(I am applying for a management position at a grocery store near me. They don’t have many requirements for the job, saying, “Some management experience may be required.” So, I go in, and they immediately say:)

Recruiter: “You’re not qualified for this position. You need at least ten years of experience in a management position.”

(I ask about the shift manager position, which is below what I am going for.)

Recruiter: “You need five years of management experience for that.”

(I’ve been out of college for a little over a year now. I’ve struggled to find a job that I’m qualified for, since most positions do require a lot of experience, and I’m working retail for now. However, in every other job description I’ve seen, it states exactly how much experience they want. The girl who was interviewing me, who wasn’t that much older than me, wasn’t rude, but she wasn’t polite either. They offered me a job as a store associate, but I turned it down. I would rather work where I am currently than work for a company like that.)

(I am a receptionist, and my job is to simultaneously greet people and answer a multi-phone line. I am on the phone answering a client’s question when a woman comes up to the counter.)

Me: *to the woman, covering the mouthpiece* “Hi! I’ll be right with you in one moment.”

Woman: “Application.”

Me: *again, covering the receiver, trying to hear the client on the line and also talk to this woman* “I’m sorry, one moment while I finish this call.”

Woman: *louder* “APPLICATION.”

Me: *losing my temper slightly* “Ma’am, I am ON THE PHONE! You need to wait a moment while I finish this call!”

(She then angrily stormed out. Gee, I wonder why she’s looking for work?)

This happened back in the mid 90s. I had recently graduated, and was now applying everywhere I could to get a job with my engineering degree. One such place was a government research establishment, and I was delighted to be granted an interview. It was on the other side of the country, and I was reliant on public transport, as I didn’t have a car. Also, as I was a poor ex-student, I couldn’t afford a new wardrobe. However, the suit I wore for my university interviews was still in good enough condition, so I wore that.

I had researched my connections thoroughly, and arrived in the area in plenty of time. After a pleasant stroll nearby, I arrived at the reception and security block about 15 minutes early. I signed in, and was told to take a seat as someone would be with me shortly.

As I went to sit down, I felt something give. I reached behind me, and could feel a tear in my trousers. I shot off to the toilet to inspect the damage, and was horrified to see that the tear started between my legs and went about half way up my backside!

I decided I needed help. I explained the problem to the receptionist, and asked her if she had any safety pins. She didn’t, but she was able to offer me some paper clips. I retrospect I should have asked to borrow a stapler, but my brain was in full panic mode. I gratefully accepted the paper clips and headed back to the toilet.

Whilst I couldn’t just clip my trousers together, I found that by unwinding the clips I could use them to wire my trousers closed. This now presented me with another problem – sitting down. Fortunately, when I did come to sit down, I found that the metal ended up in my, um, natural crevasse. It wasn’t too uncomfortable, but I was very much aware that I was being jabbed, and as a result my mind wasn’t fully on the interview.

During the tour of the facility, I was glad that the place wasn’t teeming with people, as I wasn’t entirely confident that the back panel of my jacket was covering everything I needed it to. So, I made sure that I was always walking by the side of, or just behind my guide, and I certainly never went up the stairs in front!

After the interview, my ordeal was far from over. Being a poor graduate, I had spent most of my money on the travel costs, and I did not have anything to spare for buying new trousers. So, it was a walk to the bus stop, followed by a bumpy bus ride — not ideal when having metal pressed in places that could lead to a stainless steel enema if the potholes got any worse — and then a lengthy train journey. After that, it was a trip on a very crowded underground ride through London. It was rush hour, which meant that I was stood up for the duration, much to my backside’s relief, but it did mean that my rear was now potentially at the eye-line of the seated passengers. I hope they got therapy afterwards.

Then it was one more train journey back to my hometown, and then a half-mile walk home. There, I received the love and sympathy one would expect from my parents, once they had finally stopped laughing.

I never did hear back about the job. I expect that the interviewers were either puzzled by how someone with an upper second-class honours degree could appear to be so vacant, or they were too traumatised by the visions they received. Whilst I don’t think I did give anyone a full moon, as my boxer shorts did remain intact, I suspect that some people received a partial lunar eclipse.

This story is part of the Bad Interviews roundup!

Read the next Bad Interviews roundup story!

Read the Bad Interviews roundup!

(I’m looking for a new job and I have made several applications in a job portal. Most jobs available are put up by companies hiring through recruitment agencies for anonymity. I receive several calls and in them, I explain that I am currently working and need some time to arrange for leave to go for interviews. Most recruiters understand this and give me sufficient time to arrange for leave. One recruiter, however, does not.)

Recruiter: “Hi, [My Name], congratulations! My client wants to see you tomorrow morning for an interview. Can I put you in for 11:00 am?”

Me: “[Recruiter], I’ve mentioned that I need time to arrange for leave or time off. It is now 5:55 pm and I’m off work in five minutes. My boss will never agree to let me take leave tomorrow morning.”

Recruiter: “What about 2:30 pm? I can tell the client that you’ll be in at 2:30 pm.”

Me: “[Recruiter], I can’t do that, either. My boss has a meeting in the morning and will only come in in the afternoon. I need to update him on all the ongoing projects.”

