A Candy Crush Saga

, , , , | Legal Right | November 18, 2018

(Our window displays out in front of the window feature jewelry mixed in with fake candy. My coworker is in the back helping a customer design a new setting for some heirloom stones. I am in the front. A woman enters, her cell phone held in front of her, obviously filming me, a smirk on her face.)

Woman: “I would like to buy some candy.”

Me: “Uh, candy?”

Woman: “You show candy in your window. I want to buy some.”

Me: “I’m afraid that’s not for sale. In fact, it’s plastic; it’s just display.”

Woman: *getting louder* “So you WON’T sell me candy?”

Me: “I don’t have candy to sell.”

Woman: *triumphantly lowers her phone* “Ha! You know I can bring a lawsuit against you for false advertising! I’m going to sue this store for all its worth!”

(At this point, the customer emerges from the back room, smiling.)

Customer: “Ma’am, I truly hope you do try to sue this place. I’m Judge [Name], and I occasionally need a laugh from the bench. And that’s what I would do, laugh you out of the courtroom.”

(The woman turned red and sputtered out that she didn’t think he was a real judge. When he pulled out his card, she slunk out of the door. The judge laughed and shared with us a few stories of crazy lawsuits he had seen, while my coworker finished designing the new piece. The store owner has promised to donate to his re-election campaign.)

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Unable To Ring Them Up

, , , | Right | September 25, 2018

(I’m working as a sales agent at a rather popular jewelry TV show. Unfortunately, we do get these calls very often.)

Me: “Welcome to [Workplace]. This is [My Name]; how may I assist you today?”

Customer: “I saw a ring that had champagne diamonds in it and I want that ring.”

(I get 48 pages of results, so to narrow it down, I begin to ask questions.)

Me: “Okay, what carat weight was it?”

Customer: “I don’t know.”

Me: “Okay, do you have the product ID number?”

Customer: *sighs, getting irritated* “No…”

Me: “Well, can you describe it to me so I can narrow it down to make this go by quicker for you?”

Customer: “Can’t you just look the d*** s*** up? God, why are you making this so difficult?”

Me: “Ma’am, I’m trying to make this as simple as possible, but I have 48 pages of results, and I won’t know which one unless you can find a way to describe it to m—”

Customer: *cutting me off and yelling* “Well, I’m going to just call someone else here, and they’ll find my ring, since you’re making this so difficult because you’re letting your stupidity get in the way. Stupid c***. I’m also going to call and complain, and you’re going to be out of a job.”

(I still have my job, and she’s gotten me several more times. She will still ask if “that stupid c***” has been fired yet, and when I tell her it’s me, she hangs up. She’s even gotten me a couple of times after she hung up, and she hung up on me again afterwards.)

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That’s An Old Joke

, , , , , , | Working | July 20, 2018

(After adding a battery to my customer’s wife’s watch and handing it to him…)

Me: “I forgot to check what brand your watch is. May I see it again so I can enter it into our system?”

Customer: *handing back the watch* “Sure, but it’s not my watch; it’s my wife’s. She’s been with me over 50 years!”

Me: *looking at watch* “A fossil!”

Customer: “…”

Me: *mortified* “No! The brand of the watch for which I just put in a battery for you. Not your wife!”

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The Day The Interstate Was Won

, , , , | Right | June 15, 2018

(My wife and I are looking at jewelry in the Old Town section of Albuquerque, which is a tourist destination, and I am making small talk with the owner.)

Me: “What’s the silliest question a tourist has ever asked you?”

Owner: “Easy. ‘Is it safe to drive the interstates out here?’”

Me: “Huh?”

Owner: “That’s what I said. He said, ‘Well, because of all the Indian attacks on wagon trains.’”

Me: “I don’t have any idea what to say to that.”

Owner: “Neither did I.”

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Just Ring Me Up, Already

, , , , , | Working | May 31, 2018

(I go into a jewelry store to get my ring checked. I have to go in every six months for the warranty to remain intact.)

Me: “I need to get my ring checked.”

Employee: “Okay, it looks like you have some loose stones; do you wear your ring outside?”

Me: “Yes, I take it off when I do intense things like rock climbing or working out, but I wear it all other times.”

Employee: “You really shouldn’t wear it outside.”

Me: “I shouldn’t wear my engagement ring outside? Ever?”

Employee: “Well, if you lose a diamond and you’re outside you won’t be able to find it.”

Me: “Yeah, that’s why my fiancé bought the lifetime warranty with the ring. That way I don’t have to worry about it!”

Employee: “But you should really try to bring in a diamond if it falls out, so you shouldn’t wear your ring outside.”

Me: “Losing diamonds is covered in the warranty, right?”

Employee: “Yes.”

Me: “And it doesn’t affect you if I lose the diamonds?”

Employee: “No.”

Me: “I’ll just keep wearing my ring, then.”

Employee: “Just remember not to wear it outside!”

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