”

Me: “Yes.”

Girl: “Okay.”

I hand it to her, but then she won’t give me a cigarette.

Girl: “You shouldn’t be so trusting.”

And with that, she flounces off with her friends.

Flash forward a few months, and I’m the first call (GA) for the IT for a division in our university, which includes administration. I go up to replace a computer and see the same girl; she is waiting in line for a job interview. I go up to the person who is conducting the interviews (I am their IT person too) and tell them the story.

She didn’t get the job.

I applied online to a electronics and houseware appliances store, and for the department, I chose registers and video games/movies.

I went to the interview and met two people: the store manager and the manager of the appliances department. Since I hadn’t chosen a department on the application (which I had) they thought I would be perfect for selling refrigerators and freezers. I had no experience with those, but fine.

Then, they went on so positively about their competitive selling culture. I get having a goal to meet, but actively trying to take customers from a coworker didn’t sit right with me. I want to work with my team, not against it.

Oh, and every evening, the departments would meet and be told who did the best and worst in sales. The morning after, the whole warehouse would meet to let everyone know who did best and worst in their respective departments the day before.

I noped out. I’m a good seller, but that kind of culture is not for me.

A friend of mine works in a very small company — so small that he jokes about their “voice-activated punch-in system”. (“Hi, I’m in!” “Bye, I’m out!”) He has an office in a shed near the gate, and he’s the first person you meet upon reaching the site, whether you’re delivering goods or seeking jobs.

The company owner hates people from a certain area of the country, says that he wouldn’t hire one even if it meant going out of business, and instructed my friend to never even tell him when they come looking for jobs. So, one day, when a job seeker shows up, upon hearing his accent, my friend tries to talk him out of it.

Friend: “I know you’re looking, but we’re not hiring for the foreseeable future.”

Job Seeker: “But I need to work.”

Friend: “You’re wasting your CV by leaving it with us.”

Job Seeker: “But I want you to take it.”

Friend: “All right, but we won’t even look at it because we don’t read unsolicited CVs, especially at a time when we’re not hiring.”

Job Seeker: *Raising his voice to a yell* “No! You must take it!”

Friend: *Yelling in turn* “Fine. Fine! Give it to me.”

Job Seeker: *Handing in his CV* “There. Was that so hard?”

Friend: “That’s it? Are we okay now?”

Job Seeker: “Yes.”

Friend: “Good.”

He then tears the CV apart, crumples the shreds into a ball, and tosses it into the bin.

Friend: “Best of luck with your job search.”

This took place back at the end of the eighties. (The 1980s, that is; I’m not THAT old.)

I was a technical service representative for a copier company that actually invented the xerographic process. Our team was comprised of sixteen people covering a large area, so most of us were “out of town” from the area office.

We were in an all-hands team meeting. The team leader was well into his presentation when the receptionist knocked on the door.

Receptionist: “Sorry to interrupt you, but there’s someone at the front desk asking to see you, and he says that it’s very important.”

Leader: “Who is it?”

Receptionist: “Never seen him before, and he won’t tell me his name. He says he’ll only speak to the… most important person in the office.”

The leader assistant got up.

Leader Assistant: *With a smile* “Go on, [Leader]. I’ll see what’s up… on your behalf.”

He was gone for a few minutes. He walked back in, smiling hard, obviously repressing a laugh, and took back his place, not wanting to interrupt the leader. But [Leader] stopped anyway, like all of us, puzzled by it.

Leader: “So?”

Leader Assistant: “Oh, just some weird-looking guy who said that he had found a way to print in white on any colored paper. He wanted to tell me his discovery and make sure we put his name down so he would be credited for it when we will eventually market the idea, telling everyone he was the first to think of it.”

Leader: “What was his idea?”

Leader Assistant: “To reverse the voltage of the process. That would create white text instead of black text.”

We all laughed. Apparently, that guy had never researched how the process worked; toner (dry ink) does the actual “printing”.

Tech #1: “What did you say to him?”  

Leader Assistant: “I didn’t have time to waste to explain how the xerographic process works, so I took his name and information and told him that if we ever go on with that idea, I’ll let him know and he’ll have full credit. [Receptionist] had to turn away so as not to laugh in his face.”

Tech #2: “And you threw his information in the trashcan as soon as he left?”

Leader Assistant: “Oh, no, I have it right here in my pocket. I want to put it down on our ‘do not hire’ list.”

I work for a temp agency, doing very boring tasks. One of the people who started at the same time as me already wants to leave again. He has been thinking about what he could be doing instead for a few days now.

Then, I get a text from him.

Coworker: “Do you know anything about apprenticeships? I need some help.”

Me: “A bit. What do you want to know?”

Coworker: “I think I want to be a kindergarten teacher. I love working with children, and I think I could be really good at it. I’ve done some research, and there are a few jobs I could apply to.”

Me: “Sounds good.”

Coworker: “Yeah. But I don’t know… They all say that you are required to have completed a three-year apprenticeship to apply. And I’ve done that. Do you think that’s enough?”

Me: “It should be. What exactly did you do in your apprenticeship?”

Coworker: “Body painter.”

I just stare at the screen for a minute, grateful that he hasn’t asked me this in person and he can’t see my face now. I don’t know how to react. What I WANT to say is, “Are you serious?! What do you think childcare entails that PAINTING CARS would prepare you for?!”

What I eventually type is a little more diplomatic.

Me: “I think they want you to have completed a three-year apprenticeship in childcare or something similar, so they know you have experience.”

Coworker: “Oh. Hm. D***. Then I don’t know.”

Please don’t work with kids.