(While I am on my way home, the recruiter calls again.)

Recruiter: “[My Name], the client has specially opened another interview day for you the day after. Can you make it?”

(I check in the morning and manage to get permission for a half-day off. I receive a text from the recruiter one hour before the interview is scheduled, when I am halfway out the door.)

Recruiter: “I’m sorry, but the interviewer is down with fever. Today’s interview is cancelled. We will let you know when another interview can be scheduled.”

Me: “Noted; however, next week is not possible as my boss will be away the second half of the week, which means that I have to clear everything before he leaves. I’ve some submissions due by the end of the week, but I only have half the week to complete them, so my time is quite tight. When my boss is not around, he expects me to be in the office to hold the fort, so I cannot take leave then.”

Recruiter: “Noted.”

Me: “If the following week is too late for your client, then thanks for forwarding my resume to them for their consideration.”

(The following Monday…)

Recruiter: “[My Name], my client still wants to see you. Can you come down tomorrow? Any time you want.”

Me: “[Recruiter], I’ve already said that I cannot make it this week. If your client wants to see me, they have to wait until next week.”

Recruiter: “What about Wednesday?”

Me: “[Recruiter], forget it, then. Thanks.”

(On Friday, the recruiter messages again.)

Recruiter: “I just wanted to update you: the client will be going with other candidates, as they are looking for someone urgently and cannot afford to wait for you.”

(I receive a call on the Monday after.)

Recruiter: “[My Name], the client still wants to meet you. Any time tomorrow will be fine.”

Me: “I thought they didn’t want to see me as they needed staff urgently and couldn’t wait for me?”

Recruiter: “Well, only one person was shortlisted for the second interview.”

Me: “I think I’ll pass on this opportunity, thanks.”

Recruiter: “But they thought you were good! They want to see you, any time, at your convenience.”

Me: “[Recruiter], as I said, I need time to arrange for leave. I’m also arranged for another interview tomorrow, and took leave in the afternoon for that. I can’t possibility extend my leave last-minute. Anyway, thank you for your time.”

Recruiter: “But can’t you go over since you’re already taking leave?”

Me: “No, I took leave for this company I’m interviewing with because they gave me ample time to make arrangements. I’m not going to decrease my chances of getting a position at that company because I’m rushing to make it for another interview that I don’t have much interest in anymore.”

Recruiter: “What? Why?”

Me: “[Recruiter], it’s not like this is the first time; every single time, you want me to drop everything and rush over. Even if the timing is at my convenience, the day itself isn’t. I have made it clear over and over again that I am currently working and need time to arrange for leave or time off. It isn’t as if I didn’t tell you and then sprung this need for time to arrange my leave at the last minute. Frankly, if this is the way they do things over there, I don’t think I’ll be happy working there when I’m already encountering so many problems before I even go for an interview.”

Recruiter: “But, but, can you at least think it over? You have my number, right? So, you can text me tomorrow.”

(Ugh. I don’t know how many times I must say no, politely, before she gives up.)

(I am doing my morning duties when I notice a woman I don’t recognise wandering into the staff-only area. I quickly follow her and find her in the bakery part of our back rooms.)

Me: “Excuse me. I’m sorry, but you can’t be back here.”

Ex-Employee: “Oh, it’s fine, dear; I used to work here. I must say, this bakery looks disgusting. It was never like this when I worked here!”

(Admittedly the bakery is a little messy after the morning batches are done, but by no means “disgusting.”)

Me: “It’s just a few crumbs, and we’re not finished with the ovens yet, but you really can’t be back here.”

Ex-Employee: “Nonsense. [Manager who retired six years ago] won’t mind. Here.” *hands me her CV* “I really think you’ll need me. This place has gone to hell without me, hasn’t it?”

(She heads back out to the shop floor, waving at another supervisor, and leaves.)

Me: “[Supervisor], do you know her?”

Supervisor: “I guess. She used to work the bakery and stock, years ago. What did she want?”

Me: “A job.” *I hold up her CV*

Supervisor: *laughs* “Christ, well, she’s got some balls.”

Me: “What? Why?”

Supervisor: “Well, she stacked some cases of drink way too high and it ended up falling on her. She sued the owner. They paid her a huge sum, and gave her paid leave, as well, but then she didn’t want to come back when her leave was up, which was just fine with the owner. I guess that money is running out, if she’s wanting to come back.”

Me: “Does she honestly think [New Manager] will hire her, knowing all that?”

Supervisor: “Wouldn’t surprise me. He might not even know who she is, actually, being fairly new himself, but I’ll let him know just in case.”

Me: “We’ve apparently gone to hell without her, too.”

Supervisor: “Oh, God, she used to come in covered in dog hair! Always got into the morning rolls; it was so gross. We’d have to remove them all and make fresh ones. She wasted so much bread! “

(I did pass the woman’s CV along to the manager, but we weren’t even looking for staff, and after hearing the supervisor’s story, the manager said he wouldn’t have hired her, anyway. She returned a few more times asking about our staff needs, each time dodging us and walking right into the staff-only area to hunt down the manager.)